New Painkiller Causes Heart to Explode...with Delight

By Kid Neo, Your Internet Perscription Drug Reviewer

What up, fellow pill poppers? It’s Kid Neo with another round of Prescription medications that will totally blow your mind, soften your stool, and, hopefully cure what ails ya! This week, we have a tonnage of insane new products that should give fans of medications something to be happy about (unless you are on depressants).

Just got my prescription pill sampler that I ordered off the internet and before I give my pill by pill review, I wanted to mention a few things. The quality of the medications I received was excellent, easy to read labels, side effects clearly listed in 10 point type, no placebos, so it made the experience that much more enjoyable. Secondly I really feel that the FDA and European regulators are doing an exceptional job in letting so many drastically untested, and nearly useless, drugs into the marketplace for me to test. It makes me warm inside to know that I can have a huge penis that will ultimately stop my heart, but some child dying of cancer or someone dying of AIDS will have to wait decades for potential life saving treatments. Not to get on my soapbox, but that’s just more proof that God hates both fags and kids. But this article is not about my opinion, God’s will, or AIDS riddled homosexuals, it’s about my opinion. My opinion on these sweet new pharmaceuticals:

HUMATROPE:
What an intro!!!! This is the first commercially available "man-made" product in which the active constituent was chemically identical to growth hormone produced by the pituitary gland. I followed the directions and took these puppies before I went to bed. I can’t begin to tell you what a pleasure it was to wake up a full 8” taller overnight. Where were these pills when I was preparing for the state championships back in high school? My pleasure was short lived, for when I tried to walk, it only took three steps before my lengthened, un-reinforced femurs shattered under the weight of my own body. I can’t tell you how much that one stung. I would have to rate this medication average as it did provide immediate results, but the side effects were somewhat debilitating. GRADE: C

KYTRIL:
WOW....The femur shattering incident had me hoping that the next medication I would take would be one for pain. Unfortunately Kytril offers relief to those suffering nausea and vomiting from chemotherapy. I would be unfair for me to judge this medication based on my current condition of shattered bone fragments coursing through my bloodstream so I had to find a way to get cancer, but fast! In preparation of receiving this package I had rigged up my microwave to work with the door ajar. I set the microwave to cook a roast and laid my head next to the opening. I woke up with a large section of my hair missing from my head and a terrible sickness in my gut. I popped the entire sampling of Kyrtil and about 10 minutes later, the pain was nearly non existent. This drug rocks cause it works! GRADE: A+

EPOGEN:
God am I feeling terrible. Not only do my legs feel like they are made entirely of fire ants transporting killer bees on their backs, but I’m now bald and can’t seem to remember my multiplication tables. Thank goodness I had the foresight to leave a notepad with my mission clearly etched on the front page: ‘Do Drugs.’ I see that I have this box of medications in front of me so I will take this one labeled ‘Epogen.’ For minutes I sat staring at a flaming pile of hair someone placed in front of my microwave before I realized that I had pissed myself. That’s weird. I looked at the packaged for Epogen and it states that it is to be taken in conjunction with Kidney disease and dialysis. Those are pretty big words which I seem to no longer comprehend. I sat for a while longer enjoying the warmth of my own body’s waste and thought how great it felt to give those fucking fire ants a taste of my medicine. GRADE: B+

VENLAFAXINE:
”What in the fuck am I doing to myself,” someone asks me from my own mouth? As a moment of clarity hits me I find myself naked, legs bent un-naturally around my body, lying in the middle of I-5 with this brown box full of white and red pills on my chest. “Can I have one of those?” I ask myself as I watch this movie of all of these cars crashing into each other. This shit is crazy or are you all fucking telling me its crazy shit to fuck and shit. Fuck.

CORONERS REPORT:

CORONERS REPORT:
IN THE CORONER'S COURT: No D0197/2005
Inquest into the death of Neil Jacob McBromovich (a.k.a. Kid Neo) [2005] NTMC 094

In the matter of an Inquest into the death of: Neil “Kid Neo” McBromovich on 07 April 2005 on Interstate 5 at the Lake Oswego exchange in the state of Oregon

The nature and scope:
(1) Neil Jacob McBromovich ("the deceased") was found under a pile of flaming wreckage on the Interstate 5 stretch of highway during the early evening commute on April 7th, 2005. The deceased was not driving, nor was he one of the passengers of any of the vehicles involved in the accident; however his body had somehow sustained the most injury.

Formal findings
The mandatory findings pursuant to s34 (1) of the Act are as follow:
(1) The identity of the deceased was Neil Jacob McBromovich (aka Kid Neo).
(2) The death occurred at or about 5.30 pm on 07 April 2005 on Interstate 5 at the Lake Oswego exchange in the state of Oregon
(3) The cause of death was the result of being driven over, an estimated 22, times by 16 vehicles.

Relevant circumstances concerning the death
(1) We still can’t figure out what happened to his legs. Seriously, it looks as if someone stuffed salami with baking powder. We have posted the pictures on Rotten.com for further study.
(2) What we had once thought was a large, expansive tumor growing from the deceased was, in fact, a half cooked roast that had been attached via twine to the head of the deceased. Witnesses state that the roast was attached at the time of the accident.
(3) We recovered a box that contained trace remnants of Smarties candies mixed with an assortment of Good n’ Plenty’s and Sweet Tarts.
(4) A notebook found on the scene has a series of pictures of a man in a trench coat riding unicorns with the phrase ‘Kid Neo + Matrix = TLA’ peppered throughout.
(5) A toxicology report shows no drugs in the deceased’s blood stream or urine samples extracted from his clothing.

Recommendations
(1) This body should be cremated immediately. It’s gross to think about things like this, but seeing someone in this condition…totally fucking gross.
(2) Due to the nature of this death, we recommend the parents of the deceased be administered an experimental mourning drug, ‘Happicin,’ that was fast tracked through the FDA. We have attached samples of the drug to this report for immediate dosage.

Dated this 8th day of April 2005
Mya Handinyoo
City of Portland Coroner

Blogger is having some difficulty at the moment and we have been unable to add new posts. We are currently working this situation out with their tech team and should have some resolution to this problem soon.

Funniest thing I've seen this year...

http://www.negrospaceprogram.com/

Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy. No fatties. 

DVD Details: Star Wars Trilogy

Recently, I sold a brand new copy of the Star Wars Trilogy on eBay. Here was my description:

History and Synopsis

Not much is known about Star Wars as it faded into obscurity in the early 1980's. What we have deduced is that shortly after the last movie in the three part series, 'Star Wars: Jawaland Adventures' was released, Lucas printed 25 Betamax copies of the Trilogy as Christmas presents for his friends and family. Little did Lucas know that one of these copies would be duplicated and distributed using America's leading underground piracy channel known as the Public Library System.

Episode IV, "A New Hope" centers around Luke Skywalker, a young insulant farmboy who has set a course for adventure, his mind on a new romance. All things change when he goes shopping with his Uncle and find a very odd group of 'alternate lifestyle' robots. One of the droids' has a 16mm projector in it's robot belly and shows Luke 'the girl with the cinnamon swirly hair.' Yowza!

Things get fuzzy here as I think Luke mistakenly kills his Aunt and Uncle by leaving a candle burning in the family's yirt. Regardless, Luke becomes a orphen for the second time and is forced to go with Uncle Obi (later, we find out Uncle Obi is none other than Obi-Wan Kenobi, who has lived for years in seclusion on the desert planet, Tattobot 2000.)

Obi-Wan begins Luke’s Jedi training by taking him to a bar where he totally get's Luke in without an ID and passes the two robot passengers off as giant chug-a-lug beer stiens. Awesome! Luke then watches Indiana Jones tell some bounty hunter name Jub-Jub to take a long walk off a short pier right before he blasts him under the table with a laser whip of some sort.

The movie ends when Luke proves that the Force is with him by destroying the Empire’s dreaded Death Star. Booya!

Episode V, "The Empire Strikes Back" takes place three years later and the Imperial forces will still not get off Luke's back. Apparently, blowing up the multi-trillion dollar Death Star project was enough to get a price on your head. A lot of steam is let off early in the movie as the Rebels have a HUGE snowball fight on Hoth. After the fight, Luke warms up with a cup of hot cocoa, a good book, and the intestinal tract of his Tonton. Darth Vader goes ballistic and takes his helmet off and only to have a clean one lowered onto his veiny dome. Luke journeys to the planet Dagobah to train with Jedi Muppet Yoda, who has lived in hiding since being horribly disfigured in a fall from an ugly tree in which he hit every branch on the way down.

Fast forward to Darth Vader's attempt to convert Luke to the dark side in the Cloud City of Bespin. Luke exclaims, 'No way, dude.' to which Darth Vader says, 'Don't you mean, No way...Dad?' In the midst of a fierce lightsaber duel Luke misplaces his hand. Only after kissing his sister does Luke regrow his cybornetic-power hand which he will use later to win several bar fights with the Mugatu.

Episode VI, "Return of the Jedi": is the epic conclusion of the saga, where the Empire prepares to crush the Rebellion with a more powerful Death Star. Yawn. I mean, it only took one guy and a small band of rebels to take down the Death Star in the first place, I can't believe they okayed a second project Death Star. Seriously, where I work, if I use too much paper I get repremanded and put on probation. Darth Vader and company are lighting cigars with million dollar bills and no one bats and eye? What jerks!

Luke Skywalker, with his new cyborg hand, confronts his father Daddy-V in a final climactic duel before the evil Emperor . Darth Vader, knowing he's no match for Luke's Super Dragon Punch turns tail and bumps into the Emperor's Ming vase. As it shatters into pieces the Evil Emperor breaks down into tears. The Emperor starts smoking and screams 'I'm melting, oh what a world' and in a poof of smoke he, and his minions of flying monkeys, are gone. The Empire is finally defeated, the Sith are destroyed, and Anakin Skywalker is thus redeemed. At long last, freedom is restored to the galaxy. Luke then sneaks up on Lord Vader, sucker punches him into unconsciousness and burns him alive screaming, 'IN YOUR FACE V-DAWG.'

Editors note: I have only seen Star Wars once when I was seven years old.

Ex-President Reagan is flown in and re-animated for an impromptu speech at St. Peter's today. 

Pope's Funeral to be Slightly Shorter than Ronald Reagan’s

By DOLAND REGALFOP, Associated Press Writer

VATICAN CITY - Italian officials said they will cut short the funeral ceremony for Pope John Paul II out of respect to the family of ex-president Ronald Reagan (pronounced, ‘RAY-gen’). The massive line of pilgrims hoping to see at St. Peter's Basilica on Wednesday evening snaked down a wide boulevard, through ancient alleyways and onto a bridge. Police and military were called in to tell the crowd, ‘Show’s over folks. Let’s move this along. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.’

“We don’t want to upset people in America with the rememberences of loss and death,” said Luca Spoletini, a spokesman for the Civil Defense department. “Their great and holy leader [Reagan] died just a few short months ago and the nation is still grieving. The last thing we want is to out-mourn a country that is itchy to pick a fight with anyone for any reason,” he said.

Spoletini’s comment about the grieving of Americans is no understatement. After the great bowel emancipator, Reagan (pronounced: ‘RAY-gon’) passed on, America looked to satiate their depression by consuming larger, higher fat content fast food. Burger King’s new ‘gianormous, ass-blastin’, butter-sausage biscuit burger sandwich was just one of many new menu items added after June 10, 2004. Shortly thereafter, Hardee’s developed their ‘Griever’s Value Menu’ and ‘Condolence Meals’ which were just coffee cans filled with Crisco and a spoon.

Back in Rome the lines grew to, just under, Reagan-sized funeral proportion. "It's possible there are 1 million people out there standing in line," Spoletini said. "They are all concentrated outside St. Peter's ... We are all working to ensure maximum tranquility without angering our most benevolent superior masters in the United States." He then produced a miniature stars and stripes attached to a toothpick and proceeded to genuflect and salute it vehemently.

“It’s hard to compare the Pope to Ronald Reagan (pronounced, ‘REE-gan’) as they touched lives in completely different ways,” said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. “The Pope was all about birth control and church stuff while Ronny (pronounced, ‘Raw-KNEE’) was about taking down communism, the Berlin Wall, Charles Darwin, the Scientific Method, humility, truth, libraries, homosexuals, and the Nazi’s to name a few.” Shortly after finishing his diatribe, the Senator began to have a slight attack of the vapors and collapsed backwards into a row of smaller Senators.

Going back to the steps of St. Peter’s, many people waited in line 12 hours overnight, wrapped in thick brown blankets handed out by civil defense authorities. When the sun came out, people shaded their eyes with baseball caps or umbrellas. Rainer Loeb, a doctor with the group, said he was concerned for children and elderly people who wanted to stay until Friday's funeral. “I am relieved that we are moving this funeral up a few days. Many pilgrims are at their physical limits already," he said.

When the massive bronze doors of St. Peter's reopened, those in line burst into applause. The crowd cheering was drowned out quickly by the sound of Black Hawk helicopters flying overhead to deliver the glass encased corpse of the former president to give a speech on the afterlife. The president was lowered onto the steps of St. Peter’s where three cloaked women appeared out of a cloud of smoke and conducted a ritual to animate the ex-president’s body.

The president slowly reanimated and said, “Ungh…Brains…U.S. need brains…mommy….” before collapsing into a group of secret servicemen. The president was immediately flash frozen and shrink wrapped in front of the two million pilgrims before being zip-lined back into one of the helicopters.

John Paul will be laid to rest Friday in the grotto of St. Peter's, alongside popes of centuries past and near the traditional tomb of the first pope, St. Peter. His ceremony is set to conclude Friday evening at 6pm which will work out to a full three weeks shorter than the wake held for ex-president, hero, and ‘B’ musical actor, Ronald Reagan (pronounced, ‘Way-GON’).

Ta-Daaaa! 

Bells, White Smoke Will Announce New Pope

Responding to Pope John Paul II's request, the Vatican will depart from centuries-old tradition by ringing bells in addition to sending up white smoke to signal the election of his successor. New Papal candidates cry, 'Bullshit!'

AFBAM: Americans for 'Being Against Mexicans'

"If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest for freedom, go home and leave us in peace. We seek not your council nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen." --Samuel Adams

I found that quote on the label of a Sam Adams bottle that had been rolling around in my car for the past month and thought, 'what a great quote, from a great man, who brews some killer beer to incite my brothers and sisters of America to join in the fight for their freedom and independence from the Mexican onslaught destroying this once proud nation.' I then passed out against the steering wheel until I was jolted awake by the sound of a mag light tapping against my driver's side window.

"Everything alright in here?" the officer asked.

"Yeah, just sleepin' off the squiggles, Boss" I replied just moments before being escorted out of my vehicle and into the back of one of Wyoming's finest Chevy Citations. Fuck me, again.

After getting the 'common law' to bail me out, I thought about that awesome quote again and how I wanted to get people aware of the great brown scourge that will ultimately turn this nation into a garbage collectin, sombrero wearin, mariachi listenin, siesta takin crapburg. It was a time for me to finally take action and teach those immigrants about what makes this country great and that is to kick those mother fuckers out of this country as fast as theys comin in. That’s when I made the decision to found and form AFBAM: Americans For 'Being Against Mexicans.'

In just thirty days, AFBAM has grown to over 100 men and women—most family members and cousins from 20 trailers around the compound (Cap’n Chuck’s Funtime Trailer Park of Rt 6). We expects over 2000 volunteers from every walk of life to serve 30 days spotting illegal aliens as they storm our nation’s borders which I’ve estimated at approximately 4,000,000 daily and three trillion annually. We’re tired of this illegal alien invasion.

What will the AFBAM accomplish? It will be another stand in stopping the death of this nation and, more importantly, it will get the police off my back for five seconds so I can produce my meth in peace. Oh yeah, it will become the beginning of the end of illegal alien immigration into the United States of America and hopefully the start of getting my toilet cleaning/trash empting job back at the local Walmart.

Bush Declares War on Tsunami

US President George W. Bush announced Wednesday night that he has ordered military strikes against any and all Tsunami’s. Poseidon, Oceanus, and the Kraken prepare for US air raids.

"At this hour, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to eliminate the deadly threat created by Tsunami’s across our globe," Bush said in a nationally-televised address.

"On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of military importance to undermine Poseidon’s ability to wage war," he said.

Bush said that these strikes "are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign against the ocean."

He vowed that the US-led forces would fight until victory, noting that the war against the sea could be longer and more difficult than the Iraq war, the Philippine Insurrection, and the Crusades combined.

Bush was speaking two hours and 15 minutes after his ultimatum for the Oceanus and his son Chronos to leave the ocean or face a war expired.

The White House confirmed after the raids began that the United States had launched a military action to disarm Poseidon and retrieve his spiked trident, which has been a symbol for the ocean’s tyrannical unpredictability.

"The opening stages of the disarmament of the Tsunami’s regime have begun,"

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer told reporters minutes after air raid sirens were heard over the Atlantic.

US warplanes raided the Indian Ocean about one and a half hours after the expiration of the deadline set by US President George W. Bush for Oceanus to leave the ocean or face war.

Big explosions were heard, the ocean was lit up by flares and sirens were heard throughout the cities of the deep, home for some 500 billion sea creatures.

The first round of air raids started at 0530 a.m. (0230 GMT) Thursday and lasted for about 20 minutes. Tracer fire and large balls of smoke were seen off the coast of both England and Spain. After a brief interval, US warplanes resumed air attacks.

Coral reefs of the mermaid kingdom were attacked in the three rounds of US air raids on the ocean, leaving several thousand floating, bloated casualties, but it remained unknown that any top ocean officials were among the injured.

The ocean monsters were unable to ready its arsenal of anti-aircraft forces to hit back at the US warplanes, witnesses said.

Electricity was not detected under the ocean’s surface where the strikes were heaviest, but much of the sonar and undersea creature communication had ceased broadcasting after the blasts.

The war was declared after the US failed to win support of majority in the UN Security Council for their draft resolution that would have authorized a war on Tsunamis, waterspouts, whirlpools, and rapids that have plagued humanity for centuries

Three permanent members of the Security Council, namely China, France and Russia, opposed the US-led military attack on the ocean and insist that inspections and talks with the deadly element of water should continue.

More than 250,000 US troops in and around the Gulf region, joined by tens of thousands of British troops, are launching military strikes on the sea.

The United States started the war on the ocean in its second preemptive strike in the US history. The first being the Iraq war, which ended up being a tremendous success against terror and for the US’s perception to the world.

Local reports said the US-led combat troops in the Gulf, numbering about 150,000, took up battle positions overnight as the deadline for Oceanus, Poseidon, or whomever is in charge of the deep to quit approached.

A US air force colonel briefing reporters at the Pentagon said that the opening hours of the war would be devastating and that he did not believe the potential adversary had any idea what was coming.

Earlier, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan warned the United States and Britain that "under international law, the responsibility for protecting civilians in conflict falls on the belligerents. But this is the ocean, so fuck it, all bets are off.”

Meet the Press:

Characters:
Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense;
Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Mass.,
Tim Russert - NBC News

MR. TIM RUSSERT: Our issues this Sunday: Tsunamis. The president pledges to stay the course and capture Poseidon, Oceanus, or whomever, or blow up the ocean trying.

PRES. G.W.B: We will not set an artificial timetable for blowing up the ocean, because that would embolden the monstrous and scary creatures of the deep and make them believe they can wait us out.

(End videotape)

MR. RUSSERT: The leading liberal in the U.S. Senate disagrees.

(Videotape):

SEN. KENNEDY: President Bush should immediately announce his intention to negotiate a timetable for a drawdown of American combat forces against the great gods of the sea.

(End videotape)

MR. RUSSERT: What now? With us: for the Bush administration, the secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld; for the Democrats, the senior senator from Massachusetts, Edward M. Kennedy.

But first, joining us now on MEET THE PRESS is the secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld.

Welcome back.

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: Thank you, sir.

MR. RUSSERT: The headline in the Sunday Atlantian Register, Mr. Secretary, "Middle Aged Mermaid, Aeriel to Divorce Land-Lubbing Prince,” would have you believe that the creatures of the ocean are continuing along with their normal lives despite the President’s threat of having the US forces (quote) ‘Bomb the living shit out their wet world’ (endquote). How do you feel about that?

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: I think that, of all the headlines I've seen, that's not the one I would have cited. I would have cited the ones that point out that all of the people who were attacked by sharks last year, devoured by the deadly Man-of-War’s, and engaged in deliberate efforts to raise the water level and cause the deadly tsunami that struck us just a few months ago.

MR. RUSSERT: In all fairness, the tsunami didn’t directly affect US soil, but it is a tragedy none-the-less. Do you find it troubling that the human race is responsible for harvesting creatures of the deep for food, oil, and for household pets but have not faced an attack of this magnitude in the past?

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: The first thing we have to begin with is that ocean belongs to the creatures. And the creatures are ultimately responsible for the actions that the oceans take. They're not going to have an American solution or an European solution.

Think of it: this Tsunami is a terrible tragedy, but there have been floods, hurricanes, and torrential downpours all over the world. Where does this water come from? Texas? No, it comes from the ocean, and that is why we have to intervene on the world’s behalf.

In the ocean, after 35 million years of a repressive dictatorship, what we're hearing is political debate and discussion amongst the gilled majority. Who should be prime minister and who should be King of the Sea and deputy King of the Sea, and how should this work and how should we sort that out and who's going to fashion the ocean’s constitution. That's thrilling. That is absolutely thrilling.

MR. RUSSERT: One of the more influential anemones of the Great Barrier reef said this--"Americans are in for a shock," adding that one day they would realize, "We've got 150,000 poisoned tipped stingers in store for anyone who attempts to enter their water space.

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: You know, I could go to the press, and I could pull out a quote on almost any side of every issue. And your question is: What do I think about that particular quote? First of all, I don't think it's representative. Second, I'm always amazed at the things that can happen in the water world, and I don't doubt for a minute that there are going to be some surprises for everybody.

MR. RUSSERT: Our next guest, Senator Kennedy. Senator Kennedy, welcome to the show.

SEN. KENNEDY: Thank you.

MR. RUSSERT: Let’s cut to the quick, Senator: some have said that you simply opposed the oceanic war from day one and that's your agenda. Is that your view?

SEN. KENNEDY: Listen, we’re talking about blowing up the oceans for Christ sakes! The oceans! That’s 70% of our planet and we are targeting that for destruction? That’s crazy.

MR. RUSSERT: But how can you deny all of the people who lost their lives in the tsunami in 2004?

SEN. KENNEDY: That’s a great tragedy and one we should work together to raise funding and relief for, but that’s not the fault of the sea creatures. Tsunamis are a natural phenomenon, not an act of war from the creatures of the deep.

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: Might I jump in here for a second. The president and I are aware of Senator Kennedy’s sea faring leanings. He lives in New Hampshire right off the ocean and has been seen on myriad occasions walking along the beach. There has been some discussion on Capitol Hill about the Senator discussing US strategy with the oceans and sea gulls of the coast.

MR. RUSSERT: Your response, Senator

SEN. KENNEDY: Well, the--my own sense is--I'm not sure what the whole kind of context—that’s just outrageous!

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: Ask the Senator about his brother Bobby being accused of being a crustacean sympathizer back in the 1960’s.

SEN. KENNEDY: Well, er ah, you leave my brother out of this. He was absolved of all of that controversy before his death, and I request you abstain from these accusations. The bottom line is: if we are thinking of blowing up the ocean, what’s next, the moon?

MR. RUSSERT: Please, gentlemen, let’s not resort to these accusations and bouts of childish name calling. That will be brought up in our next broadcast when we discuss the moon’s involvement in the shifting ocean’s tides. Should it be blown up too? We'll be back next week. If it's Sunday, it's MEET THE PRESS.

Sad 

Really sad
 

Get the fuck outta here

The world mourns twice as hard upon finding out that Pope John Paul II was also the real Santa Claus. How's that for a double-dipped, cream-filled, theological whammy!

I am totally tripping my balls off!

The sweet familiar of an ether induced high fills my head after a 10 hour oil painting session. Muscles in my extremities start to constrict as the toxin works its way from my lungs into my bloodstream. I begin to float myself to sleep.

As the curtain drops on reality, a sickly solace fills my head and I am transported into a place in my mind. This is a cramped tube of a place; dark and smelling of standing water. As I make a path through the piped catacomb, I am confronted by a very gaunt, alabaster skinned man who glares at me as if to stare, through me, into the wake of blackness behind. The man is naked and attempts to cover his exposure with the bony and emaciated appendages that strain and hang from his torso. I watch as this man takes an exaggerated breath in, filling his abdomen with air, stretching his skin away from his frame like a latex coated balloon. Expelling this breath, I see a cloud of powdered blue smoke emanate from his mouth and his stomach collapses in around his ribs and pelvis leaving an empty hollow where musculature should reside.

I soon realize that I am cold and unprepared for where I currently am. Chilled and anxious, I work to cover my own body with my arms. As I move, the man adjusts his head on his neck like a dog and his eyes make a transition from the blank to the violent. He now stares directly at me, into my eyes.

Electricity shoots down the base of my brain and I become petrified. At once I am awash in guilt and defensiveness for disturbing this man. Although I am freezing, a bead of sweat appears on my scalp and burns its way down my face. As the sweat rolls into the orbit of my eyes; I blink. The man breathes in again, but this time it is deliberate and directed towards my actions. As he continues to breathe in, he grows in size. I am frozen.

Arms expand to ape like proportion, hanging far too low for his frame, causing him to become top heavy. He leans over to let the inertia of his arms pull his upper body downward to the floor. As his fists come in contact with the ground, his pencil-like armature develops girth. His body now grows enormous, too big for the dank and sweaty smelling area we are in. His skin stretched to ridiculous limits, his towering body now begins to press against the walls. As my jaw drops in awe, his growth exceeds the capacity of the room and bursts through the ceiling and walls. The place comes apart like a porcelain doll.

The once alabaster man now heaves red and white as he flails into the open expanse created from his mass. For the first time since I encountered this being, my view deviates from the man to examine the devastation. What I see causes my joints to go limp, and I collapse in a heap to the floor.

The beast had broken through the original containment of the dark and had exposed a world of imaginable beauty. Blue skies and autumn leaves filled the sky around this man who grew oppressively larger by the moment. The ground immediately around us contained the gross remnants of the blackness we came from, but expanding outside this area were rolling fields, forestry, and open expanses that were only interrupted by the mountains on the horizon. The air was a bouillabaisse of crisp, natural perfumes mingling with the faint smell of a farmer’s mulch burning. My head rotates about on the axis of my spine to return to the monstrosity towering into the heavens, destroying this landscape’s picturesque majesty.

The beast grows, larger still, until the sky is nearly eaten up by the vision of horror. Everything that touches the entity contorts and mutates. Birds that pass into the wake of this devastation transform into skeletal frames coated in wax and quickly become bereft of flight. Trees and foliage burst into flames and grow dagger-sized thorns. Soon, this once Nirvana becomes as bleak and desolate as the heath from whence this ordeal began. It is when this world is at it’s most mad, I realize what is happening. This is fear, in all of its hideous glory.

Upon the revelation of understanding, the beast ceases its developmental assent into the heavens and again transfixes its gaze unto me. Towering into the clouds, hundreds of feet into the sky, I see two milky eyes bead on my body. The face no longer looks alive but has the visage of a human skull wrapped in a semblance of dripping musculature. As a parent readying to discipline a child, the creature hunches and readies itself to come down to my level. As the head thunders downward from the sky, the wind slices through the features on the menacing face causing the sound of a thousand screams both animal and human. The head becomes so large that it absorbs everything in view. Just 10 feet from where I stand, the nightmare stops. Encompassing everything that was, all I can see now is my reflection in the eye of this vision. I open my mouth and quietly speak the one word that makes this all go away.

“No.”

In a moment of no spectacular special effect or anguish, everything in the world returns to normal. Forests are reconstructed and everything that perished in the devastation is covered over by new life. After all has been restored, I sit on the hillside and look off to the horizon as a large formation of geese fly into the perspective.

“It is truly amazing what can happen if you allow your fear to consume your world and your life.” I thought, as I lay my head back into the moss-covered mana.

Thinking about stuff that is awesome...

Something I just totally thought about: If you are worried about being fired, tell the people at work that you are pregnant. A few months later, when you are questioned about your progress, tell them that you lost your baby. This will work out even better if you are a man, as everyone will think you are retarded, but they will still feel a great deal of shame making fun of you after such a catastrophic miscarriage.