Tom Cruise is Totally, Super-Not-Gay Again

Cruise Readies Himself For Third Divorce by Announcing Engagement to Holmes
By Ida Givasheet, Associated Press Writer

PARIS - Tom Cruise popped the question to Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower early Friday and then announced the news to the world - "I am so totally, super-not-gay."

No wedding date has been set, Cruise said. "We haven't discussed that - we're taking it one normal, heterosexual step at a time."

"Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman, which is so right." the 42-year-old Cruise said. "It was early this morning at the Eiffel Tower, as I find Paris just so scruptious that I could eat it all up."



Cruise was in Paris to promote the French release of "War of the Worlds" next month. Holmes was in London earlier this week to publicize her new movie, "Batman Begins." Both actors have dismissed speculation their romance is a publicity stunt.

It would be the third "I'm not gay" announcement by Cruise. His first announcement came shortly before his marriage to Mimi Rogers and second moments after he proposed to Nicole Kidman.

Holmes has said she's embracing the Church of Scientology - Cruise's non-queer religion. The former star of television's "Dawson's Creek" has said she grew up wanting to marry someone so-not-gay like Cruise.

No paradox for time travellers

Hooray! According to NewScientist.com, when we travel into the past, we can't change it, even if we wanted. If that wasn't bad news enough, we can only travel back on our own timeline! No switching timelines to tell girlfriends not to sleep with other guys and just to wait for you to come along.

Since we can't alter the past, that means that we, as travellers, are safe, because the past can't alter us. Since the past would be non-interactive, in order to be non-altering, we should be as nothing as possible. Which I believe is the Army's new slogan in 2006.

Jokes aside, here's a brief, one act play about my time travel experience:



I accompany my Phantom Timeline Guide (or ‘PhaTiGid’ as they are commonly referred to in space-time talk) to an iron gate. Looking around there is a row of gravestones walled in by houses; overrun by grass and weeds. The Phantom (also known as ‘PTG-matron’) points down to a grave then to me and back again.

NEAL
Spirit (also known as ‘Phantoms’)! Hear me! I am not the man I was. I will not be the man I must have been but for this intervention. Why show me this, if I am past all hope?

The Phantom (also known as ‘Spirits’) is immovable as ever. I creep toward the grave, trembling; following the finger, read upon the stone of the neglected grave which holds my own name and the inscription, ‘Here lies Office Helper, Library Aide, Second String Hockey Coaching Assistant and the man voted Most likely to do nothing with his life even if they find a time machine.’

NEAL (wailing)
Oh, Phantom Spirit (eg. Spirit Phantom)! I will honor high school in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me I may sponge away the writing on this stone!

In mental agony, I grasp the spectral hand, to witness an alteration in the Phantom's hood and dress. It shrinks, collapses, and dwindles down into a bedpost.

INT. NEAL'S BED-ROOM

NEAL
I don't know what to do! I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel; I am as merry as a school-boy. I am as giddy as a drunken man. I want to shout to the world! Hallo here! Whoop! Hallo!

Spotting a BOY IN SUNDAY CLOTHES, loitering on the sidewalk below.

NEAL
What's to-day?

BOY IN SUNDAY CLOTHES
Eh?

NEAL
What's to-day, my fine fellow?

BOY IN SUNDAY CLOTHES
To-day? Why, Homecoming Day.

NEAL (to myself)
It's Homecoming Day! I haven't missed it. Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can.

(to the boy)
What in the fuck are you looking at dipshit? Get me a tuxedo or I’ll break you in half, Freshman!