My blog has reached the infinite

I just received this email from BLOGinSPACE.com which states:





Your attempt to contact extraterrestrial intelligence has officially begun. At approximately 7:43 a.m. on the morning of August 12, 2005 at a longitude of 28.3 North and a latitude of 80.6 West traveling at 186,000 miles per second, the speed of light, your message was beamed into deep space trailing the launch of Atlas V at Cape Canaveral Florida. (Again, something for the nerds; Pluto is 2.7 billion miles from Earth. That means your blog has far surpassed our solar system!)

Now that the aliens have witnessed my powers of satire, we should all expect a visit very shortly. I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords.


Godspeed, little blog. Godspeed.

The next launch is scheduled for the week of September 12, 2005. You can get on board if you want by checking out their site.

I'd like to get a piece of that action

Keith Richards shows off his new line of 'Grandma Wear' which will be available at most participating Sears stores this October. (AP Photo/CP, Aaron Harris)

New research shows that 'Uptight White People' are faggots

Researchers from Philander Smith University have released an alarming report outlining their findings of, what they refer to as 'Uptight White People' (UWP).



In a recent study using a group of radically conservative, Rhode Island WASPs, researchers have revealed a scientific correlation between the tightness of a white person's anus and their propensity for being fucked. The eleven man, one woman team came to the universal conclusion that, because of the involvement of the 'anus,' each of these UWP's are not 'pussies,' as originally characterized, but 'faggots.'

"White people who purse, or constrict, their anus over the smallest issues are more likey to be fucked by nearly everything," said researcher Martin Luther Jackson Jr. He went on to say, "Everything from politics, to news stories, to reverse racism, to private school decline, to golf course greens keeping, to Hispanics; nearly everything seems to make white people's assholes tighter, thus more likely to be fucked by everything."

"The most interesting find was that these uptight white people (UWP) inherently know that their belief structure will set them up to be 'consistently fucked,'" said researcher Latrina-Denisha Desmond. "Strangely, these UWP's seem to enjoy the brutalistic pounding their paper thin beliefs, and anal cavities, will receive."

Pwned!

Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks mows the lawn of a government building, Tuesday, Aug. 9, 2005, in Lawrenceville, Ga. Wilbanks also has been picking up litter, washing public vehicles and cleaning government offices as part of her sentence for lying to police after she ran off days before her scheduled wedding. How do you like that taste of that justice, BIOTCH! That'll teach ya ta runaway from your radically religous hubby-to-be - BOOYA! (AP Photo/Gene Blythe)