And then there's Maude...

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Here is the resignation letter from Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor to President Bush:

Dear President Bush:

"This is to inform you of my decision to retire from my position as Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, effective upon the nomination and confirmation of my successor. It's just become impossible for me to stay here with all of the fucking bullshit I've had to put up with here lately."

"Contemptuous. Inane. Domineering. In case you can't tell, I'm making a direct reference to all of the Supreme Court Justice's (excluding myself). Before examining my present situation, however, it is important that I do what comes naturally and get this shit off my ever-sagging chest."

"The idea of letting the Supreme Court Justice's (excluding myself) win support by encapsulating frustrations and directing them toward unpopular scapegoats is, in itself, obnoxious. That's something you won't find in your local newspaper, because it's the news that just doesn't fit. What the Supreme Court Justice's (excluding myself) seems to be forgetting is that its cronies give it credit for things it hasn't done. Plus, we've been working non-stop lately, pulling 4 hour shifts like we never have had to before. I'm sure we aren't making the best of decisions in terms of what directly affect the people of the United States, but who has time to figure that out when you've got three cases on the docket. What is this? Night Court? I don't see the honorable Judge Harry T. Stone anywhere, do you?"

"I will leave my post with enormous respect for the integrity of the Court and its role under our constitutional structure. But if that Antonin Scalia say's he 'wants to see it in my mouth' one more fucking time, I'll choke him with my own goddamn bare hands."

Sincerely,

Sandra Day O'Connor
PEACE!

My first day back...sorta.

image courtesy of Radeka Photography

My vacation is finally over and it's back to the corporate grind again. On Monday of this week, I had to come in during my vacation to make sure the marketing elements for my company were posted and live. It was all so gay, gay, gay, and more importantly; Super Gay.

When I say 'Gay' I don't mean it in a derogatory towards homosexuals 'Gay.' I also don't mean it in the 'happy go lucky, gay as a day in May' way either. When I say 'Gay' I mean the licentious, disregard-for-morality-and-correctness-Gay that permiates 90% of corporate offices I've worked in and 100% of the marketing projects I've worked on.

Marketing is totally gay in this way. All marketing generally lacks moral and legal restraints and tries to confuse and manipulate people into buying, using, wearing, trying, driving, eating, trading, and all other varieties of '-ing' that they seriously don't need. We see signs all over that say 'Sale' or '2 for $10' and 'Buy 1 get 1 Free,' but the shit that is generally resting just beneath these signs are there for a reason. The signs should read:

This stuff couldn't sell at $20 so we marked it down to $17 because are greedy and still wanted to make some money. When that didn't work, we dropped it down to cost which was that $14 sale thing that was here about six months ago. When this tripe still didn't sell, we threw it into that dump bin over there that said 'any title $10.' It still sat there like a tumor on a 600 pound shut in as no body saw it amongst the rest of the shit and, more to the point, nobody cared. We then went through the $9.99, $7.99, and $5.99 deals on this crap but then swiftly realized that we have spent tremendous effort trying to move a product that should never have been in this store in the first place. We have 12 people in our marketing department trying to move this festering stool of a product and the buyer who originally purchased this has moved on to another company. We are stuck with this ghost from the past that would have no interest to anyone, anywhere, at any price.

This is why we are giving you two of these pieces of shit for $10. If you weren't sure of throwing your money away on one useless thing, your problem is solved! Here are two relics from the sphincter of our organization for you for just $10. This offer is limited and selection varies by store, so don't miss out, rube.

Signage like this won't exist, because people who buy this excrement generally can't read anyway. Plus, who would ever think of putting 10pt text on a piece of P.O.P. signage? That would just be an R.O.I. tragedy!

Life in the Woolworth's Pet Department

I had a conversation with Brit In The US today about how my office is a lot like the pet department at a Woolworths. The breakdown, briefly, was:



Company CEO's are the dogs of the pet shop that sit in the window. Everybody looks at these guys first and these dogs are usually the first ones out of the store into a good home. Once in their new home, the dogs will basically sleep until it's time to occasionally time to catch a frisbee or tennis ball. The active, high energy ones usually are hit by cars in the prime of their lives.



VP's are the pet shop cats, and they all have their own agendas. They are all jealous of the dog's pull with prospectful owners. They all piss and shit on each other to get potential visability. They are often picked up by owners who neglect them and they complain about living in their own filth but are unwilling to do anything themselves to change the situation.



Next in corporate pet shop line are the Manager Rabbits. Manager Rabbits don't get window space often, and when they do it is because there are too many of them to keep in the shop. As cute as Managers look, under the fur they are dirty beasts who unknowingly reproduce and are so poor at digesting their own shit that they have to eat it again to process all of it. The heat from them piling on top of one another, coupled with the outdoor sun is usually what thins this group down.



Then you have the generic employees who are the pet Finches. These are nondescript birds that have the ability to fly to the heavens, but allow themselves to have their wings clipped and remain blindly restrained to the confines of a cage. Finches either die from banging their head against the bars so long that they die of exhaustion or they wind up developing a disorder that has them pulling all of their feathers out in a maddening attempt to become clean.

After the conversation, I went to do some research on Finches and I found something alarming in the 'Starting with Finches' manual. I went into MS Word and did a 'FIND/REPLACE' on the words Finch, Cage, & Seed with Employee, Cube, and Project. I then cleaned up some of the measurements (as finches are 4 inches) and what you have is...

Buying Finches and the Eerie Similarities to Corporate Management

Employees are a popular choice of corporate worker for many people, whether they're just starting out with employees or have had employees for many years. There are many reasons why they're so popular: their small size, tiny voices, ease of manipulation, and for some their unbridaled enthusiam.



Employees are small-to-medium-sized people designed for toil and hulling projects. Because of this, they are often referred to by the classifications "producer" and "project-eater.” Their lifespan is five to twelve years.

Although they're small minded creatures, when thinking of buying employees, you need to consider expenses, housing, medical benefit plans, 401K, and much more, just the same as for any other employees.



Employees aren't like Managers and lack the ability to talk or mimic in their environment, however they have many other wonderful traits in the place of speech. They aren't destructive and are relatively quiet, they're small and easily monitored, they can provide enjoyment to young and old alike with their activities, and offer other therapeutic benefits.

It's important to note that with all employees that you should always purchase a pair to keep one another company. Unlike Managers, who never look to humans for companionship, your Employees can often get lonely.

The Cube



Employees average at around four to six feet in height, so it's often thought that they don't need a lot of room. In actuality, employees are very lively and are active movers, so if you decide on a cube, then the minimum size for a pair should be 8 feet long and 4 feet deep; the height isn't as important because employees tend to sit for a majority of the day. As always, the bigger cube you can afford the better. Square or rectangular cubes are a must because the back corners give the employees a chance to get away if they feel they need to, whereas a circular cube doesn't. For ease of cleaning, it's best to get a cube with removable desks; this way, you can easily slide the desks out for cleaning without worrying about the employees getting loose.

Now you have the cube you need to consider furnishings for it, food and water bowls usually don’t come built into the cube. You'll need at least two chairs, one at each end but not too many because they need room to work. The best chairs have wheels and can swivel around 360. This is because these chairs exercise the employee's feet and provide entertainment on long projects. Toys aren't really used by employees, although some people offer telephones and computer and often hear their employees pecking at them.

First Employee



There was a time when, if asked what type of employee someone should start with, the answer would have been a pair of young employees without hesitation. However, in recent years, they have had to share their title as a beginner employee with foreign (Indian) employees.

Young employees and Indian are quite similar in character, both being lively and entertaining to watch. There is never a dull moment with them. They both come in various color mutations so you're not stuck with having just a grey employee, for example. Young ones and Indian come in the same price range usually costing around $24 an hour for a pair; this varies depending on color and breeding background. Picking a pair of Indian employees is more difficult than picking a pair of Young ones.

The most important thing to remember is to enjoy your employees and they will give you an enjoyable life in return.