Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, Episode 6 - The Creeping Moss from the Shores of Shuggoth
| 6th episode of hilarious British comedy series. | |
11/2/2006
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, Episode 4 - The Apes of Wrath
| 4th episode of hilarious British comedy series. | |
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, Episode 2 - Hell Hath Fury
| 2nd episode of hilarious British comedy series. | |
10/31/2006
10/20/2006
10/17/2006
9/15/2006
Dear Nintendo, Your Wii is Smelling More and More Like Ass
At the start of the year, I lauded Nintendo for their radical and groundbreaking 'Revolution' concept. As a casual gamer, one of my favorite experiences is introducing and sharing my video game experience with friends, family and co-workers. However, my interest has severely waned as name changes, price gouging, suspect timing of this consoles release and other nitpicky crap have reared themselves. I must ask, "Am I the only one who gets less and less interested in the Wii with each new announcement?"
Like most people who have an interest in gaming, I was a huge proponent of the Revolution game console during the intitial announcements of the system. I think Nintendo had a tremendous opportunity to let gamers, and non-gamers alike, in on an experience that could change perspectives of this video game business and make games a group/party event. With the most recent announcement (9/14/2006), Nintendo has managed to put this console out of the range of most casual customer’s pocketbooks and the release date makes it less of an impulse buy for most parents this holiday season.
Sure, they are packing in a Nunchucku controller and WiiSports, but a system that uses architecture that currently costs Nintendo $25 a motherboard to create and about $65 in memory, CPU and other components shouldn’t be used to take advantage of their fan base. In addition, the cost of peripherals if, for example, you would like to play games with your family is astronimical. A Wiimote will cost consumers $40 and the Nunchucku will cost an additional $20. If you wanted to play a four player game of WiiSports with your friends and family, you would need to shell out another $180 in controllers alone.
The release date is a very suspect move on Nintendo's part. Releasing two days after Sony shows that Nintendo is not making this a game machine for the masses, but a machine meant to compete with the current generation of game consoles. If Nintendo had the jump out of the gate by launching in October and having a secondary shipment scheduled for November 19th would get the console in the hands of those who want it early and not eating into the inventory scheduled for little Billy’s stocking this holiday. Launching that close to another console, and the same week of Gears of War will just let mom and pop know that this is just another machine like the one I purchased two years ago that is now collecting dust on the shelf.
Another issue of the release date is, like it or not, it speaks to Nintendo's lack of confidence in their decision to differentiate. The Wii was supposed to defy convention and break out of the video gameplay rut we have been plagued with since the PlayStation; where graphics define gameplay. Nintendo made bold statements and assured, through their iPod like video demonstrations that this system would be played by grandparents, metrosexuals, and loners alike. Pushing this system out till after the PS3 release is a move that expresses some degree of 'cold feet' with breaking away from the paradigms that have grounded video games for nearly 10 years.
Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, Nintendo has bumped the GameCube release date of Zelda: Twilight Princess until December 11th. That should say that they are beginning to worry about their own GameCube console pulling consumer dollars away from the Wii.
I wouldn’t have balked at a $199 price point and $150 would have been ideal, but $250? That’s just rude. But who cares, right? Everyone’s going to buy one this holiday, right?
I just wanted to vent for a moment to say that I am no longer interested in swinging Nintendo's stiff white wand around anymore as they seem happier shining their Wiimotes up real nice, turning them sideways and shoving them straight up consumers' assholes.
Screw you Nintendo, and your little machine too.
Like most people who have an interest in gaming, I was a huge proponent of the Revolution game console during the intitial announcements of the system. I think Nintendo had a tremendous opportunity to let gamers, and non-gamers alike, in on an experience that could change perspectives of this video game business and make games a group/party event. With the most recent announcement (9/14/2006), Nintendo has managed to put this console out of the range of most casual customer’s pocketbooks and the release date makes it less of an impulse buy for most parents this holiday season.
Sure, they are packing in a Nunchucku controller and WiiSports, but a system that uses architecture that currently costs Nintendo $25 a motherboard to create and about $65 in memory, CPU and other components shouldn’t be used to take advantage of their fan base. In addition, the cost of peripherals if, for example, you would like to play games with your family is astronimical. A Wiimote will cost consumers $40 and the Nunchucku will cost an additional $20. If you wanted to play a four player game of WiiSports with your friends and family, you would need to shell out another $180 in controllers alone.
The release date is a very suspect move on Nintendo's part. Releasing two days after Sony shows that Nintendo is not making this a game machine for the masses, but a machine meant to compete with the current generation of game consoles. If Nintendo had the jump out of the gate by launching in October and having a secondary shipment scheduled for November 19th would get the console in the hands of those who want it early and not eating into the inventory scheduled for little Billy’s stocking this holiday. Launching that close to another console, and the same week of Gears of War will just let mom and pop know that this is just another machine like the one I purchased two years ago that is now collecting dust on the shelf.
Another issue of the release date is, like it or not, it speaks to Nintendo's lack of confidence in their decision to differentiate. The Wii was supposed to defy convention and break out of the video gameplay rut we have been plagued with since the PlayStation; where graphics define gameplay. Nintendo made bold statements and assured, through their iPod like video demonstrations that this system would be played by grandparents, metrosexuals, and loners alike. Pushing this system out till after the PS3 release is a move that expresses some degree of 'cold feet' with breaking away from the paradigms that have grounded video games for nearly 10 years.
Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, Nintendo has bumped the GameCube release date of Zelda: Twilight Princess until December 11th. That should say that they are beginning to worry about their own GameCube console pulling consumer dollars away from the Wii.
I wouldn’t have balked at a $199 price point and $150 would have been ideal, but $250? That’s just rude. But who cares, right? Everyone’s going to buy one this holiday, right?
I just wanted to vent for a moment to say that I am no longer interested in swinging Nintendo's stiff white wand around anymore as they seem happier shining their Wiimotes up real nice, turning them sideways and shoving them straight up consumers' assholes.
Screw you Nintendo, and your little machine too.
8/24/2006
7/6/2006
Sony gets out shovels to dig a grave so deep, 'so even God cannot save us.'
A new billboard advert for Sony's white PSP has caused consternation across the US videogaming community. Long ago, Sony used to make really amazingly cool ads instead of simply kicking up controversy.
"Disruption is the art of asking better questions, challenging conventional wisdom and overturning assumptions and prejudices that get in the way of imagining new possibilities and visionary ideas.
Sony plans on launching their teaser ad campaign this September educating consumers on the connectiviy between the PSP and PlayStation 3. This series of ads involve a group of middle aged men stalking 13 year olds in the world of Online Everquest
Sony of Cambodia's (SOC) President, Yietink Yung Boiserhot, stands behind the company's dicey new ad campains stating "The PS3 will be using our proprietary new 'ITouchUWhereUP' technology, which we hope will connect hard core middle aged gamers to a younger group of casual handheld users." He continued, "we will make tremendous strides when we upgrade the PSP firmware to connect to the PS3 cell processor using our patented Motion Link Echo Sensing Transcievers (MoLESTr) technology."
Anyone else smelling another Enron?
7/5/2006
National Geographic foregoes science to post truth!
Noah's Ark Discovered in Iran: The debate
by: Ima Luzincred
for National Geographic News
July 4, 2006
High in the mountains of northwestern Iran, a Christian archaeology expedition has discovered a rock formation that its members say resembles the fabled Noah's ark.
"It looks uncannily like wood," said Robert Cornuke, president of the Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration Institute (BASE), "We can claim to have conclusively found the ark, as it does look like the object that the ancients talked about," Cornuke said. When we asked about further proof, Cornuke stated that they had also found 2,107,349 skulls; two for each spceies and one for Noah," before running off with his 14 year old girlfriend.
This discovery has spawned fierce religous debates from renouned institutions such as Robert Morris University to the little known southern baptist Churches of Littletown Nutbaggery. Many have questioned the 40 cubit quarters of the ship could not house that many animals. Religous expert, and fundementalist Christian, Cray Zecook, promptly pointed out, "due to cubit inflation, that unit must have measured much longer back in those days." He went on to say, "40 cubits could hold a whole lot more animals back then. Also, Noah shrunk the animals with a shrink-ray."
When questioned further, Cray became sweaty and defensive, "Silly you say? A SHRINK-RAY? Yes, Noah just loaded all the animals in the world into a boat with no SHRINK-RAY." We continued to press Cray for information as he made his way towards his 1990 Chevrolet Caprice. Somehow frustrated, Cray concluded his conversation by saying, "Ok, ok...so let's suppose there was no shrink-ray back then. Hypothetically, if there were no shrink-rays, how you suppose Noah shrank all of those animals? EXACTLY! God would HAVE HAD to provide SHRINK-RAYS! END OF STORY!"
Meanwhile, ancient timber specialist Archibald Bridge, of England's Oxford Dendrochronology Laboratory, is doubtful that a wooden structure would have lasted long enough to petrify under ordinary conditions.
"Bible scholars think that Noah built his ark somewhere between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago, making preservation highly unlikely except in extreme environmental conditions," said Bridge. When we suggested Cray's theorem that Noah could have used some type of shrink ray to put all of the animals on a 40 cubit ship, the professor balked and "LOL"-ed. "But if that WERE true, ladies and gentlemen, why is there no mention of SHRINK-RAYS in the Bible?"
The professor then lit up a rather curvy pipe, looked at us knowingly and stated, "But there is an interesting matrix of Hebrew characters...that when you take every 518th letter, it spells out 'SPACE SHUTTLE EXPLOSION.'" Tapping his newly lit pipe out on his desk, he recanted, "well actually it spells 'SPC SHTL XPLSN' but you get the picture.
Editor's Note: Shortly after this article was printed, National Geographic went back to putting representations Sea Monsters in the oceans of all of their maps and a dotted line to represent the end of the earth.
"It looks uncannily like wood," said Robert Cornuke, president of the Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration Institute (BASE), "We can claim to have conclusively found the ark, as it does look like the object that the ancients talked about," Cornuke said. When we asked about further proof, Cornuke stated that they had also found 2,107,349 skulls; two for each spceies and one for Noah," before running off with his 14 year old girlfriend.
This discovery has spawned fierce religous debates from renouned institutions such as Robert Morris University to the little known southern baptist Churches of Littletown Nutbaggery. Many have questioned the 40 cubit quarters of the ship could not house that many animals. Religous expert, and fundementalist Christian, Cray Zecook, promptly pointed out, "due to cubit inflation, that unit must have measured much longer back in those days." He went on to say, "40 cubits could hold a whole lot more animals back then. Also, Noah shrunk the animals with a shrink-ray."
When questioned further, Cray became sweaty and defensive, "Silly you say? A SHRINK-RAY? Yes, Noah just loaded all the animals in the world into a boat with no SHRINK-RAY." We continued to press Cray for information as he made his way towards his 1990 Chevrolet Caprice. Somehow frustrated, Cray concluded his conversation by saying, "Ok, ok...so let's suppose there was no shrink-ray back then. Hypothetically, if there were no shrink-rays, how you suppose Noah shrank all of those animals? EXACTLY! God would HAVE HAD to provide SHRINK-RAYS! END OF STORY!"
Meanwhile, ancient timber specialist Archibald Bridge, of England's Oxford Dendrochronology Laboratory, is doubtful that a wooden structure would have lasted long enough to petrify under ordinary conditions.
"Bible scholars think that Noah built his ark somewhere between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago, making preservation highly unlikely except in extreme environmental conditions," said Bridge. When we suggested Cray's theorem that Noah could have used some type of shrink ray to put all of the animals on a 40 cubit ship, the professor balked and "LOL"-ed. "But if that WERE true, ladies and gentlemen, why is there no mention of SHRINK-RAYS in the Bible?"
The professor then lit up a rather curvy pipe, looked at us knowingly and stated, "But there is an interesting matrix of Hebrew characters...that when you take every 518th letter, it spells out 'SPACE SHUTTLE EXPLOSION.'" Tapping his newly lit pipe out on his desk, he recanted, "well actually it spells 'SPC SHTL XPLSN' but you get the picture.
Editor's Note: Shortly after this article was printed, National Geographic went back to putting representations Sea Monsters in the oceans of all of their maps and a dotted line to represent the end of the earth.
7/3/2006
The bedding endorsed by government-owned murders
Pressure-relieving material is the heart and soul of all of Temper-Rest® Scandinavian Mattresses which has helped us become today’s high-tech alternative to the 80-year-old innerspring mattress design. This breakthrough in sleep technology was originally developed for NASA as a coffin insert for their Space Shuttle series of death machines.
After nearly a twenty years and billions of research dollars, NASA scientists stumbled upon the perfected version of the material. In 1988, at a press conference held at its headquarters in Washington, D.C., NASA stated, “It costs this kind of money to invent things via our patented 'hapenstance' methodology. How do you think we invented aluminum foil; using science? Hardly!"
So what is the future vision of NASA scientists; a material that could provide pressure-relieving support to astronauts moments before our spacecraft explodes shortly after liftoff or upon re-entry into the earth's atmosphere. Temper-Rest's® dedication to producing the next “giant leap for mankind” is truly Changing the way our astronauts, and our consumers, sleep with the fishes!
6/28/2006
My fear of mustard and pickles is ruining my life
It rarely gets funnier than this.
If I were high, unemployed and home watching this stuff on my couch, I would never want to do anything else. Regardless of your stance on politics or religion; we must all agree that we are a seriously fucked up place when you have the luxury of being terrified of balloons, mustard and pickles.
6/27/2006
ATTENTION CHILDREN: Skin monster to come for you whilst you sleep
During a press conference in Monterrey, Mexico on June 26, 2006, local urban legend, 'The Skin Monster' tells children and medium sized animals that "I will be coming for you whilst you lie sleeping. GWAAAAAAARRRRRR!"
The Skin Monster weighed 1,235 pounds when he was last in captivity back in January 2003. Most people had wondered how it was possible for him to be so adjile, able to eat hundreds of pounds of flesh each night, with so much girth. Those questions were answered when the investigating doctors found a network of 10,000 legs under his cloth-like external liver that looks like a surrong.
When originally captured, the Skin Monster had this to say, "People think that I can eat a whole cow but, in actually, I could eat an entire field of naughty cows if they didn't listen to their parents." (AP Photo/Juan Manuel Villasenor)
King Awesome makes surprise visit from Shit Mountain
Prominent King Awesome offers up his best 'Fonz' impersonation in support of his Awesome Endowment for the Awesomeless, at a press conference at the foot of Shit Montain, Iraq Tuesday, June 27, 2006. (AP Photo/Khalid Mohammed)
6/21/2006
6/20/2006
6/19/2006
6/18/2006
6/17/2006
6/16/2006
Host: Knock Knock...
Guest: Who's there? Host: Kick in the nuts! Guest: Kick in the nuts who? enjoy...
Guest: Who's there? Host: Kick in the nuts! Guest: Kick in the nuts who? enjoy...
6/5/2006
Hasslehoff's Blow Out Boxart Extravaganza!
I currently work in the internet department for a video retailer. Part of my job is to make sure that we are using the proper boxart for titles within our stores. We had one rabbid 'Hasslehoff-movie-renting-customer' complaining that we were using the wrong boxart for his stellar action movie 'Bail Out.' When I investigated the matter, there seemed to be endless varieties of boxart imagery for this title.
I have collected many of my findings here. Enjoy!
This cover makes it look like David Hasselhoff was caught in the act of something dirty; like trying to impersonate Richard Gere in the 1983 remake of Breathless. The blue tone of this cover makes me think this is a movie about hospital orderlies who use the term ‘Bail Out’ as a cooler way of saying ‘changing bed pans.’
I think my wife had the same look Linda Blair has on her face when I brought this DVD home over the weekend
“Come experience the wonder and amazement of the Oregon Coast with this educational DVD with commentary from 75% of David Hasslehoff’s face.” Seriously, there are 8 bajillion images of David floating around the internet. I think they could have got a complete headshot from somewhere
This one has a more-coarse Jim Morrison ‘I’m totally arty’ look. Unfortunately, the overwhelmingly poor choice of font face and ‘Ol’ Cap’n McDealie’s Golden Treasure Box o' Savings’ banner demolishes any degree of creativity to whatever lay underneath.
This is more like it; explosions, cross-hairsm bullet-laden text and blurry red cars! I now fully know what to expect when I rent this! My Saturday night will be ALL-RIGHT!
To Live and Die in LA meets The Best Little Whore House In Texas with a dash of Smokey and the Bandit! This picture shows that this DVD is still in its shrink wrap where it ultimately will continue to remain when the archeologists discover this item buried with the rest of our civilization in 1,000,000 years.
What in the world? Where did that tiny cop come from and why does he insist on shooting and showin’ his badge at the same time. Adding to the confusion' Linda Blair now looks 20 years older, 60 pounds heavier and a lot more like Delta Burke than she does in the second DVD cover. Having no idea what this movie is about, I would think I was watching a Baywatch, Designing Women, In the Heat of the Night television crossover.
This cover makes it look like David Hasselhoff was caught in the act of something dirty; like trying to impersonate Richard Gere in the 1983 remake of Breathless. The blue tone of this cover makes me think this is a movie about hospital orderlies who use the term ‘Bail Out’ as a cooler way of saying ‘changing bed pans.’
I think my wife had the same look Linda Blair has on her face when I brought this DVD home over the weekend
“Come experience the wonder and amazement of the Oregon Coast with this educational DVD with commentary from 75% of David Hasslehoff’s face.” Seriously, there are 8 bajillion images of David floating around the internet. I think they could have got a complete headshot from somewhere
This one has a more-coarse Jim Morrison ‘I’m totally arty’ look. Unfortunately, the overwhelmingly poor choice of font face and ‘Ol’ Cap’n McDealie’s Golden Treasure Box o' Savings’ banner demolishes any degree of creativity to whatever lay underneath.
This is more like it; explosions, cross-hairsm bullet-laden text and blurry red cars! I now fully know what to expect when I rent this! My Saturday night will be ALL-RIGHT!
To Live and Die in LA meets The Best Little Whore House In Texas with a dash of Smokey and the Bandit! This picture shows that this DVD is still in its shrink wrap where it ultimately will continue to remain when the archeologists discover this item buried with the rest of our civilization in 1,000,000 years.
What in the world? Where did that tiny cop come from and why does he insist on shooting and showin’ his badge at the same time. Adding to the confusion' Linda Blair now looks 20 years older, 60 pounds heavier and a lot more like Delta Burke than she does in the second DVD cover. Having no idea what this movie is about, I would think I was watching a Baywatch, Designing Women, In the Heat of the Night television crossover.
5/11/2006
I agree 100%
"I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it."
- Pablo Picasso
Wow and wow! This is exactly what keeps me from persuing challenges that are outside of my scope of experience and expertise. Going forward, I'll use this as my mantra for taking on new projects and challenges that I've been afraid to engage in my past.
5/9/2006
Beginning a sports rant
[My local sports team] is far superior to [your local sports team], and therefore I think you should get [violent and horrible event]ed.
5/5/2006
What's grosser than gross
GROSS:
When you use the urnial at work and it appears that someone has coughed up a pint sized loogie on the urinal cake.
GROSSER THAN GROSS:
It's not a loogie.
GROSSER THAN GROSSER THAN GROSS:
This is a true event and happened at my workplace this morning.
5/3/2006
A hero named 'Colbert'
From Salon.com:
"The real sign of Stephen Colbert's success at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner wasn't his jokes...Colbert's real feat: Showing us the real Washington media world, where everyone worries so much about offending someone, anyone, that the least bit of frank talk turns them into obedient little church mice."
Mr. Stephen Colbert not only tells us he's is going to leave a turd in the punchbowl, he drops his pants, inserts his pair of 12lb brass balls into the punch and shits out a whopping flu-like quantity of truthiness.
Bravo, sir. I am humbled and shamed by your unbelievable courage.
5/1/2006
There are rings around Uranus
There are rings around Uranus
Please don't think me unkind
I wonder what they're made of
It really blows my mind
It's big and green and made of gas
It sees no rain or shine
Uranus is a puzzle that
science can't unwind
When I'm feeling all alone
So lonely I could die
I look into my telescope and
Know just what I'll find
Uranus, big as life
Floating before my very eyes!
Uranus is a puzzle that
Science can't unwind.
"Uranus, tilted gently
Moving swiftly to one side"
Is what the planet Neptune thinks
When watching from behind
It has no atmosphere or
Oxygen of any kind
Yes sitting on Uranus would
Put one in a bind
Uranus is a puzzle that
Science can't unwind
4/26/2006
It's all about me!
Green Bay fans prepare for another 5-12 season as quarterback Brett Favre has told the Packers he will return to play this year, ESPN.com reported Tuesday night, April 25, 2006. The only reason I can think that he'd sign on again as that Favre must really, really, really hate spending time with his family. (AP Photo/Morry Gash)
4/13/2006
Why has He forsaken...He?
Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?
- 1 Corinthians 11:14
cue muffled trumpet - "wha whaaaaaaaa"
3/28/2006
Five more reasons for why I should never be president
The list of reasons why I am not president is both long and long. As you can deride from my last sentence, not being able to come up with adjectives is one of my faults, but definitely NOT one of the reasons I shouldn't be president. Picking apart someone for their inability to speak, spell, or formulate sentences properly is not a barometer of a man's intelligence and can be shrugged off as public-nitpickery.
This first installment will go over just five of my many, many insane plans that keep me from entering the White House.
NO PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION
Prescription medications only do two things; make sick people better and make perfectly healthy people think that they are sick. While corporations are yielding great amounts of cash from this principle of 'breakeven,' an end to this capitalistic fleecing of the populace has got to stop. As president, I will make sure that all prescription medications are eliminated and every over the counter medication shall be pulled as a precaution.
Now, I know this will raise a few shackles, but my solution to this problem goes beyond brilliant and into the realm of Lovecraftian-simplicity.
BRAIN TRANSPLANTATION SURGERY BY 2008
Why do we work to cure cancer? What good comes from trying to build robotic appendages? Face transplantation surgery is from the mind of Dr. Frankenstein and solves nothing! In fact, most surgeries, and by 'most' I mean 'all' could be replaced by the simple act of removing the healthy brain from a patient and placing it into a perfectly healthy host body.
Obesity? Eliminated! Aging? Abolished! Flesh eating viruses are nothing more than a petty scab when you can take the brain out in time and put it into a new, perfectly mobile, 100% intact body.
But where will we be able get so many able-host bodies for the cause? Let me answer that question for you America!
HUMAN BODY CLONING, MINUS THE BRAIN
Well, duh! We are just beginning to crack the DNA code which will ultimately bring the end of disease and age; or so the scientists would lead you to believe. Science takes a long-ass time and we, as a people, want one hour, quick fix, instant oatmeal answers to even the hardest of life’s monumental dilemmas. How about we stop with the 'possibility' of ending plagues and mortal devastation through DNA research and just start reproducing bodies without brains for a little bit. Think I'm crazy? Uh-uh! Take a listen Poindexter as I gots da floor!
Imagine being Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie? How about having sex with either of them? What about an army of beautiful Angelina's having sex with a Lord of the Rings-like mob of Brad Pitts? Sound like something you might like? Listen; let me break it down for you. You, as an average Joe or Jane, are probably ugly. Wouldn't you like to look in the mirror and see Brad staring back at you? What about the Extreme Makeover rejects that wind up looking like men instead of a beautifully reconditioned female? Don't they deserve to look like Angelina instead? Well, if you take Brad or Angie’s DNA and remove the brain-making-parts, which, trust me, cannot be that freaking hard with those two, and make a million clones for a million brains...well, you have the best looking country in the fucking universe!
Don't like those two? Well, we'll have thousands of lifeless, celebrity looking corpses for you to select from. Imagine being in a car wreck where you would lose and arm, an eye, or even your heartbeat. Then imagine waking up and looking like Jennifer Aniston? Nothing helps in the healing process more than beautiful hair and a perfectly toned body.
The more you think of it the more sense this makes, right?
Now, I know there will be people who ask stupid questions like, “Mr. president, what will we do with all of these ugly carcasses? With millions of operations a day, won’t these husked corpses will begin to build up?” To that I’d answer, “well, don't you know nothing about anything, Mr. Nobody McUghsalot. Check this out.
THE END OF AGRICULTURE
Whoa! Curve ball comin’ at ya! How does one have to do with the other?
Well, our society was built on this concept of farming and re-sale and a principal so flawed that it is just gay to talk about for more than one sentence. Check out any Omni or Discover magazine in your dentist’s office and you'll know this is true. Earlier in my dissertation I talked about pulling the billions, if not trillions, of dollars away from the pharmaceutical companies. Now watch me eliminate the national debt and world hunger in about 200 words.
All of the bodies that are piling up are comprised of various nutrients. Now, before you all go crazy, I'm not actually theorizing about stripping the bones for meat. That is barbaric and wastes of human effort to even consider doing something of that magnitude. What I do recommend is that we take the bodies and boil them down so that all of the meat and fat, skin and organs slide off of the skeleton like a boiled chicken. The skeleton will then be used in the manufacture of high-tinsel tools and building materials that we will use to construct my bridge to the moon (second term as president). The rest of the brine will be picked free of hair, fingernails, gold teeth and other debris, then mashed up into a malleable paste. The labor force could be part of the 'brain surgery' package where new body recipients will be required to work off their excess medical costs by refining and milling this paste into a tasteless composite which will be then shipped off to a plant that will occupy a 12 state acreage in the middle of the country. More like, southern-middle, because nobody really gives a shit about that real estate anyway. Seriously, you can buy a house there today for like six bucks, so I don't think we'll have a problem with the zoning.
With trillions of gallons of this tasteless protein being produced on a daily basis, what is there to do with it?
JELLY BELLY SHARES TO EXPLODE
Buy the stock now, cause they are going to be the largest supplier of flavoring for my new protein-packed, taste-anyway-you-want-it-to snack; The Ameri-Bar. And what a Merry Bar it is, packing in a whopping 100% of every vitamin and mineral you need for every meal. If Jelly Belly Jellybeans can taste like buttered popcorn and French toast, there is no reason that we can't get the building blocks of God's creation to taste like root beer floats and pumpkin pie.
The best part is that we will have a tremendous abundance of this product that we will have the international market spinning trying to keep up. We'll ship these off by the barge full every few hours to Ethiopia, Madagascar, Mexico, Chile, Alabama or where ever there is a modicum of hunger to ensure that no man, woman or child will ever starve again. Add to this, we won't really need hospitals any longer so we can use them as storage facilities for our ever growing stockpiles of America's Finest Resource; freshly hollowed out corpses! Every export will be 100% American made and handled by the most beautiful people on earth.
WHAT THIS REALLY MEANS FOR MY PEOPLE
With everyone so pretty, we will be focused on making prettier and more attractive looking people. More attractive people will need to constantly replace the leagues of passé-beauty that Angelina and Brad will ultimately represent. This means we can have the Brad Pitt Ameri-Bars made entirely of Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie corpses. In addition, because the brain will live for a much longer time than our older bodies, reproduction will nearly cease. Sure, will be fucking like crazed rabbits, but with the DNA problems we are bound to encounter, one day we will have completely sterilized the able bodied people of our great nation. That means America will need to stay strong at 450 million brains indefinitely for something I like to call the semi-circle of life.
I’ve save the best for last, as these new technologies and medical procedures become more and more commonplace, there will be no need for people to stay at home and watch television 4, 8, 12 hours a day. People will have only new bodies, sex with beautiful people, and creating Ameri-Bars to occupy their time. This means no more medical dramas, CSI’s, Law and Orders, or the increasingly gay 24 to flood every conversation around the work cooler. The airwaves will be freed up to show nothing but beautiful people’s faces along with a phone number to call when you want to schedule your body migration surgery…which will eventually be done by robot.
"Sayonara you CSI muthafuckas!"
"Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything."
- Floyd Dell
3/23/2006
Nude Britney Spears sculpture makes us all a little gayer
From the Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery in Brooklyn:
"A nude Britney Spears on a bearskin rug while giving birth to her firstborn marks a "first" for Pro-Life. Pop-star Britney Spears is the "ideal" model for Pro-Life and the subject of a dedication at Capla Kesting Fine Art in Brooklyn's Williamsburg gallery district, in what is proclaimed the first Pro-Life monument to birth, in April.
Image courtesy of Earvolution Britney provides inspiration for those struggling with the 'right choice'," said artist Daniel Edwards, recipient of a 2005 Bartlebooth award from London's The Art Newspaper. "She was number one with Google last year, with good reason - uneducated white trash are inspired by the beauty of a pregnant woman just out of high school. Also, people like seeing famous people naked." said Edwards.
Image courtesy of Earvolution Personally, as a father and Christian*, I personally believe that we should reverse-abortionate Brittney Spears’ and her Wal-Martain-like kin. * By ‘Christian,’ I mean that I am an avid believer in the teachings of WWE’s wrestling duo Edge and Christian.
Image courtesy of Earvolution Britney provides inspiration for those struggling with the 'right choice'," said artist Daniel Edwards, recipient of a 2005 Bartlebooth award from London's The Art Newspaper. "She was number one with Google last year, with good reason - uneducated white trash are inspired by the beauty of a pregnant woman just out of high school. Also, people like seeing famous people naked." said Edwards.
Image courtesy of Earvolution Personally, as a father and Christian*, I personally believe that we should reverse-abortionate Brittney Spears’ and her Wal-Martain-like kin. * By ‘Christian,’ I mean that I am an avid believer in the teachings of WWE’s wrestling duo Edge and Christian.
3/14/2006
Two weeks of absolute hell
To all 12 people who have bookmarked this blog, my apologies for not being here to update over the last few weeks. It has been a tough 2006 thus far with my grandmother passing away and my daughter reaching into Pink Floyd's 'comfortably numb' territory with a 104 fever.
To add to that, my hosting service has deleted my blog.html page from its servers. They say that bad things happen in threes, so let's hope this is it. Finger's crossed.
3/9/2006
Microsoft Unveils Project Origami
HANOVER, Germany - Microsoft Corp. finally took the wraps off its mysterious Project Origami on Thursday, unveiling a computer that's about the size of a large kitchen island but runs a full version of the Windows XP operating system.
The ultra-portable, wireless-enabled PC is everything a full computer or laptop is, minus the keyboard. Weighing about 270 1/2 pounds, the 10-inch thick device sports a 27-inch touch-sensitive screen that responds to a stylus the size of a horses leg or the punch of a fist.
"It really opens up new possibilities for PC use," said Garth 'Fatty' Mitchell, corporate vice president of Microsoft's Gianormo-Platforms Division.
"The whole Origami concept may very well change what devices people are going to carry via horse back," Mitchell said. "It's not a pocketable device, but it's certainly small enough to be kept close at hand in the back of your SUV with all of the seats out, and the fact that it runs Windows means that it can do a variety of tasks, from productivity to games to media consumption." He then added, "since it runs Windows, we expect it to crash, or be hacked by the close of today's show."
3/7/2006
Yet another reason not to live in South Dakota
Gov. Mike Rounds looks up into an empty office as he prepares to sign a bill that bans nearly all abortions in South Dakota Monday. The measure is designed to challenge the U.S. Supreme Court 1973 Roe v Wade decision that legalized abortion and bring a much needed populous to the state that houses just under 10,000 full time residents. (AP Photo/Joe Kafka)
2/27/2006
Out of Office AutoReply:
I am out of the office as my Grandmother has gone downstream. As another one of my relations pass, they erode the bank upon which I stand. Sooner or later, I'm going in too.
Be back soon.
2/22/2006
Holy shit! Competant and smuggless picture of George Bush released to press
In this picture, George Bush looks like a man you could actually respect. It is almost like you could believe him when he'd say something like, "I was unaware of the pending sale of shipping operations at six major U.S. seaports to a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates until the deal already had been approved by my administration."
Unfortunately, this is merely a snapshot moments before he sneezed without covering his mouth. Seconds later, he was caught wiping his nose on his sleeve. Those photographs have been siezed under the rules of the Patriot Act, section 74, line 18; in the clause about displaying the President's nasal occupants, past and present.
Never mind...he's back to looking looking >>Patriot Act exclusion; section 128, line 2; the President of the US will not be referred to as 'a retarded monkey on the shitter'<< again.
Of all my many colored days, today would definitely be considered 'olive'
Marwan Othman El-Hindi, 42, center, a U.S. citizen born in Jordan, is escorted by officials after being indicted by a federal grand jury on terrorism charges, Tuesday, Feb. 21, 2006, at the Federal Courthouse, in Toledo, Ohio. Marwan protested his arrest saying, "My only crime was smuggling in a truck load of explosives from Canada."* (AP Photo/Madalyn Ruggiero)
* This joke sounds much better if you give him an accent when you read that line. If you can't envision this, print this post out and bring it down to your local 7-11 and have the teller read this aloud. Hilarity will undoubtably ensue.
2/21/2006
Allow me to fill this for you...
Bush Blames Cuts at Energy Lab on Mix-Up
By LIBBY O. DIXEY, Associated Press Writer
2 hours ago
GOLDEN, Colo. - President Bush, on a three-state trip to promote his energy policy, said Tuesday that a budgeting mix-up was the reason 32 workers at one of the nation's premier renewable energy labs were laid off and then reinstated just before his visit. That and that it is a lot easier to blow shit up than it is to understand the science behind, what he referred to as 'energizm.'
"My message to those who work here is we want you to know how important your work is, and that we appreciate what you're doing and we expect you to keep doing it, but we can fire you on a whim, braniacs. Where's your science now, poinblexler?"
2/20/2006
Welcome to City 17
Welcome, welcome to City 17. You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest remaining urban centers. I thought so much of City 17 that I elected to establish my administration here, in the citadel so thoughtfully provided by our benefactors. I have been proud to call City 17 my home. So whether you are here to stay, or passing through on your way to parts unkown, welcome to City 17, it is safer here.
My friends, each of you is a single cell in the great body that is City 17. Today, that great body has purged itself of it's evolutionary challenged parasites. We have triumphed over the unprincipled dissemination of facts and independant thought. The thugs and wreckers of uniformity and peace have been cast out. The poisonous weeds of disinformation have been consigned to the dustbin of history. Let each and every cell rejoice! For today we celebrate the first, glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directive!
We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology, where each worker may bloom secure from the pests of contradictory and confusing truths. Our Unification of Thought is a more powerful weapon than any fleet or army on Earth! We are one people. With one will. One resolve. One cause. Our enemies shall talk themselves to death and we will bury them with their own confusion! We shall prevail!
Welcome to City 17. It is safer here.
2/17/2006
Don Knotts to be launched into space
In this photograph released by Space Adventures, American space tourist Don Knotts steps out of the Soyuz-TMA spacecraft capsule model in the Gagarin Vosmonaut Training Center in Star City near Moscow, in this July 7, 2005, file photo. Space Adventures, who has sent three space tourists into orbit including The Incredible Mr. Limpett, has partnered with venture capital firm Prodea in an agreement announced Thursday, Feb. 16, 2006, to develop rocket ships for suborbital flights. (AP Photo/Space Adventures, Dima Korotayev, File)
2/16/2006
Dick Cheney begins growth of new head
In what can only be described as 'ewwww,' Dick Cheney began work on growing a new head atop his existing one. When asked how it was possible, White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan answered, "Well, I'm not going to get into all the discussions or suggestions that I make about specific matters like that. I can only tell you that Mr. Cheney has powers that we, as lesser life forms, cannot comprehend."
Since we in the media have only this photo as evidence of the new head, we can assume that this growth will serve as a repository for more evil thoughts that will plague the American public. Either that, or he plans to put his weed in there.
2/15/2006
Local mental patients attribute 'crazy love' to their success at being freaks
Thailand's Scorpion Queen and Centipede King held their Valentine's Day's wedding Tuesday at a haunted house. Kanchana, 36, who set a world record in 2002 for spending 32 days in a glass cage with 3,400 scorpions, wedded 29-year-old Bunthawee who set a Thai record for enduring 28 days with 1,000 centipedes. Am I the first to pose this question; with so many options, why would Bunthawee settle for an older woman?
Let's raise our glasses in a toast and silently pray that these two are sterile. (AP Photo/Sakchai Lalit)
2/14/2006
2/13/2006
Cheney addresses lawyer with 'Freedom Fire'
American hero, Dick Cheney, can now add another feather in his cap as he unloaded a barrel full of buckshot into a lawyers face. Is there nothing this man does that doesn't make us smile?
When asked what the Vice President plans to do next, Cheney stated that he will help Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean repair a creaky floorboard at the top of Dean's staircase. "I would hate to see such an integral member of our opposing party tragically fall down the stairs before we could publically debate. He really needs to be more careful."
When asked what the Vice President plans to do next, Cheney stated that he will help Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean repair a creaky floorboard at the top of Dean's staircase. "I would hate to see such an integral member of our opposing party tragically fall down the stairs before we could publically debate. He really needs to be more careful."
2/10/2006
How humiliating...
"Oh my God! I think I just crapped my pants! Oh God, oh God, oh God this sucks! Just keep cool and act like nothing happened. Then get back to the creek and wash off."
"What? No, I didn't smell anything. Why do you ask? It might just be some sewage from under the pipe. Yeah, sometimes that happens. Listen, lets just get this giant clamp off so we can get the hell out of here."
"No, I don't think the smell is getting worse. Can't you just focus on this task and act a bit more mature. The back of my pants? No, I slipped in some oil before I got up here. Well, just because you didn't see me fall, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Can we just finish up, for fuck's sake?"
"No! NO! Don't call anybody over, we can do this ourselves. Shut up! I slipped in something. Don't you guys have something to do? America is only losing out on millions of dollars in oil and you are talking like middle schoolers.
"All right, so I shit my pants! What of it? I'm sorry that you have to laugh at my incontenance, but I can't help it. You guys are total dicks!" (AP Photo/Al Grillo, File)
2/9/2006
Bush details foiled terror plot targeting L.A.
WASHINGTON -- Attempting to focus public attention away from the man behind the curtain, President Bush offered new details today about a foiled terrorist plot in 2002 to fly a hijacked airplane full of Leprechauns into the Unicorn Rainbow Sunshine Love Building on Planet Xanadu.
In describing a plot involving shoe bombs and the 1979 starting lineup of The Harlem Globetrotters, the president apparently inadvertently referred to their suspected target as "an attack my huge stockpile of ill-gotten gold and oil." Bush then leaned back and lit up a cigar with a $10,000 bill saying, "Sept. 11, 2001, blah, blah, blah, and so on and so forth, yadda-yadda-yadda," ad nauseam.
2/8/2006
Fire prevention tips for flag owners
Flags; we love what they show of our heritage, our pride, our blind allegiance. But flags aren't all for show and pomp. Flags are a big responsibility, and you need to respect that. Here are a few tips that will help keep your home, family and cloth garments flame-resistant, flame-retardant, and flame-lessly-flameless all year round.
When purchasing a flag, choose material that won't easily ignite if it comes in contact with heat or flame or hate filled riot spawned from a comic strip. Sometimes even the meekest forms of satire can cause your flag to burst into flames.
Avoid billowing or long trailing conversations about religion, politics, or soccer.
Keep flags and other icons of your nationality well away from all open flames and heat sources, including light bulbs, heaters, and nut bags who will tell you that it is a treason against the Lord to have icons outside of 'His' image.
Use flashlights as alternatives to candles or torches when parading and/or protesting with your flag. It is much more likely that you will recover from a beating with a maglite that you would from being burned over 80% of your body when you are wrapped up in your flag and set ablaze by people who don't share the same opinion as you.
When presenting the flag at your residence, make sure you have a flagpole offset from your house to delay the inevitable house fire that will come when people in your neighborhood get wind of your patriotism.
Remember to keep exits clear of flags, ensuring nothing blocks escape routes to your beloved freedom/cursed freedom (depending on what country you are from).
Instruct children to stay away from flags that are different than yours and, if they do get to close, make sure they know how to stop, drop and roll in the event their clothing catches fire. (Stop immediately, drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands, and roll over and over to extinguish flames while screaming 'I am one of you, for the love of whatever God we believe in put me out!')
Oh, and don't write on your flag. That's just downright disrespectful and fucking rude to boot!
When purchasing a flag, choose material that won't easily ignite if it comes in contact with heat or flame or hate filled riot spawned from a comic strip. Sometimes even the meekest forms of satire can cause your flag to burst into flames.
Avoid billowing or long trailing conversations about religion, politics, or soccer.
Keep flags and other icons of your nationality well away from all open flames and heat sources, including light bulbs, heaters, and nut bags who will tell you that it is a treason against the Lord to have icons outside of 'His' image.
Use flashlights as alternatives to candles or torches when parading and/or protesting with your flag. It is much more likely that you will recover from a beating with a maglite that you would from being burned over 80% of your body when you are wrapped up in your flag and set ablaze by people who don't share the same opinion as you.
When presenting the flag at your residence, make sure you have a flagpole offset from your house to delay the inevitable house fire that will come when people in your neighborhood get wind of your patriotism.
Remember to keep exits clear of flags, ensuring nothing blocks escape routes to your beloved freedom/cursed freedom (depending on what country you are from).
Instruct children to stay away from flags that are different than yours and, if they do get to close, make sure they know how to stop, drop and roll in the event their clothing catches fire. (Stop immediately, drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands, and roll over and over to extinguish flames while screaming 'I am one of you, for the love of whatever God we believe in put me out!')
Oh, and don't write on your flag. That's just downright disrespectful and fucking rude to boot!
2/7/2006
Steelers fans protest Seattle Post Intelligencer cartoon
The protesters, chanting "Bus is Greatest" and "Starbucks, Microsoft, Nirvana, shame on you," smashed all the Seattle Post Intelligencer's windows with Iron City beer cans and then tried to hurl spuds from homemade potato cannons inside.
Riot organizer, Joe Pozluzniski, spoke to the crowd, "Whilez Ize gets that yinz can complain an bitch abaht de officiatin,' youze guys has gots ta respect de Pittsburgh Stillers an at." Joe put the megaphone down for a moment to place his index finger upon his left nostril where he then blew a great train of mucous and resin out from his right nasal cavity. He then continued, "'Ere we goes Stillers, ere we go," as the group marched dahntahn to continue their protest where there were more chairs to sit down on, an at.
2/6/2006
Nobody apparently "wins" anything anymore
I tried to be civil, but with my workmates being such Al Gore's about the Super Bowl loss for the Seattle Seahawks, I have no choice but to take the higher ground and say, "grow the fuck up and show some degree of sportmanship, you douchebags."
This morning, I even went so far as to agree with some of the questionable calls made during the game (see previous blog entry). But after only a few short hours here, I've grown tired of the "way to cheat, asshole," and "how much did you pay those refs," coupled with the repeated officiating complaints made by people who became Seattle fans just two weeks ago.
Let me explain some of the questionable calls against the Seahawks:
Look at where his feet are on the 'E' 1. Offensive pass interference: when two players are occupying the same spot, the receiver puts his hand on the defender and makes a pushing off motion, he's going to get flagged. It's easy to look back in slow motion and say you should let them play the game, but if Hope had fought back through that contact, HE would have been flagged. Personally, I thought this was a pretty tight call, and I probably would not have called it, but it also looked different to the back judge than it did to me in my living room.
2. Holding: Sorry, Madden, that was holding. Yes, the tackle had his hands on the inside of Clark Haggans. Unfortunately, the rest of him was BEHIND Clark Haggans. That's holding and you get flagged. Every. Single. Time.
And the officiating wasn't terribly one-sided, either. There was a blatant block in the back on Roethlisberger that was ignored. If the block hadn't happened, Roethlisberger likely tackles Herndon at the 45 yard line. Flag the block, and Seattle's at their OWN 45 yard line. Instead they start inside the Steelers' 30, and they score their only touchdown. Let's not forget the fumble by Stevens that was ruled an incomplete pass. Stevens turned upfield and took three steps...but nobody makes mention of that. Because nobody remembers what went against the winner.
Seattle had their chances to win. Both teams played like crap, which often happens in Super Bowls. The only difference is Pittsburgh made the big plays, where Seattle had to rely on long methodical drives to gain yardage (without using the league MVP, for some reason). While that's the formula for success in the regular season, it's the big plays that win the Super Bowl (which is why wide receivers are never regular season MVPs, but have taken the honor in the Super Bowl two years running).
FYI: Remember what the Steelers did when a clear cut interception then fumble recovery was called back during the Colts game, a call that the NFL themselves said should not have over turned?
They kept it up and won the game.
This morning, I even went so far as to agree with some of the questionable calls made during the game (see previous blog entry). But after only a few short hours here, I've grown tired of the "way to cheat, asshole," and "how much did you pay those refs," coupled with the repeated officiating complaints made by people who became Seattle fans just two weeks ago.
Let me explain some of the questionable calls against the Seahawks:
Look at where his feet are on the 'E' 1. Offensive pass interference: when two players are occupying the same spot, the receiver puts his hand on the defender and makes a pushing off motion, he's going to get flagged. It's easy to look back in slow motion and say you should let them play the game, but if Hope had fought back through that contact, HE would have been flagged. Personally, I thought this was a pretty tight call, and I probably would not have called it, but it also looked different to the back judge than it did to me in my living room.
2. Holding: Sorry, Madden, that was holding. Yes, the tackle had his hands on the inside of Clark Haggans. Unfortunately, the rest of him was BEHIND Clark Haggans. That's holding and you get flagged. Every. Single. Time.
And the officiating wasn't terribly one-sided, either. There was a blatant block in the back on Roethlisberger that was ignored. If the block hadn't happened, Roethlisberger likely tackles Herndon at the 45 yard line. Flag the block, and Seattle's at their OWN 45 yard line. Instead they start inside the Steelers' 30, and they score their only touchdown. Let's not forget the fumble by Stevens that was ruled an incomplete pass. Stevens turned upfield and took three steps...but nobody makes mention of that. Because nobody remembers what went against the winner.
Seattle had their chances to win. Both teams played like crap, which often happens in Super Bowls. The only difference is Pittsburgh made the big plays, where Seattle had to rely on long methodical drives to gain yardage (without using the league MVP, for some reason). While that's the formula for success in the regular season, it's the big plays that win the Super Bowl (which is why wide receivers are never regular season MVPs, but have taken the honor in the Super Bowl two years running).
FYI: Remember what the Steelers did when a clear cut interception then fumble recovery was called back during the Colts game, a call that the NFL themselves said should not have over turned?
They kept it up and won the game.
Mission statement
The mission of the National Federation of the Blind is to achieve widespread emotional acceptance and intellectual understanding that the real problem of blindness is not the loss of eyesight but the misconceptions and lack of information which exist. We do this by bringing blind people together to share successes, to support each other in times of failure, and to create imaginative solutions. Oh, and to officiate in the NFL...we do that too.
I will fucking kill you, cartoon!
Cartoon! Your disrepectful images bring great shame and tremendous anger! I just want to choke the shit out of you in the name of my prophet's name. Oh, you think I'm kidding? That this is some kind of fucking game? WRONG AGAIN, CARTOON! If you think that we as a people are going to settle down and focus on important things like our families or garnering some kind of education, then you have no idea how wrong you are doodle! God! I'm so fucking angry right now!
Editor's note: You see, this is exactly what happens when you allow cartoons to run amok. Calvin and Hobbes is my favorite strip of all time, but when I drive up behind a truck that has Calvin peeing on something or praying to a cross, I just want to go ballistic and fucking burn down an embassy. Don't you? I mean, it's a natural human response to go completely batshit insane over something that offends you, right?
2/3/2006
All this over a cartoon?
Palestinian Hamas supporters attend a rally against the publication of cartoons in European newspapers depicting the Prophet Mohammad, in front of the Palestinian parliament in Gaza City, Friday, Feb, 3, 2006.
I would think that even Mohammad would have to say they wasting their energy and efforts fighting over every perceived injustice. "If it's not about me, my people are bitching about the last episode of Seinfeld not living up to expectation. I just want to say 'don't you have other problems to deal with that are more important than the Family Circus?' Grow the fuck up." (AP Photo/Adel Hana)
2/2/2006
Life in Gobbler's Knob
Punxsutawney Phil, the weather predicting groundhog, is mortified by the fact that no one gets the joke about the name of their town. Phil's handler, and Gobbler Mayor, Bill Deeley said that he was proud of his position being head Knob Gobbler. He then asked us why we were laughing hysterically. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)
2/1/2006
Is this seat taken?
While I am sure this bull was put down shortly after this event, I hope she was able to take out some of these fuck-o's in the crowd. I don't give a shit if you think human life is more important than any other form of life on this planet, but if you derive any sort of pleasure from watching an animal tortured and bled to death, you deserve to die by a pair of horns up your rectum. Fuck you, Mexico! (AP Photo/Pedro Mera/El Universal)
1/31/2006
Microsoft's Iranian Xbox 360 Event
Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, waits for a shipment of Xbox 360's that will never arrive, in Tehran, Iran, Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2006. Bill Gates stated that Microsoft would be unveiling the Xbox 360 in Iran in January, but as the month closes out, there has been no communication and no Xbox 360's shipped to Iran. The U.N. Security Council has deceided to allocate Iran's Xbox 360 shipments until after a formal report on Tehran's pre-order activities with Sony's Playstation 3. (AP Photo/ISNA, Mehdi Ghasemi)
What's the big deal about Steeler football?
Being a Steeler fan means so much more than football. At least that's what 30+ emails have been telling me since Pittsburgh beat Denver in the playoffs last week. Residents of Pittsburgh are telling me that the city is all about heritage, hard work and pride. To me, that's just bullshit.
While I now live in Portland, Oregon; spending my first 25 years in Pittsburgh will always make that town my 'home.' However, my memory of Pittsburgh residents is not the stalwart, Blue-collar superman as depicted in these emails, but more a Stanley P. Kachowski security guard who spends most of his time ‘waitin’ for the ol' disability check.’
I was taught, via school and through example, that these hard core/ex-steelworker-types, were not worth aspiring to and that the goal of existence was to never have to perform a 'dirty job' like mill work. There always seemed to be an extreme predjudice and negative connotation towards people who chose to work inside Pittsburgh's dead art of steel. That is, until football season came around. Come preseason everyone is supposed to believe that anyone who lives in Pittsburgh has smelt iron and shat rivets at one point in their life.
My choice to move away from a city of such history and greatness was a difficult one. Carnegie Museum, The Cathedral of Learning, multiple sports teams, and a rich tapestry of cultural diversity made Pittsburgh a city that had a little something for everyone. However, day to day life around the city seemed to be fraught with a debilitating sense of depression. It was like once the steel mills left, the city no longer had an identity. The key identifier of what made Pittsburgh strong was gone, leaving a gaping expanse of ‘what in the fuck do we do now?’
Through most of the 80’s and 90’s, Pittsburgh reinvented as a city of business. It is now a strong city and a proud city; however, it seems to be a city stuck doing splits between the concept of what it was and what it can become. Once defined in the steel mills, strong in muscle and covered in sweat, this city is now dry cleaned and pressed. Where my grandparents fought with fire and white-hot embers to make steel, the next generation fought to make sure the steel on their $75,000 Harley Davidson was properly chromed.
Pittsburghers still want to be tough, but their collar has changed from blue to whatever color collar comes with a $90 golf shirt. When you drive a Lexus and make more in a month than your entire family made in the year 1970, it is hard to comprehend what a Steelers victory actually meant to those people who were out of work, trying to claw through life with a dreadful case of black lung.
I want the Pittsburgh Steelers to win on Sunday. My ritual will be the same; same clothes, same place on the couch, same coffee cake and with the same cathartic ranting of a lunatic. But, let’s put this in perspective; these are ‘Our Steelers.’ This isn’t Mean Joe Greene or Jack Lambert, this isn’t Rocky Blier or Terry Bradshaw; and this game certainly isn’t for steel and Pierogies. This Super Bowl is about strength in a new world and the possibility of greatness for Pittsburgh outside of silt and slag.
While I now live in Portland, Oregon; spending my first 25 years in Pittsburgh will always make that town my 'home.' However, my memory of Pittsburgh residents is not the stalwart, Blue-collar superman as depicted in these emails, but more a Stanley P. Kachowski security guard who spends most of his time ‘waitin’ for the ol' disability check.’
I was taught, via school and through example, that these hard core/ex-steelworker-types, were not worth aspiring to and that the goal of existence was to never have to perform a 'dirty job' like mill work. There always seemed to be an extreme predjudice and negative connotation towards people who chose to work inside Pittsburgh's dead art of steel. That is, until football season came around. Come preseason everyone is supposed to believe that anyone who lives in Pittsburgh has smelt iron and shat rivets at one point in their life.
My choice to move away from a city of such history and greatness was a difficult one. Carnegie Museum, The Cathedral of Learning, multiple sports teams, and a rich tapestry of cultural diversity made Pittsburgh a city that had a little something for everyone. However, day to day life around the city seemed to be fraught with a debilitating sense of depression. It was like once the steel mills left, the city no longer had an identity. The key identifier of what made Pittsburgh strong was gone, leaving a gaping expanse of ‘what in the fuck do we do now?’
Through most of the 80’s and 90’s, Pittsburgh reinvented as a city of business. It is now a strong city and a proud city; however, it seems to be a city stuck doing splits between the concept of what it was and what it can become. Once defined in the steel mills, strong in muscle and covered in sweat, this city is now dry cleaned and pressed. Where my grandparents fought with fire and white-hot embers to make steel, the next generation fought to make sure the steel on their $75,000 Harley Davidson was properly chromed.
Pittsburghers still want to be tough, but their collar has changed from blue to whatever color collar comes with a $90 golf shirt. When you drive a Lexus and make more in a month than your entire family made in the year 1970, it is hard to comprehend what a Steelers victory actually meant to those people who were out of work, trying to claw through life with a dreadful case of black lung.
I want the Pittsburgh Steelers to win on Sunday. My ritual will be the same; same clothes, same place on the couch, same coffee cake and with the same cathartic ranting of a lunatic. But, let’s put this in perspective; these are ‘Our Steelers.’ This isn’t Mean Joe Greene or Jack Lambert, this isn’t Rocky Blier or Terry Bradshaw; and this game certainly isn’t for steel and Pierogies. This Super Bowl is about strength in a new world and the possibility of greatness for Pittsburgh outside of silt and slag.
1/26/2006
Splinter Cell on Xbox 360 screenshots
BOOM! HEAD SHOT!
Veteran agent Sam Fisher is back. But he’s never faced an enemy like this before. To stop the devastating election results, he must infiltrate a vicious terrorist group and destroy it from within.
More enemies, more weapons, less direction than ever before
For the first time ever, experience the relentless tension and gut-wrenching dilemmas of life as a double agent. As you infiltrate one of Hamas' 76 seats in the 132-member parliament, you must carefully weigh the consequences of your actions.
Enemy spawn points generate random weapons with almost unlimited ammo. Is Sam up to the task of seeking diplomacy, or will he have to kill them all?
Kill too many criminals and you’ll blow your cover. Hesitate too long and millions will die. Do whatever it takes to complete your mission, but get out alive.
1/25/2006
Guerrilla War in the U.S.A.
"It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it is true."
- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
What Really Matters: No Booth Babes at E3
From Yahoo News:
"Rules prohibiting the use of scantily clad young women to peddle video games now include a $5,000 fine on the spot for the booth owner if the "booth babe" is semi-clad.
"What's new in 2006 is an update and clarification of the enforcement policies; as we do from time to time, we have taken steps to ensure that exhibitors are familiar with the policy and how it will be enforced," Mary Dolaher, E3Expo show director, said in an e-mail."
These girls are HOT!
What Really Matters
This announcement is nothing more than a 'scare' article to deter the thousands of socially handicapped boys who dote and drool upon girls that have lower standards than most porn stars. Sleep well otaku; E3 will still be booth babes, girls on the floor will still be barely dressed, and just like last year I will still have to make excuses to my wife of why I have so many pictures of myself with them.
This press release/information leak is nothing more than E3 trying to generate more interest in the show. The restriction that is being raised is something that has been on the books for a few years now. The point of contention is "NO BATHING SUIT BOTTOMS" which means leotards, hot pants, and shorty-McJorts are all fair game.
As a long-time gamer and married-type-person, I could give a crap about these girls. They are there to hand out pamphlets for games no one cares about while being constantly surrounded by the smelliest people on earth.
Even if they cut these girls out entirely it wouldn't kill anyone. The show is held in Los Angeles for Christ's sake. Half the girls that walk the strip in Santa Monica are dressed in less and are twice as attractive as any girl that would wear a Majesco logo across their ass. What this would mean is that most people would spend less time on the floor and more time in taxi cabs going between strip clubs and the beach.
Lord know the patrons of E3 could do with getting some sun and, much needed, exercise.
1/24/2006
What in the fuck do you people want from me?
You guys are all in college, right? Your parents could afford to send you here, so that means your families have money. I'm just looking out for the best interests of your families by eliminating the filthy, whorish and poorish underbelly of this country. Why do you think 3000+ poor people are still missin' after Katrina? Cause we don't want to find them, that's why.
With my $12.7 billion cut to education assistance, I'm making sure that those darkies don't creep into the schools to impregnate your sons and daughters, thus cutting down on abortion which will soon be illegal again anyway. It's all part of my party's Master Plan. Once we eliminate the poor from our society, we can begin to erradicate the Jews and Negros. It's simple math, people; the scheming Jew and his swarming army of colored inferiors will be our undoing if not properly monitored by planned exportation or, say, something like a 'prison-type-camp' thingy. Now do you understand?
Alright, next question?
1/23/2006
Acquitted NBA Rapist taking it to a different hole
How does one describe Kobe's 81 points? How about a premeditated, predatory, intimidating and carefully planned assault against the home team's 18-inch rim.
Bryant had a few dunks and layups thrown in there, but it was mostly his deep, penatration the exposed the vulnerability of the Raptors. Kobe stated after the game that "[it was my] desire for control, power and domination which was my numero uno motivatorto."
Bryant isolated Jalen Rose, Mo Pete, Mike James and Charlie V early in the game and proceeded to victimize them score after score. Bryant exhibited a measure of psychological and physical control over the Raps allowing him continually re-victimize them again and again.
The Raptors tried to convince themselves that nothing deviant had happened on the court. Sam Mitchell, coach of the Raptors spoke through tears and a silver police blanket "Kobe ultimately wasn't playing to hurt me and the Raptors. He was playing against all the guys who never scored 80, or even 70 -- Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Dominique Wilkins, Allen Iverson, Shaquille O'Neal..." Mitchell's voice began to quiver as he said, "when he hurts us like this, it only means he loves us." Mitchell then completely fell apart, burying his face into his hand before being escorted out of the press conference by the Toronto police psychologist.
Black and Gold, Steeler Pride
Ize gotsa feelin'
Pittsburgh's goin' to da Super Bowl
Ize gotsa feelin'
Dis guy's runnin' to da Taco Bell
1/22/2006
Cardnals fan takes questions from abortion protestors
Pro-choice supporters, left, argue with pro-life supporter Brad Luberda, far right, during a pro-life march at the Supreme Court Building. This further proves my pount that Cardinal fans can't seem to get anything right. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)
1/21/2006
Flags are a big responsibility, and you need to respect that.
Flags; we love what they show of our heritage, our pride, our blind allegiance. But flags aren't all for show and pomp. Flags are a big responsibility, and you need to respect that. Here are a few tips that will help keep your home, family and cloth garments flame-resistant, flame-retardant, and flame-lessly-flameless all year round.
When purchasing a flag, choose material that won't easily ignite if it comes in contact with heat or flame or hate filled riot spawned from a comic strip. Sometimes even the meekest forms of satire can cause your flag to burst into flames.
Avoid billowing or long trailing conversations about religion, politics, or soccer.
Keep flags and other icons of your nationality well away from all open flames and heat sources, including light bulbs, heaters, and nut bags who will tell you that it is a treason against the Lord to have icons outside of 'His' image.
Use flashlights as alternatives to candles or torches when parading and/or protesting with your flag. It is much more likely that you will recover from a beating with a maglite that you would from being burned over 80% of your body when you are wrapped up in your flag and set ablaze by people who don't share the same opinion as you.
When presenting the flag at your residence, make sure you have a flagpole offset from your house to delay the inevitable house fire that will come when people in your neighborhood get wind of your patriotism.
Remember to keep exits clear of flags, ensuring nothing blocks escape routes to your beloved freedom/cursed freedom (depending on what country you are from).
Instruct children to stay away from flags that are different than yours and, if they do get to close, make sure they know how to stop, drop and roll in the event their clothing catches fire. (Stop immediately, drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands, and roll over and over to extinguish flames while screaming 'I am one of you, for the love of whatever God we believe in put me out!')
Oh, and don't write on your flag. That's just downright disrespectful and fucking rude to boot!
When purchasing a flag, choose material that won't easily ignite if it comes in contact with heat or flame or hate filled riot spawned from a comic strip. Sometimes even the meekest forms of satire can cause your flag to burst into flames.
Avoid billowing or long trailing conversations about religion, politics, or soccer.
Keep flags and other icons of your nationality well away from all open flames and heat sources, including light bulbs, heaters, and nut bags who will tell you that it is a treason against the Lord to have icons outside of 'His' image.
Use flashlights as alternatives to candles or torches when parading and/or protesting with your flag. It is much more likely that you will recover from a beating with a maglite that you would from being burned over 80% of your body when you are wrapped up in your flag and set ablaze by people who don't share the same opinion as you.
When presenting the flag at your residence, make sure you have a flagpole offset from your house to delay the inevitable house fire that will come when people in your neighborhood get wind of your patriotism.
Remember to keep exits clear of flags, ensuring nothing blocks escape routes to your beloved freedom/cursed freedom (depending on what country you are from).
Instruct children to stay away from flags that are different than yours and, if they do get to close, make sure they know how to stop, drop and roll in the event their clothing catches fire. (Stop immediately, drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands, and roll over and over to extinguish flames while screaming 'I am one of you, for the love of whatever God we believe in put me out!')
Oh, and don't write on your flag. That's just downright disrespectful and fucking rude to boot!
1/20/2006
Call out to my man Simon, finger lickin' good y'all
I wanted to apologize for the severe blight of new entries over this past week. I am currently in the process of developing a book based on the posts from this site which should be done and ready for distribution by the end of February.
While I realize new posts are coming at a snail's pace, I thought I would take an opportunity to thank the one person who introduced me to this wonderful world of blogging in the first place.
Thank you Sir Simon Date, aka: Britintheus, for your invaluable contribution to tasteless comedy on the internet.
Thank you Sir Simon Date, aka: Britintheus, for your invaluable contribution to tasteless comedy on the internet.
1/19/2006
America's love affair with white chicks in trouble
"The United States does not negotiate with terrorists," the President said. What we didn't hear was the asterisk the President placed just after the word 'terrorists' where he adds this little gem, "unless terrorists threaten to do something to a young, white girl. Then, shit, we'll give you whatever you crazy fuckers want."
Whether it be reporter and hostage Jill Carroll or young honor student, Natalee Holloway, America just can't get enough white girls caught up in terrible situations. This strange fascination reveals itself in the plot 99% of all pornographic made in the United States.
Now before you get all up in my grill, don't tell me you haven't seen a movie involving an innocent, blonde-haired, white girl who gets caught up in all of the glitz and glamour of the big city. It is only after she opens up her trust that she has her flower and purity violated profusely by some dastardly fiend. Those movies don't work when the innocent girl is hispanic, black, or asian as it is strictly an American concept that white girls are fragile and innocent and how men are outraged when they aren't the ones doing the sexing or the killing.
1/18/2006
We called him 'Sir'
New York Knicks' unveiled their newest secret weapon, the 11' tall Antonio Davis. Davis' obscene height allowed him to make three point shots by stretching out and dropping basketballs into the hoop.
Unfortunately, in his first game against the Chicago Bulls, Davis went berzerk. Perhaps from the hormone or steroid therapy, Davis began to sniff at members of the Chicago Bull's team and eventually started taking large bites out of their flesh. Davis was ejected from the game after the incident and later had to be put down.
In memory of Antonio Davis: 1987-2006 (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)
1/12/2006
I'd like to read from a prepared statement, if I could...
Democrats have been getting up in my grill about right-to-die cases, presidential authority and ethics throughout the course of these hearings. I thought that I would take this opportunity to over some of my personal observations on such issues so that we are all on the same page at the start of day four.
*ahem*
When I, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, had my first abortion, back in the summer of 1976, I thought my life was over. It began as a dream come true — Jim and I had the perfect relationship; we talked about everything for hours, home, sports the future; it didn't matter about the subject. We were in love, and I felt like a princess. However, when I became pregnant, my fairy-tale relationship ended.
After my abortion, my relationship with Jim wasn't the same any more. Not a day goes by when I don't think about our baby and what he would have looked like. I have wondered about his talents. Would he have played basketball like his dad and his father or would he be a musician? Maybe he would even be a scientist or an abortion clinic bomber. The terrible truth is that I'll never know.
For this reason I disagree with the landmark 1973 Supreme Court decision, Roe v. Wade, that legalized abortion. Not because a conservative, white male, but because I know the damage that abortions can cause to a relationship first hand.
Now gentlemen; on with your questions. (AP Photos/Charles Dharapak)
1/11/2006
Yes, you, the person behind that afro-child in the front
President Bush, right, and first lady Laura Bush, middle, work feverishly to avoid eye contact with a black* student in Glen Burnie, MD, Monday, Jan. 9, 2006. Bush marked the fourth anniversary of the "4 Child Left Behind Act," by visiting North Glen Elementary, a suburban Baltimore school.
"We have a morals and obligations to make sure every child got a good education," Bush told a largely white audience in the school gym. "I want ta make sure that we challenge the failures of education and not to place blame on the ones in charge of cutting education spending by 1000 percent." (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)
* The term "African-American" is a label used exclusively by white people to make them feel more at ease and slightly noble. This is all part of my 'Down with crackaz and the cracka-talk dey speak' series of lectures.
1/10/2006
Father of LSD Celebrating 100th Birthday
Albert Hofmann, discoverer of LSD and former head of the research department of Swiss chemical company Sandoz turns 100 years young tomorrow. Hofmann was the first person to test the drug when a tiny amount of the substance seeped onto his finger during a repeat of the laboratory experiment* in April 1943.
"Everything I saw was distorted as in a warped mirror," he subsequently wrote, noting his surprise that LSD was able to produce "such a far-reaching, powerful, inebriated condition without leaving a hangover. [Ultimately] I was filled with an overwhelming fear that I would go crazy. I was transported to a different world, a different time, a place I couldn't comprehend.
Hofmann went on to state that "who would have guessed that taking LSD when I was 37 would be a window to what life is actually like for me at age 100; I'm totally confused, completely out of place, in a world that makes no sense to me whatsoever." (AP Photo/Keystone/Walter Bieri)
*Editor's Note: I tried to use this same excuse when I wound up in the police station after an LSD experience I had in college.
1/9/2006
Holy Frozen Fish Sticks, Batman!
Vice President Dick Cheney, foreground left, is driven by Karl Eberle, vice president and general manager of Gotham City operations, during a tour of Cheney's Penguin Ice Production & Frozen Fish Stick Distribution plant in Gotham City, USA., Friday, Jan. 6, 2006. After touring the plant, Cheney declared positive signs for defeating the Batman using his army of penguins armed with stinger missiles. "During this unseasonably cold weather pattern," Cheney pledged, "we will use all of our control over semi-marine life including polar bears and sea lions and to take down Ol' Bats. Wah wha wah wah wah wah wah." (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner)
1/6/2006
Sharon is on the roof
Vice Premier Ehud Olmert is house sitting for Omri Sharon -- feeding the cat, getting the mail, etc. Omri calls to check in. "I’m sorry," says the Vice Premier, "but your father died."
"What do you mean my father died? How could you do this to me? You should have prepared me for the shock," says Omri.
"How was I supposed to prepare you?" asks the Vice Premier.
"Well," says Omri, "first you should have told me, my father is on the roof, but don’t worry, we’re calling the fire department. Then the next time we talked you should have said, the fire department was doing everything it could and not to worry. Then the next time I called you can tell me that my father had fallen, but not to worry -- the doctors were doing everything she could to resuscitate him. Then, finally, you could have told me that my father had died."
"Sorry, I should have thought first" said the Vice Premier, who was quite embarrassed at this point.
"So anyway, how is the rest of the country?"
"Um," says the Vice Premier, "your country is on the roof...."
"What do you mean my father died? How could you do this to me? You should have prepared me for the shock," says Omri.
"How was I supposed to prepare you?" asks the Vice Premier.
"Well," says Omri, "first you should have told me, my father is on the roof, but don’t worry, we’re calling the fire department. Then the next time we talked you should have said, the fire department was doing everything it could and not to worry. Then the next time I called you can tell me that my father had fallen, but not to worry -- the doctors were doing everything she could to resuscitate him. Then, finally, you could have told me that my father had died."
"Sorry, I should have thought first" said the Vice Premier, who was quite embarrassed at this point.
"So anyway, how is the rest of the country?"
"Um," says the Vice Premier, "your country is on the roof...."
1/4/2006
Just because you understand something doesn't mean you understand it
Perception is not as realistic as it seems. The job of perception is not to give you an accurate view of the world but something that helps your survival. When you meet a bear in the forest, it's important to run the other way, but the precise position of the bear isn't critical.
So, when my boss tells me that the perception at work is that I am coming in at 10 and leaving at 2, well, he can just go fuck himself.
Chris Berman to play Jack Abramoff in ESPN's made for TV movie
Chris Berman prepares for a scene where his character, Jack Abramoff, arrives at the federal justice building in Miami just before he plead quilty to criminal charges stemming from the 2000 purchase of SunCruz Casinos.
We caught up with Berman after the scene and he told us that, "it isn't difficult for me to capture the complete lack of style of Jack 'Abraham-Lincoln-off. I just go rumblin-bumblin-stumblin through the Goodwill dump bins looking for styles that tippify my, I mean his, complete lack of personality. WOOP!" (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)
1/3/2006
Carmen Sandiego's Partner to be Sodomized Profusely
Carmen Sandiego is a thorn in the ACME Detective Agency's side. A brilliant globe-trotting thief, she learned all of her best tricks in her days as ACME's greatest operative. Now, she has a partner in crime who is no small time roustabout!
Jack Abramoff, the once-powerful lobbyist charged with federal conspiracy, tax evasion and mail fraud, agreeing to cooperate with prosecutors investigating influence peddling that has threatened powerful members of the U.S. Congress is once again up to no good!
Expand your kids' knowledge of world geography and federal misdemeanors as they travel to 50 countries, gather clues, and take guided tours through scrolling landscapes filled with music and money laundering. To solve cases or gather information for school assignments, a rich electronic database is included, featuring essays, spectacular color photos, and video clips from HBO's prison drama 'OZ'.(AP Photos/Gerald Herbert)
1/2/2006
I Have Become Utterly Unhireable
2006 is the year I become get out of this hole; either by hard work, or from atop a bell tower with a 50-caliber rifle.
Over the past seven years (and more-so over the last two) the company I work in has allowed me to completely shut my brain off. When I go on interviews, I wind up sounding like an over-eager Future Business Leaders of America moron who hasn't been in an actual business conversation in his lifetime. I am reaping the rewards of a tapestry sewn of sloth.
Apparently, being 'the most cynical bastard in the universe' has left me at an arms length from everyone who has left the company onto greener pastures. Instead of reading "Bringing comedy and Laughter into the Workplace," I should have instead gone with, "Corporate Ass-Kissery for the Talentless Hack." While it would have made me less approachable, it would have made me infinitely more promotable.
I have no plans of riding this wake of a company out to its conclusion. While I am here, I am now working to educate myself as much as possible so that when my next round of interviews pops up, I sound more like a laureate than Stan Laurel.
>sigh<
That rifle is looking more and more like a reasonable offer...
12/30/2005
NealBauer.com's First Video Podcast
The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.
James Baldwin
US author (1924 - 1987)
12/29/2005
A banana a day does a lot of shit
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose - combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proved that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
Here are some more banana facts for you to *grin* chew on *snicker*:
1. A banana can help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must for our daily diet. BOOYA!
2. Bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. Paxil and Zoloft can suck it!
3. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect a woman's mood during PMS. If a lady starts giving you guff, shove a banana in her mouth! BAM!
4. High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia. Don't believe me? Look it up fool!
5. This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. Fuck yeah!
6. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert. Knock Knock? Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana comin' to kick some knowledge in your brain pan, bitch!
7. High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives. SHIT YEAH!
8. One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system. You just got served a trifecta of hangover health remedies!
9. Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief, fatty. In your face Pept-old Bis-mold!
10. Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness. If your wife is hogging the toilet to herself durning a pregnancu, just shove a banana in her mouth (see PMS cure #3)!
11. Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system. Can't argue with science!
12. Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal. Smoking is for the weak, bananas will make you less of a weak person. TRUTH!
13. Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. These can be re-balanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack. I'd like to see a crappy ass orange do that kind of magic shit! IT JUST CAN'T! ORANGES ARE PWNED BY KING B!
14. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. Had enough, Mr. Apple? If you're dizzy maybe you should have a seat and eat a banana. IN YOUR FACE, NATURE'S OVARY!
That said, bananas are also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.
This concludes my PowerPoint presentation on Bananas and now I will open up the floor to answer some brief Q&A. Please note, if you have a latex allergy, check with your doctor before eating bananas. If you do have latex related issues, eating a banana could kill you.
12/28/2005
sigh<
12/27/2005
Flamboyant ampersand demonstrates destructive power of tsunami
If the pictures of devistation weren't enough to show the awesome wake of devistation left by 2004's earthquake-spawned tidal waves, this display features an ampersand from an entirely different font book to represent 'wind, waves, and wibbons of hope.'
When we told Sharkbot Badot, curator for the Notebaert Nature Museum, that the word 'ribbons' begins with an 'r' and not a 'w,' he told us to 'either buy something at the gift shop or get out.'
12/21/2005
I've got a headache 'THIS BIG'
Excedrin Headache #8008: Republican Rape Voting
Jeanine Pirro tries to listen during a State Senate hearing on Megan's Law for sexual predators, but with her head pounding she just can't pay attention. Pirro accidentally cast her vote in support of sexual predators which might adversely affect her challenge of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's 2006 re-election. (AP Photo/Bebeto Matthews File)
Excedrin Headache #666: No one cares about my well being
Saddam Hussein puts his hand to his head saying he had been beaten "everywhere on my body" by his American captors. The headache comes not from the beatings but from the irony of seeing your people swarm to the polls to vote for some other nut job while you are getting pummeled with sacks of oranges. (AP Photo/AP Television News/pool)
Excedrin Headache #911: Cher Loving Hispanics
Senate Judiciary chairman Sen. Arlen Specter met with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to discuss warrantless eavesdropping that President Bush approved without obtaining any court orders. "I tried to talk about the legality of it all, but all Gonzales could talk about was how pretty my curtains were and how he was totally into that new Elton John album," Specter said. "For crissakes that Gonzales guy is a total fag!" (AP Photo/Susan Walsh)
Excedrin Headache #5537: Big Easy Business as Usual
Police officers beat the 'ever-living-shit' out of Robert Davis on Conti Street near Bourbon Street in the French Quarter of New Orleans. Two of the officers videotaped and photographed by the Associated Press beating Davis stated that 'What the media failed to recognize is that the guy we were beating was black.' These two officers should expect to receieve Excedrin Headache #666 very soon. (AP Photo/Mel Evans)
12/20/2005
Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious
Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg rap about going to see The Chronic What?-cles of Narnia.
You could call us Aaron Burr, from the way we're droppin' Hamiltons
Brilliant.
You could call us Aaron Burr, from the way we're droppin' Hamiltons
Brilliant.
New York, New York, it's a helluva town...to walk around
New York transit workers walked off the job for the first time in 25 years, Tuesday, Dec. 20, 2005 in New York, affecting millions of people who rely on the bus and subway system each day. Personally, I blame the terrorists and 9/11...it's much easier than finding out what the actual problem is. (AP Photo/Dima Gavrysh.)
12/17/2005
Bush kicks American liberty in the nuts
After the White House got caught crapping all over our liberties, the White House took time out this morning to cover thier asses as best as they could. Didn't we shore all this 'spying on your own people' bullshit up after Nixon?
Even more impressive, in a 7 minute talk this morning, Bush mentioned "September the 11th" 7 times. I think even Al Bundy, from Married with Children, mentioned his 4 touchdowns in one game achievement less.
Simply retarded.
Even more impressive, in a 7 minute talk this morning, Bush mentioned "September the 11th" 7 times. I think even Al Bundy, from Married with Children, mentioned his 4 touchdowns in one game achievement less.
Simply retarded.
12/16/2005
Stern Fans Enjoy Last Day of Free Speech
Several thousand Iraqi Shiite Muslims take a west-facing break from voting to attend radio shock jock Howard Stern's last show. Many waved signs praising Stern and attacking the Federal Communications Commission. Officials at the event said, "it could take at least two weeks until final results are announced for the new, four-year parliament because all the complaints have to be investigated. Ba-ba-booie! Ba-ba-booie! Howard Stern! Howard Stern!" (AP Photo/Karim Kadim)
12/14/2005
Why does Santa smell like when mommy spills her perfume
Dear Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron,
Thank you for sending me your email all the way from Pittsburgh! HO!! Ho!! ho!! Did you know there are lots of elves in Pittsburgh? I hear they like visiting Pittsburgh because there's a special boy by the name of Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron that lives there! (*wink*).
Well tickle my whiskers, Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron! Are you fibbing to ol' Santa Claus?!? You can't possibly be 35 years old already! Why it seems like only yesterday that I was leaving presents for a certain little boy and here you are now, practically one of Santa's elves! (*grin*)
Sorry the presents the last little while probably haven't been quite as exciting as they were when you were a little boy but, well, you know how these things go (*wink*). Anyway, Santa's glad to see some of the 'older kids' (not to mention anyone in particular!) still take the time to write. I also hear you've been a sorta good boy. (Of course, you won't mind if I do a little checking, will you? HO!! Ho!! ho!!).
Let's see what you put in your letter for Christmas wishes: 1. time machine to go back and undo the badness; 2. whores a'plenty and; 3. pair of working legs to get you out of that wheely-chair of yours. May all your Christmas wishes come true!
Aha! You'd like a little extra spending money I see! Well, the elves had to stop printing money for me to give away when a nice police officer reminded me that is illegal! Lucky for me the police officer is a good friend but I don't give away money anymore! (Well, okay, I have been known to give some away out of my own pocket but don't tell Mrs. Claus! *wink*)
Yum! Smells like Mrs. Claus just pulled another batch of cookies out of the oven. HO!! Ho!! ho!! I'll bet she needs help eating them! Take care Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron and don't forget to come back and visit me here at EmailSanta.com on Christmas Eve!! And remember... only 11 more sleeps until Christmas!!
With All My Heart,
Santa Claus
P.S. Why thank you for the wonderful hugs & kisses Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron! Here are some extra special hugs and kisses just for you from everyone at the North Pole!
P.P.S. My Christmas wish is that I get through this shift without throwing up all down some kids back (*wink*).
12/13/2005
Hypocritical aside
I'm in the handicapped stall of the bathroom taking a category 5 dump. While in there I am making a series of cell phone calls to tell my friends jokes that are to raunchy to share while I am at my desk. Right in the middle of my joke about the 80 year old nun about to jerk off a monkey, one of the cleaning crew comes in to the restroom and says in terrible, broken English, 'Is dare anybudy in here?'
Totally pissed, I wipe my ass, close my cell phone and pull up my pants. Without even getting a chance to wash my hands I walk out of the restroom and confront the guy at his cleaning cart.
I grab the guy and yell right in his face, "I don't know where your from, but you're in America now and in America we have a little thing called fucking manners."
Totally pissed, I wipe my ass, close my cell phone and pull up my pants. Without even getting a chance to wash my hands I walk out of the restroom and confront the guy at his cleaning cart.
I grab the guy and yell right in his face, "I don't know where your from, but you're in America now and in America we have a little thing called fucking manners."
12/12/2005
The Flaming Red Soft Drink of the Old West
The year was 1881; President Garfield assassinated, Billy the Kid was about to be killed by 'Shootin' Sheriff Garrett and Firewater sets saloons ablaze from the shores of Missoura to plains of Missour-i-a.
Firewater rocketed to fame at the end of Reconstruction shortly after Rutherford B. Hayes made his famous "By God, or by Firewater, we must end federal efforts to protect the civil rights of African-Americans" speech. Saloons were knee deep in the deep red liquor and nearly took Sas’parilla off the map. Unfortunately, the original Firewater was made of Cinamon extract, Gasoline and the blood of Native Americans (once lovingly refered to as 'Injuns') which wound up blinding and fatally poisoning many of its users.
Flash forward to 1960; Firewater is now renamed Cherikee Red and given a less toxic set of ingredients. Made entirely of water, red food coloring, and sugar, this new 'Firewater' was a smash hit with children and bees. With Television sponsors like 'Howdy Doodat' (a very unsuccessful ripoff of 'Howdee Doodman' (which was a blatant ripoff of 'Howdy Doody')) and Cherikee Force Go-Go Cats, this drink saw a resurgance in suburban America. It would have been able to get a much stronger foothold if hospitals weren't flooded with thousands of cases of anaphylactic shock brought on by the innumerable bee stings that seemed to plague the drinkers of this sugary potent. The Cherikee Red phase brought about America's love affair with Killer Bee's in the 1970's.
The last stop on Firewater's crimson journey came in 1983 when the rights to the beverage were sold to Lucky Lukes Records and Soda Drink Distribution Co., Inc. Lucky Luke was a bit of a gambling man and he chose to replace the red food coloring with a cheaper red dye extract from Bocas Del Toro Province to bring some of the 'Fire' back into the syrup-sweet beverage.
The gamble failed to pay off for L.L. as the dye, that was purchased through enormous cost savings of $.01 a gallon, was actually the extract from ground up Red Poison Dart frogs. Anyone unfortunate enough to drink this concoction would be treated to a comical blood-red staining of the lips, mouth and esophagus. The enjoyment of the stain was short lived as the liquid wouldn't even reach the stomach before it began burning its way through your organs trying to obtain additional oxygen so it could continue to spread like a brush fire. Because the burning was a slow and intense process, the victim's death was quite agonizing and quickly became #3 on the 'worst way to die' list (pub. 1984)
The first shipment of Cherikee Red was responsible for killing 11,000 in the summer of 1983. The drink took one more life that fall when Lucky Luke shotgunned an entire six pack to escape the anguish of 11,000 voices screaming in his brain and any of lawsuits that would have invariably followed.
So there you have it; the rich and colorful history of a beverage that eased the tension of a race hating birth of a nation and caused countless deaths in people just wanting to quench their thirst during the fateful summer of 1983.
>> END COMMUNICATION <<
Firewater rocketed to fame at the end of Reconstruction shortly after Rutherford B. Hayes made his famous "By God, or by Firewater, we must end federal efforts to protect the civil rights of African-Americans" speech. Saloons were knee deep in the deep red liquor and nearly took Sas’parilla off the map. Unfortunately, the original Firewater was made of Cinamon extract, Gasoline and the blood of Native Americans (once lovingly refered to as 'Injuns') which wound up blinding and fatally poisoning many of its users.
Flash forward to 1960; Firewater is now renamed Cherikee Red and given a less toxic set of ingredients. Made entirely of water, red food coloring, and sugar, this new 'Firewater' was a smash hit with children and bees. With Television sponsors like 'Howdy Doodat' (a very unsuccessful ripoff of 'Howdee Doodman' (which was a blatant ripoff of 'Howdy Doody')) and Cherikee Force Go-Go Cats, this drink saw a resurgance in suburban America. It would have been able to get a much stronger foothold if hospitals weren't flooded with thousands of cases of anaphylactic shock brought on by the innumerable bee stings that seemed to plague the drinkers of this sugary potent. The Cherikee Red phase brought about America's love affair with Killer Bee's in the 1970's.
The last stop on Firewater's crimson journey came in 1983 when the rights to the beverage were sold to Lucky Lukes Records and Soda Drink Distribution Co., Inc. Lucky Luke was a bit of a gambling man and he chose to replace the red food coloring with a cheaper red dye extract from Bocas Del Toro Province to bring some of the 'Fire' back into the syrup-sweet beverage.
The gamble failed to pay off for L.L. as the dye, that was purchased through enormous cost savings of $.01 a gallon, was actually the extract from ground up Red Poison Dart frogs. Anyone unfortunate enough to drink this concoction would be treated to a comical blood-red staining of the lips, mouth and esophagus. The enjoyment of the stain was short lived as the liquid wouldn't even reach the stomach before it began burning its way through your organs trying to obtain additional oxygen so it could continue to spread like a brush fire. Because the burning was a slow and intense process, the victim's death was quite agonizing and quickly became #3 on the 'worst way to die' list (pub. 1984)
The first shipment of Cherikee Red was responsible for killing 11,000 in the summer of 1983. The drink took one more life that fall when Lucky Luke shotgunned an entire six pack to escape the anguish of 11,000 voices screaming in his brain and any of lawsuits that would have invariably followed.
So there you have it; the rich and colorful history of a beverage that eased the tension of a race hating birth of a nation and caused countless deaths in people just wanting to quench their thirst during the fateful summer of 1983.
>> END COMMUNICATION <<
Bush speaks in front of very tall, old-testiment-style curtains
PHILADELPHIA - President Bush gave a speech today in which he acknowledged that Iraqis have paid a heavy price - 30,000 dead - as a result of the U.S. led invasion and its bloody aftermath. But look at those curtains! Wow, those things take the curtain trifecta; stylish, glamorous and huge!
Bush explained his choice for backdrop by quoting from the Old Testiment, Exodus 26:2-14:
"The length of one curtain shall be thirty cubits, and the breadth of one curtain four cubits: and the eleven curtains shall be all of one measure. And thou shalt make fifty taches of gold, and couple the curtains together with the taches: and it shall be one tabernacle. And thou shalt make fifty loops on the edge of the one curtain that is outmost in the coupling, and fifty loops in the edge of the curtain which coupleth the second."
Bush continued, "And thou shalt make fifty taches of brass, and put the taches into the loops, and couple the tent together, that it may be one. And a cubit on the one side, and a cubit on the other side of that which remaineth in the length of the curtains of the tent, it shall hang over the sides of the tabernacle on this side and on that side, to cover it."
This just proves my point that Exodus 26:2-14 is a typological parallel and foreshadowing of God sending his servant Martha Stewart to instruct the world on the nuances and details of proper interior decorating.
Martha is a valid servant of the one true God because she fulfilled the prophecy which God outlined in Exodus 26.
Now don't come down on me if this analogy seems ridiculous. I'm just using the same proceedure that Matthew used to manufacture a prophecy fulfillment for Jesus.
Back to the Botany Bay for you!
At least six people were arrested and several injured in alcohol-fueled fights at Cronulla Beach in Sydney, Australia, Sunday, Dec. 11, 2005. Apparently, the ex-convicts of Austrailia got in a fight over what was to be considered 'a knife.'
Now, the guy being dragged off definitely has all of the markings of a wife-beating racist, but take a look at the cop to the right. He looks like a poster boy for Austrailia's renouned 'You Don't Want to Fuck With Me' Special Forces Brigade. (AP Photo/Rob Griffith)
12/8/2005
Be honest with me doc...
Patient: How bad is it?
Dr. Shmaharabeb: Well, remember that part of your body that gave you supreme power over women?
Patient: You mean my Moham-head?
Dr. Shmaharabeb: Yes, well...you see, it's right here in this dish, Sally.
12/7/2005
King of the jungle pwn3d!
In this image taken from video released by the Rome Bioparco Zoo on Wednesday, Dec. 7, 2005, Bellamy, a 13-year-n00b Asian lion, is seen under sedation during an operation to treat the lion's arthritis. Veterinarians have treated Bellamy for arthritis by inserting fifty 24-karat gold pellets into the animal's muscles.
Now, if the current treatment for arthritis is to inject the body with gold, I'd like to see who will be responsible for fielding the millions of requests from young, inner-city, aspiring DJ Rheumatitus' when the government starts funding this treatment. Plus, with all this gold circulating in the body, and no one able to see it, there will be an urban uprising to develop some type of invisible-skin that will eventually be tacked on to all post-gold-transplant surgeries.
Shortly after, future reality shows like 'Pimp My Eyes' and 'While You Were Out...During Sugery' and 'Trading Karats' will be on every five minutes on TLC, Discovery, and MTV 8 - the Ocho. (AP Photo/Rome Bioparco Zoo, ho)
12/6/2005
The Adventures of Cowboy Troy and the Red-Headed Robot
Taken from the novelette by Isaac Asimov, this is the tale of a red-headed robot who breaks free from the hard-wired/step-child programming and hooks up with afro-cowpoke (the buckle) and country singing superstar, Cowboy Troy.
The Judd-bot must abide by the three rules of her country music programming: 1) Neither by action or inaction is she allowed to see any harm come to one of those human being things; 2) Play that guitar and sing her butt off without the need of designer dresses and a hair and makeup team 3) By no account should the robot attempt to lose weight.
But I love bottom sea swimming!!!
Oh noes!
Instructions:
1. Click on the image to enlarge in a new window.
2. Have no the adult the child that look after with the old man prohibition against the next sea swimming.
3. Empress wine with the body
Instructions:
1. Click on the image to enlarge in a new window.
2. Have no the adult the child that look after with the old man prohibition against the next sea swimming.
3. Empress wine with the body
12/5/2005
You think this is scary? Just you wait, America!
According to my records, for every 1 girl born in China, there are 160 more new-born boys that came into the world. Now I know that China's National Census Statistics from 2000 show that it is more like 1:16, but, as my grandfather taught my years ago, you just can't trust those shifty bastards. Regardless of the true numbers, the problem is an infinitely greater danger for American's than you could ever imagine.
The traditional Chinese thinking that men are more valuable than women dominated the country for many centuries. Some rural people just dumped female infants outside orphanages, to be raised by Panda bears and the like. By my count, 99 percent of Chinese children adopted by foreigners are girls, and boys under the age of ten number in their millions more than girls the same age.
Here's the scary part for America. Our country has always made loose reference about how we would invade Canada if we ever needed lumber. Where do you think China will go when it needs women? Africa? Germany? Russia? Since the main export of those countries is ugly, you can just forget it!
Conversely, look at America's image that is being perpatrated by Pepsi's Britney (pre-white trash) Spears and Jessica (post boobs) Simpson. If the Chinese wanted women of the highest caliber, they need look no further than the U.S. of freaking A+ ladies. With all of our forces fighting in Iraq, our ladies are just sitting ducks waiting to be harvested by the Red Menace!
Laugh it up while you can. While you are sitting in front of your warm and fuzzy monitor, I'm spending my time intercepting messages from the Chinese who are sitting off shore in their submarines, waiting. Here was the last transmission that I pulled from AM frequency 620 just this afternoon:
Weow e coast girl are hip
I wilwee dig da style dey wea-ah
And de saw-dan girl wiff da way dey tawk
Dey knock me out whe I down nay-ah
De mid-way fahma’s daw-taw wilwee make you feew ah white
And de naw-dan girl wit de the way dey kiss
Dey keep dare boyfwends war at nigh
I wish dey all co be cow-e-fore-ya
I wish dey all co be cow-e-fore-ya
I wish dey all co be cow-e-fore-ya girl
Is that scarry enough for you, America?
12/3/2005
The scariest rollercoaster ever!
Saddam Hussein, front, Abdullah Kazim Ruwayyid, center, and Barzan Ibrahim sit in Cedar Point's newest attraction, 'The Baghdad Ball-Kicker' before their trial gets underway Wednesday Oct. 19, 2005. Saddam Hussein commented that, "[this coaster] is an awesome ride! It is the ultimate airtime machine in steel coasters, with lots of speed, height, hills, and laterals, all packaged together on one long smooth ride. I would give it a perfect 10/10 if there were a blade that came down and cut people's heads off periodically. You know, something for the adults as well as the kids." (AP Photo/Bob Strong, Pool )
12/2/2005
So your mother tells me you got a 'D' on your report card...
U.S. Marine Lance Cpl. Jose Murillo of Waltham, Massachusetts, who belongs to the 2nd Marine Division, shows his disappointment in little Hadji's declining school marks in Saadah, Iraq, Friday, Dec. 2, 2005. When asked why his grades had fallen so dramatically, Hadji claimed that it was because the wall that housed the blackboard 'went missing' after a mortar went off during Algebra and that their Social Studies books are being ripped from their hands and being rewritten every 16 seconds.
The Marine Corps issued the statement 'excuses are like assholes, everyone's got one and they all stink.' The USMC then threatened that if these grades didn't improve that they would have no choice but to blow up the TV stations and if Hadji didn't "straighten up and fly right" they would have to cut family food rations in half. (AP Photo/Jacob Silberberg)
12/1/2005
North Carolina man sets record by becoming 1,000th Person Executed in U.S. Since 1977
It's 11:59 PM, Raleigh, N.C., Wednesday, Nov. 29, 2005. Two hours before the big event. Already fans are in the stands, eyes on the injection station, waiting for number 1000, Kenneth Lee Boyd, double murderer.
I am the champion, my friend. And I'll be 1000 till the end.
After signing autographs, Boyd gave the crowd what it came for — jesturing and pantomiming a shot into his left left arm. Then another. And another. A sight to behold. Look at the fans’ faces—rapt, wondering, amazed, and satisfied. It's almost as if he's executing himself over and over in practice and the crowd is eating it up like it was Moons over My Hammy.
Has anyone seen my dignity? I had it here in my sleeping bag next to Mr. Wigglesworth last night.
Fans have remained here since Elias Hanna Syriani (#997 on the all time list) was put down back on November 18, 2005 for the 1990 murder of his wife with with a screwdriver. Syriani made several pleas to get his execution delayed so that he could have held the 1000 spot, including giving up his last meal to stay the inevitable, but it was not to be. People camped out over the Thanksgiving holiday to get themselves a good seat for this milestone execution. Some even wore costumes to show their spirit and joi de vie for the event.
"We wanted to wear something that showed our age."
As November began, Syriani, Randall Nance, even Hicks each had a chance. Their chase was packing fans into every prison and state-run injectory. "Whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better learn about executions," said Annie Cockledue, long time North Carolina resident and foam finger wearing fan of lethal injections. She continued, "we can’t look away, and don’t really want to."
In other tradgedies, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck celebrated the 1000th execution by welcoming the birth of their baby girl, 'Oops.'
As Kenneth Lee Boyd steps into the box, his image morphs from murderer into American icon. The sheriff on the empty street facing the bad guys; Lindbergh alone in the sky. Even Robert Redford, whose light-show home run in "The Natural," was more than a game winner. It was what we all seek one time or another: redemption. Syriani, Nance, Hicks, arm outstreched, waiting for the prick of the needle, face to face, man to man, and then they go.
Now serving 1001. Get in line to get your seat reserved! They're going faster than the Xbox 360.
ANNOUNCER: He sends the needle deep into his left! Back goes the eyes! Head to the pillow. He stiffens up! He’s got it, number 1000!
I am the champion, my friend. And I'll be 1000 till the end.
After signing autographs, Boyd gave the crowd what it came for — jesturing and pantomiming a shot into his left left arm. Then another. And another. A sight to behold. Look at the fans’ faces—rapt, wondering, amazed, and satisfied. It's almost as if he's executing himself over and over in practice and the crowd is eating it up like it was Moons over My Hammy.
Has anyone seen my dignity? I had it here in my sleeping bag next to Mr. Wigglesworth last night.
Fans have remained here since Elias Hanna Syriani (#997 on the all time list) was put down back on November 18, 2005 for the 1990 murder of his wife with with a screwdriver. Syriani made several pleas to get his execution delayed so that he could have held the 1000 spot, including giving up his last meal to stay the inevitable, but it was not to be. People camped out over the Thanksgiving holiday to get themselves a good seat for this milestone execution. Some even wore costumes to show their spirit and joi de vie for the event.
"We wanted to wear something that showed our age."
As November began, Syriani, Randall Nance, even Hicks each had a chance. Their chase was packing fans into every prison and state-run injectory. "Whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better learn about executions," said Annie Cockledue, long time North Carolina resident and foam finger wearing fan of lethal injections. She continued, "we can’t look away, and don’t really want to."
In other tradgedies, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck celebrated the 1000th execution by welcoming the birth of their baby girl, 'Oops.'
As Kenneth Lee Boyd steps into the box, his image morphs from murderer into American icon. The sheriff on the empty street facing the bad guys; Lindbergh alone in the sky. Even Robert Redford, whose light-show home run in "The Natural," was more than a game winner. It was what we all seek one time or another: redemption. Syriani, Nance, Hicks, arm outstreched, waiting for the prick of the needle, face to face, man to man, and then they go.
Now serving 1001. Get in line to get your seat reserved! They're going faster than the Xbox 360.
ANNOUNCER: He sends the needle deep into his left! Back goes the eyes! Head to the pillow. He stiffens up! He’s got it, number 1000!
11/30/2005
Daddy? What's a 'Gagorshun?'
"As an American white male, age 18-35, I've had several abortions in my lifetime. Having gone through the chuckle-fest that is the abortive experience, I am perfectly qualified to stand on my moral platform and protest against the abortion that is abortion."
My question to these people is; don't you have kids of your own somewhere that would welcome the energy and attention you are currently focusing on an issue that has no impact on you? I am often confused by parents that think their lofty soapbox and gia-normous bibles will be enough to teach your kids right and wrong. I've got a few words of advice for these people; put your signs face down on the ground, get a box of crayons and sit down with your kids and draw with them. Perhaps if these parents spent more time working, teaching and listening to their kids they wouldn't be getting seeds put in them at age 12.
Oh, and isn't today a work day? Getting a job would help too.
Editor's side note:
The third guy from the left is gay, the fourth one from the left is there to get laid, and the guy on the far right totally beats the shit out of his wife/girlfriends.
(AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)
11/29/2005
I'm not going to make it into work today...yeah...
I'm going to be eating my family over the next couple of days...yeah. (AP Photo/Joe Kafka)
Where has all the flour gone?
Mary Travers of Peter, Paul & Manatee, is shown outside her tank cleaning at the local aquarium where she gave her first interview out of water since August, 5, 2003. Mary, who, tragically, used to be quite thin and cute, will perform in a holiday concert Dec. 9, 2005, in Manhattan's Carnegie Hall. The show will is planned to have several intermissions to allow handlers to feed Mary her many buckets of krill, tripe and plankton. (AP Photo/Ron Edmonds)
11/28/2005
US Government begins new '4 child left behind' program
Assistant Superintendent Darryl Kilbert, left, leads a group of students out of Benjamin Franklin Elementary school in New Orleans, La., Monday, Nov. 28, 2005 which was the first step in launching George Bush's '4 Child Left Behind' program. The elementary school was the first public school to dismiss 4 children and the start of a much more reasonable, and more believable, government program than the 'No Child Left Behind' initiative that started a few years back.
President Bush praised the new program saying, "To say that no child would be left behind was a little pre-umptuous. I mean, our classrooms have about 40-45 childs in them already. To thinks that none of them would be left out, or left up, or behind was a careless 'sumption.' Bush continued, 'Each classroom will take four racially challenged children; black, hispanic, chinee, or french and have them stand in front of the school selling pencils to raise money for the other kids. It's a win/win for everybodies.'(AP Photo/Chuck Burton)
This ain't Your Grand Daddy's Black Sabbath....
Oh wait...it is. Yeah, this IS your grand daddy's Black Sabbath
11/27/2005
Scared Straight
Stanley Tookie Williams, Crips co-founder and convicted murderer, poses in an undated file photo (AP Photo/Courtesty of Williams Family, File), in the exercise yard at San Quentin, Calif. Prison. He looks like a such a nice boy.
The reason I show this photo is because on Friday Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he would consider granting clemency to this Stan the Man (killing machine). Now, I'm not a genious, but I sure hope 'clemency' means 'the chair' and not some silly way of saying 'you're free to go back to killing people on the streets again.' Let me just check my dictionary to find out that word means...
Oh...oh shit.
11/26/2005
In a recent study...
Iranian scientists have discovered that Israeli flags burn significantly faster than U.S. flags during a demonstration in front of one of Iran's newest hotel complex (erected in 1968). The demonstration came a week after Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called for Israel's eradication, saying the country should have been "wiped off the map by us, if only we had a technology that was greater than fire." (AP Photo/Vahid Salemi)
Editor's note: Iranian protests involve strikingly few braless hippies. As an American, I have to question, 'why protest if there is no possibility of smoking pot or getting laid?' These foreign savages have so much to learn from us, if only they would take a break from their grunting, volcano worshiping and cave painting to listen to reason...sigh.
11/25/2005
Why does Rainbow Six Lockdown suck so much?
If the Xbox Rainbow Six community didn't fall apart after the price dropped to $4.99 and every racist in the universe picked up this title to espouse their feelings on what 'N's' should do with their '50-calibur bananas,' then Ubi Soft is to blame for destroying whatever chance they had to bring civility back to this game of head shots and tea bagging.
Ding Chavez; deadly covert operative and H&R Block's (store #137115) October 2005 Employee of the Month. Way to go, Ding!
First, Ubi made sure to 'dumb this game up good' by eliminating any ability to communicate via a re-done command interface. Not stopping with that, they replaced the RS3 'inadvertently competent' squad AI with three idiots who have to have bus passes attached to their uniforms so they won't get lost. It doesn't make a difference because even if one of your men walked up to an enemy and put the barrel of the gun in his mouth, the enemy wouldn't even react to it. It gets better during the fire fights when 8 million bullets will fly haphazardly out of your squad's arsenal with A-Team like results.
Continuing down the spiral, graphically this game looks worse than the previous titles. In order to see anything, you must have your night vision on at all times as all environments are dark, bland, and brownish-blackgrey.
Strangely, since I couldn't find a bright screenshot, I had to try to replicate the scenes from the game using low-budget movie actors.
If people were outraged over the 50-caliber imbalance during deathmatches in Rainbow Six three and the 8 month delay that plagued this title, Ubi has guaranteed a complete dismissal of this series by their core fan base with an abortion like this. You are narrowing the gap with EA for who destroys more game franchises by squeezing as many SKU's as possible in the shortest amount of time, Ubi. Oh, which reminds me, we will be reviewing the newest Prince of Persia game of the week next Tuesday. Don't miss it!
Ding Chavez; deadly covert operative and H&R Block's (store #137115) October 2005 Employee of the Month. Way to go, Ding!
First, Ubi made sure to 'dumb this game up good' by eliminating any ability to communicate via a re-done command interface. Not stopping with that, they replaced the RS3 'inadvertently competent' squad AI with three idiots who have to have bus passes attached to their uniforms so they won't get lost. It doesn't make a difference because even if one of your men walked up to an enemy and put the barrel of the gun in his mouth, the enemy wouldn't even react to it. It gets better during the fire fights when 8 million bullets will fly haphazardly out of your squad's arsenal with A-Team like results.
Continuing down the spiral, graphically this game looks worse than the previous titles. In order to see anything, you must have your night vision on at all times as all environments are dark, bland, and brownish-blackgrey.
Strangely, since I couldn't find a bright screenshot, I had to try to replicate the scenes from the game using low-budget movie actors.
If people were outraged over the 50-caliber imbalance during deathmatches in Rainbow Six three and the 8 month delay that plagued this title, Ubi has guaranteed a complete dismissal of this series by their core fan base with an abortion like this. You are narrowing the gap with EA for who destroys more game franchises by squeezing as many SKU's as possible in the shortest amount of time, Ubi. Oh, which reminds me, we will be reviewing the newest Prince of Persia game of the week next Tuesday. Don't miss it!
11/24/2005
What kind of balls you got?
This crime stoppers billboard offering a cash reward for information on wanted suspect Michael A. Mitchell is shown, Thursday, Nov. 10, 2005, on I-75 in Cincinnati. The only issue is that this photo is actual size. Michael A. Mitchell, also known by his rapper name, 'Biggie-Talls Funk Murderiffic,'is 59 feet tall and hasn't had a hit record in 18 months so he's pretty pissed off. (AP Photo/Al Behrman)
Elton John stains intern's jacket
Singer Elton John, left, arrives for the 61st Annual Golden Globe Awards with his intern in tow, in Beverly Hills, Calif. John says it was a gauche gesture for his intern to continue wearing the trenchcoat after it was so recently painted. "What are you going to do," said John, "but I think it's going to be a long, long time before we play 'Rocket Man' before a big event again." (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian, FILE)
11/23/2005
For Thanksgiving, I think we may want to go to Richmond instead...
In another case of 'way to fuck it up for everyone, asshole,' a tanker truck carrying 8,700 gallons of gasoline burns after exploding on one of the busiest travel days of the year. Can you imagine being the people in the car behind this douche when it happened. The conversation in that car undoubtably was:
"GREAT! Just fucking fantastic! Y'know if we could have got out of the house 10 minutes earlier we would have missed all this! But nooooo! You had to curl your hair and check your stupid email before we left. Why did you have to curl your hair? It's fucking 4:30 in the morning! Look at me. I'm in sweatpants and my good Redskins jersey. Jezus! We live in Gaithersburg for crissakes, what could you be getting in your inbox that is so God damned important? Mary Kay orders? They'll be there when we got back tomorrow!
Damnit! Now I'm on fire too. When this holiday is over, we are seriously going to have a sit down to talk about how long it takes you to get ready before we go. FUCK!" (AP Photo/Peter Matthews)
11/22/2005
The Xbox 360 diet
If you are saving food stamps to get yourself an Xbox 360, you have got your priorities all wrong!
It's not worth starving to death to play Project Gotham on day one.
It's not worth starving to death to play Project Gotham on day one.
11/21/2005
Good team bests average team in football match
Horseshoe helmeted quarterback threw three 6 point goal throws on Sunday, setting up a 45-37 victory over the awe-struck team with orange helmets with the black stripes.
``He's unbelievable,'' said one teams player about another player on the opposite team. ``They're unbelievable.''
When you don't care about sports, this is exactly what this stuff sounds like. Fortuneately for me, I like sports and watching the Colts beat the Bengals is great news for us Steelers fans. Seeing that we can't seem to beat the hapless 2-7 Ravens on the road to save our fucking lives.
11/20/2005
Bush releases demon dog into press core
President Bush holds his demon dog, Barney, moments before releasing him into a crowd of reporters after stepping off Air Force One in Waco, Texas. No one survived the gore-filled incident. Bush is now looking forward to spending a quiet Thanksgiving weekend at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)
11/19/2005
Um....we really don't know what we're doing.
Italian rescue workers put on a demonstration in Florence, Italy, on what they would have done differently today to save Jesus Christ from his plight on the crucifix. "We first would-a got dis-a ladder," said Rescue Chief, Alstinka Fabrizio. "Den we would-a have to go and get a big-a one." (AP Photo/Giovannozzi)
11/18/2005
Let me get this straight; I won't be having sex with YOU, right?
A model of Fleissasaurus crystalis sits in front of the Comedy Central logo at the Sony Studios Museum of Natural History, Tuesday, Nov. 15, 2005, in Culver City, California. The prehistoric lizard, in front, is being described as an important link in the evolution of Humparies (aka bordellos) in Hollywood, CA. (AP Photo/Paul Skipper, File)
A wake for my dead-whore of a wife
Man carries dead wife's uterus around as a symbol of her infidelity. I could 'word' this entry up a bit more, but I'm lazy and just cared about the punchline anyway.
11/17/2005
You think your parents sucked?
Tasha Henderson, right, and her daughter, Coretha, left, pose for a photo outside their home in Edmond, Okla., Friday, Nov. 11, 2005, with the sign Coretha was forced to hold for an hour at a busy intersection so that passing motorists could read it. The 14-year-old freshman already has been forced by her parents to give up basketball and track because of slipping grades, and said she hopes to improve in school so she can play next year. FYI; the cutout section at the bottom of the sign read 'My mother is a total cunt.'(AP Photo)
11/16/2005
Hated!
Apparently, I've rubbed someone the wrong way. This was not my intention in the slightest. But if you want to start slapping me around with your church signs, perhaps you need a refresher from Cap'n Eiz-zen-stien:
pwn3d!
Dr. Dog is at it again
Bartholemu Hampton, also known as Dr. Dog, in his first public speech in more than a year, says the medical, religious, journalistic and legal communities won't stop him. "Pass any law you want, I don't care," said the 72-pound speckled Australian Shepherd. Dr. Dog, who has helped 33 people die since 1990, also denies claims that the last patient he aided wasn't really sick claiming that [the patient's] nose was totally bone dry and that he wasn't eating any of the dog food that was being served. The loveable scamp continued, "He wanted to die, you could see it in the way he would listfully throw the frisbee to me. It's sad to put a human down, but now I must excuse myself to lick my privates sterile."
Did you hear the one about you?
Well, ya see, it goes somethin' like this. So while you were out on day, one of the boys from your parish asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job."
Decon says, "You have sinned." Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what you would usually give for a blow job.
The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars." Heh heh heh.
Why ain't you laughin? That's a funny joke, so lighten up.
And the Presidential Physical Fitness Award goes to...
um...let's say we just cancel that program altogether, ok?
11/15/2005
I've got a million of 'em! Well...maybe just 3.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery. Oh, come on! You should get that one, it's about how your wives are fake and materialistic.
Alright, how about this then; why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off! What? That's a great joke! You need to be a little less serious and learn to take a joke once in a while.
Last one, and then I'll pass the mic to our M.C. Cheapass over here; why does a married J.A.P. close her eyes whilst she’s making love? Because she can’t stand to see her husband enjoying himself! G'night everybody!
Vie do dey alvays hav ta put me next ta da ones dat bomb? Oi!
11/14/2005
Let me tell YOU something, douchebag!
Do you think you can talk to me, The Rafael Palmeiro, like that? Well, who do you think you are, Judgey McFuck Face? When I say I didn't use steroids, I meant it! End of story! Now you're tellin' me because I've failed a test, you have proof that I have used steroids? So what? I'm a fucking Major League Baseball player; I've failed lots of tests! That doesn't prove anything, fool!
And what's with all this 'perjury' bullshit? What kind of pussy judgement is that, you pussy? Can't get me on a real charge, dink? Just bang your gavel and say 'Not Guilty' so I can go back to making millions hitting balls in tight pants for the public's amusment. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert, Files)
Script
I've finally begun this project and hope to be complete by the end of this year. As you can imagine, with only 40 days of work, it's not going to be Citizen Kane, but it will finish up the year for me in terms of creativity.
Wow, that may be my first 'Blog' in this entire blog. How gay.
11/13/2005
Ye Olde Resume of Cap'n e'Bay McFaggotron III
COVER LETTER:
Avast and Yo-Ho prospective employers! Me eBay business at sea rests in Davey Jones' locker and now I'ze lookin' for honest land lubber work t' quell t' hunger pains in me belly.
Arrrr, I ain't ate nothin' but barnicles for weeks and with me bein' all barnicle intollerant, me crew be about t' keel haul me t' me own yard arm!
Sincerely,
Cap'n eBay McFaggotron III
RESUME:
Objective:
As t' old pirate motto goes, "No prey, no pay!" In other words, by outsourcin' me marketin' arm, I wish t' be ensurin' that all marketin' expenses be clearly connected t' profits. Oh, and a little rape and pillage action wouldn't hurt, ya-harr.
Experience:
Software Pirate
The Pirates Cove, San Mateo, CA
Responsibilities:
- Rape, plunder and steal software
- Brag about me booty over a mug o' ale on t' chatboards o' World o' Warcraft
- Transport code t' BitTorrent Island!
Reason for leaving:
A pirate be never in one harbor for long. Also, I was caught chokin' t' bilge rat too many times in t' Pirate washroom. Yar.
-----
Pirate of the Carribean #257 (scene deleted)
Disney Studios, Hollywood, CA
Responsibilities:
- Wear Pirate clothin' while millin' about sayin' 'Arrrr'
- Stay away from Mr. Johnny Depp while he takes his 'crazy sleep'
- Brag about bein' Mr. Johnny Depp's 'cabin lad' on t' chatboards o' Everquest
Reason for leaving:
T' siren's call from t' briney deep, I could resist no more. Constantly tryin' t' sneak into bed with Mr. Johnny Depp while he took his 'crazy sleep.'
-----
Pirates "CannonBall" Waterslide Experience - Ticket Collector (summer 2001)
Land of Make Believe off of Route 31, Great Meadows, NJ
Responsibilities:
- Brag about someday bein' a 'real pirate' on t' chatboards o' Ultima Online
- Take tickets for six PounderBall slide
- Doubled productivity by becomin' a part-time breast inspector and cockswain
Reason for leaving:
T' waterslide experience be a cruel mistress, plus I was caught propositionin' a 13 year old lass. In me defense, a thirteen year old lass with wet hair looks strikin'ly like an 8 year old lad. It's a mistake anyone could make.
Education
T' Davy's Grip o' t' Deep Blue herself
Community College of Allegheny County
References
Powder Monkey Picaroon
pmp@gmail.com
Jack Tar Freebooter
jtfreeboot@hotmail.com
Holystone 'Hempen Halter' Salmagundi
blowmedown@gaypirateforhire.net
11/11/2005
I think this guy is hitting on me
A bleeding Vitali Klitschko, right, faces champion Lennox Lewis in the first 30 seconds of the first round of their WBC/IBO heavyweight championship bout. Lewis won the fight by TKO after the sixth round when a vulture landed on Vitali's shoulder and began to peck away at the remains of his eye socket. Vitali Klitschko retired because of injury and now plans to spend retirement stopping clocks with his face. Wednesday, Nov. 9, 2005. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)
Eureka!
In a Veterans Day speech, Bush offered a forceful solution of the war in Iraq, saying 'I am the central front in the war on terror.' He also went on to say, 'I underestimated the stupidity of the American public. I mean, who would have thought you would buy all that shit about extremists trying to establish a radical Muslim empires extending from Spain to Indonesia? You idiots deserve me!"
In other news, Arrested Development was cancelled, again, to make room for vaccuous shows like, 'Jim Bastille: Shark Humper' and 'Extreme Pelvic Breaking Stunts XI' and lets not forget 'CSI: Fart Squad.' (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)
11/9/2005
Your total will be $4752.60. Drive around to the first window, please.
We are The Global Obesity Institute; working to make gargantuan women a thing of the past.
Obesity is one of today’s most blatantly visible – yet most neglected – public health problems. We tend to poke at the people affected with this disorder with jokes like 'her mailbox says Home of the Whopper' or 'she eats Wheat Thicks.' This makes us feel better, but really doesn't help fix the problem of obesity, or why this woman's nickname undoubtedly is "DAMN!"
There is an escalating global epidemic of overweight and obesity – “globesity” – is taking over many parts of the world. If immediate action is not taken, millions of sexually active people will have to roll over twice to get off people like this. We must also take into consideration the cost of the train and two buses it takes just to get on the bitches good side.
Obesity is a complex condition, one with serious social and psychological dimensions, that affects virtually all socioeconomic groups. Many of these obese live in low income housing and don’t have a driveway in which iron their pants. Imagine waking up in sections every morning and then taking a half an hour to put on your BVD's until they are stretched out so much that they spell 'Boulevard.' Sometimes these people are so distraught that they can't even look at the scale when it says 'to be continued.' In 1995, there were an estimated 200 million obese adults worldwide who could go to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Generally, although men may have higher rates of overweight, women have higher rates of obesity related depression. For obese women; when they do fall in love they tend to break it which can have devastating psychological repercussions. Its health consequences range from increased risk of premature death to serious chronic conditions that reduce the overall quality of life. Including becoming the next Miss Arizona - class Battleship.
Obesity is one of today’s most blatantly visible – yet most neglected – public health problems. We tend to poke at the people affected with this disorder with jokes like 'her mailbox says Home of the Whopper' or 'she eats Wheat Thicks.' This makes us feel better, but really doesn't help fix the problem of obesity, or why this woman's nickname undoubtedly is "DAMN!"
There is an escalating global epidemic of overweight and obesity – “globesity” – is taking over many parts of the world. If immediate action is not taken, millions of sexually active people will have to roll over twice to get off people like this. We must also take into consideration the cost of the train and two buses it takes just to get on the bitches good side.
Obesity is a complex condition, one with serious social and psychological dimensions, that affects virtually all socioeconomic groups. Many of these obese live in low income housing and don’t have a driveway in which iron their pants. Imagine waking up in sections every morning and then taking a half an hour to put on your BVD's until they are stretched out so much that they spell 'Boulevard.' Sometimes these people are so distraught that they can't even look at the scale when it says 'to be continued.' In 1995, there were an estimated 200 million obese adults worldwide who could go to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Generally, although men may have higher rates of overweight, women have higher rates of obesity related depression. For obese women; when they do fall in love they tend to break it which can have devastating psychological repercussions. Its health consequences range from increased risk of premature death to serious chronic conditions that reduce the overall quality of life. Including becoming the next Miss Arizona - class Battleship.
11/8/2005
Terrell Owens says he's sorry for being such a dick...
TOO LATE, FOOL!
Philadelphia Eagles Terrell Owens with his agent Drew Rosenhaus at his side reads a statement to anyone left that will listen outside his Moorestown, N.J. home Tuesday, Nov. 8, 2005. Owens, hoping to overturn his dismissal from the Eagles, apologized to coach Andy Reid, quarterback Donovan McNabb, the team's owner and president, and fans. Unfortunately, the team was too busy losing games to pay attention. (AP Photo/Rusty Kennedy)
Philadelphia Eagles Terrell Owens with his agent Drew Rosenhaus at his side reads a statement to anyone left that will listen outside his Moorestown, N.J. home Tuesday, Nov. 8, 2005. Owens, hoping to overturn his dismissal from the Eagles, apologized to coach Andy Reid, quarterback Donovan McNabb, the team's owner and president, and fans. Unfortunately, the team was too busy losing games to pay attention. (AP Photo/Rusty Kennedy)
The French can make anything look gay
Firefighters team up to put out a fire using their giant hose at La Maison des Garçons, near northern France, early Tuesday Nov.8, 2005. In America, our fireMEN would have had this blaze quelched after a few moments, but President Jacques Chirac's passed the now regrettable 'Le Feu de la Passion' measure in 2002 which mandated all French-born fires should be given time to play hard to get until it's passion was in full force. (AP Photo)
11/7/2005
President Bush, you know he come to get down
President Bush was jammin' with Brazil's President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, during a joint news conference, at the "Ganja do Torto", in Brasilia, Sunday, Nov. 6, 2005. President Bush's mission was not to put down, but more to put hs foot down because he had got the flow where he grabbed his dick and said, "Oh My God, That's The Funky Shit."
The President then passed the mic to Ad Rock cause M.C.A. was in a Panic but not before he gave a little shout out to [his] "Dad and Mom for bringing me into this world and so on." (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)
Salim's success story
Salim Ahmed Hamdan is seen in this comparison photo which shows his weight just a few years ago (left) and how he looks today (right) thanks to his Guantanamo Bay diet. Hamdan said that he had tried everything, including Osama's 'War Crimes to Wellness' progam. "I was really depressed that I just couldn't keep the weight off," said Salim. "That was, until I struck weight-loss gold by being thrown into prison. It really works!"
Just give me one God damned excuse...
U.S. President Bush speaks during a joint press statement in Panama City on Monday, Nov. 7, 2005. Tired of the hostile world view of the U.S., Bush retailiated by pulling out a giant red button and saying, 'If you think I'm considered a blemish on history now, just keep it up! If y'all's not careful, I can turn in to one holy, mother-fucking gash on humanity.'(AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)
11/4/2005
Excuse me sir, where do I park my Prius?
Texas gubenatorial candidate Kinky Friedman, right, is joined by Jessie Ventura at Wille Nelson's ranch outside Austin, Texas in this Oct. 30, 2005 meeting of 'People You Don't Want to Fuck Around With,' sponsored by Jim Beam and Uncle Back Breaker's X-Tra Strong Billiard Cues.
I don't know if I like, or dislike, the Kinky/Jessie ticket, but I can only imagine watching the bar fight that would ensue if someone entered this place and said that cowboys were faggots or that women had rights to anything. (AP Photo/Jack Plunkett-File)
Further proof that George Bush hates black people...
AUDIO FILE: First it was the hurricanes, now a ban on Chicken? What's next? Offing Rosa Parks?
Oh...my...God...
11/3/2005
Your knees are fragile, protect them...
Knees are fragile joints that can turn on you in a moment. So don’t take them for granted.
The knees aren't built to withstand the impact, pressures, and torque that humans tend to apply to them. Our whole body is supported and propelled by a thigh bone sort of balanced on top of the lower leg bones, all of which is held in place by a few muscles, tendons and ligaments. When you are a girlish soccer poof like Ricardo Oliveira, from Brazil, one blade of grass out of place can have you crumpling to the ground completely ruining your soccer dress. That stain will never come out which is something he will really be crying about later that evening. (AP Photo/Bernat Armangue)
Knees are in fact the most frequently injured part of our bodies. Even layers of padding and a sheet of ice beneath you can't stop the pain or swelling that can occur for when you suck like Detroit Red Wings goalie Manny "The Big Pussy" Legace. He we see him laying on the ice during the first period in Detroit, Tuesday, Nov. 1, 2005. Legace left the ice under his own power and was given a wowwy-pop until his mommy could come down from the stands and give him a kiss and a Spongebob Squarepants band-aid to apply to his boo-boo. You've earned your nickname well, sir! (AP Photo/Paul Sancya)
Overuse injuries or strains sneak up on unwitting victims who do too much, too soon, too often, or just repeat the same activity too many times. Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger grimaces on the bench after running for so many yards and scoring countless touchdowns but was able to play through the game as gallons of life's rich fluid stained the field beneath him. Roethlisberger didn't miss one quarter of football after his knee was stapled back together on the sidelines. Football is not for the weak, just ask legendary homosexual Brian "the Boz" Bozworth. (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)
Well, I hope we cleared something up about the fragility of the human frame and how only big babies grab at their broken extremeties when the TV camera's are upon them. Even with the breadth of knee research coming down the pipeline, these joints will continue to explode into fragments like poorly mixed cement. It's how we show the pain which will be remembered in the annals of history. I mean, look at this baby pictured above. I bet he cried so much when his tibia snapped that members of his tribe just chose to bury him in his shame.
Actor Nicolas Cage, left, and director Oliver Stone are having a real 'blast' on the movie set of Stone's film about 9/11, in New York, Sunday, Oct. 30, 2005. Cage plays a Port Authority police officer who just can't seem to stop laughing over the human tradgedy that is terrorism.
Oliver Stone assured the families of the 9/11 bombings that '"there going to be love scenes and explodies throughout." Stone continued, "one thing is for certain, we are in the business of entertainment, not reverence, so expect to have a great time and a few laughs in your local theater next summer with my new film; 'Oliver Stone's: 9/11/2000 and fun'" (AP Photo/John Marshall Mantel)
We call him 'Tiny K.'
Samsung Electronics Co. Chief Executive Officer Yun Jong-yong speaks from inside his Habitrail about his ambitious set of goals for the company. He spoke of stronger scented cedar chips and a water bottle that is constantly being refilled with cool clean water.
Shortly after this photo was taken Jong-yong walked into the tinest, and cutest, little excercise wheel and ran around for what seemed like hours. (AP Photo/Lee Jin-man)
11/2/2005
In a recent study...
Iranian scientists have discovered that Israeli flags burn significantly faster than U.S. flags during a demonstration in front of one of Iran's newest hotel complex (erected in 1968). The demonstration came a week after Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called for Israel's eradication, saying the country should have been "wiped off the map by us, if only we had a technology that was greater than fire." (AP Photo/Vahid Salemi)
Editor's note: Iranian protests involve strikingly few braless hippies. As an American, I have to question, 'why protest if there is no possibility of smoking pot or getting laid?' These foreign savages have so much to learn from us, if only they would take a break from their grunting, volcano worshiping and cave painting to listen to reason...sigh.
11/1/2005
Should golfers be considered athletes?
Let's start here:
Main Entry: ath·lete 
Pronunciation: 'ath-"lEt, ÷'a-th&-"lEt
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin athleta, from Greek athlEtEs, from athlein to contend for a prize, from athlon prize, contest
: a person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility, or stamina
Trained; yes. Skilled; yes. In excercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength; um, not really. But this brings up a bigger issue; is golf really a sport at all? The sports prophet, Jim Rome said, "if you take the ball away, Golf is walking." Now, call me a purist, or call me a dick, but when you break sports down to it's core definition:
Main Entry: 1sport
Pronunciation: 'spOrt, 'sport
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, to divert, disport, short for disporten
intransitive senses
1 a : a source of diversion : RECREATION b : sexual play c (1) : physical activity engaged in for pleasure (2) : a particular activity (as an athletic game) so engaged in
2 a : PLEASANTRY, JEST b : often mean-spirited jesting : MOCKERY, DERISION
3 a : something tossed or driven about in or as if in play b : LAUGHINGSTOCK
What the hell? Is that really the definition for sport? Wow, that's not what I thought 'sport' was at all. If this truly is the definition provided by Websters then masturbation must be one of the highest eschelons of 'sport.'
A source of diversion? Recreation? Sexual play? Physical activity for pleasure? Tossed or driven about? This is the perfect description of a game centered around holes, balls, clubs and shanks.
Main Entry: ath·lete
Pronunciation: 'ath-"lEt, ÷'a-th&-"lEt
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin athleta, from Greek athlEtEs, from athlein to contend for a prize, from athlon prize, contest
: a person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility, or stamina
Trained; yes. Skilled; yes. In excercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength; um, not really. But this brings up a bigger issue; is golf really a sport at all? The sports prophet, Jim Rome said, "if you take the ball away, Golf is walking." Now, call me a purist, or call me a dick, but when you break sports down to it's core definition:
Main Entry: 1sport
Pronunciation: 'spOrt, 'sport
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, to divert, disport, short for disporten
intransitive senses
1 a : a source of diversion : RECREATION b : sexual play c (1) : physical activity engaged in for pleasure (2) : a particular activity (as an athletic game) so engaged in
2 a : PLEASANTRY, JEST b : often mean-spirited jesting : MOCKERY, DERISION
3 a : something tossed or driven about in or as if in play b : LAUGHINGSTOCK
What the hell? Is that really the definition for sport? Wow, that's not what I thought 'sport' was at all. If this truly is the definition provided by Websters then masturbation must be one of the highest eschelons of 'sport.'
A source of diversion? Recreation? Sexual play? Physical activity for pleasure? Tossed or driven about? This is the perfect description of a game centered around holes, balls, clubs and shanks.
Daunte Culpepper thanks God for sparing him another Vikings season
Head coach Mike Tice, right, attempts to join quarterback Daunte Culpepper (11) as he leaves the Minnesota Vikings for the season, Sunday Oct. 30, 2005. This is the third time in six seasons as Minnesota's starter that Culpepper has been saved from playing through a whole season.
Culpepper ran for an 18-yard gain, on the final play of the first quarter when he was hit by multiple defenders and was the recipient of a crippling knee injury. That run was not in vain as it was able to bring the Vikings rushing total for the 2005 season to 12 yards.
"If all you thought we sucked before this," Tice said, "you ain't seen nothin' yet.'' (AP Photo/Chuck Burton)
10/31/2005
Bush Nominates Jesus for Supreme Court
34 minutes ago
WASHINGTON - President Bush nominated our Lord and savior Jesus H. Christ for the Supreme Court Monday, seeking to reshape the judiciary and mollify conservatives who derailed his previous pick. Ready-to-rumble Democrats said Jesus may curb abortion rights and be "too radical for the American people." Drawing an unspoken contrast to failed nominee Harriet Miers, Bush declared that the appeals court judge "has more prior judicial experience than any Supreme Court nominee in more than 70 years." The president continued, "I don't know what the hell I was thinking with that Miers thing-a-doo. Man, I must have been totally wasted last month."
Tedy Bruschi has not fully recovered from 'asshole' surgery
Just 8 1/2 months earlier - and three days after his first Pro Bowl appearance - Bruschi had a mild stroke then underwent surgery for a hole in his heart. But on Sunday night he ignored ESPN commentator, Suzy Colbert, and ran like a prissy-dick into the locker room to have 'strength of character' and 'power of the human spirit' praise showered all over him.
Sorry to be such a jerk about it in this blog, but these guys are there for our amusement and socialogical study. When someone shoves a microphone in your face, you better start crying. That's what we pay you for, you douche!
Patriots, you suck.
10/29/2005
Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
North American bird smells a mate! Read all about it!
Turkey on turkey! Gravy's on the side! Extree! Extree!
Turkey-cock gobbler, gobbles turkey cock! Dingity doo! I'm yellin' at you! Extra!
Thanksgiving? Thanks gaving! Extra!
Gobble Gobble Gobble asks turkey on the knobble! Read all about it!
Turkey sucks president's dick! Extra! Extra!
10/28/2005
Warp factor fag
George Takei, who as helmsman Sulu steered the Starship Enterprise through three television seasons and six movies, has come out as a homosexual in the current issue of Frontiers, a biweekly Los Angeles magazine covering the gay and lesbian community.
Takei told The Associated Press on Thursday that he wanted to wait until James Doohan, (Mr. Scot) had passed as, "it would have killed him to know that he was accepting blow jobs from a homosexual man on the set." (AP Photo/Damian Dovarganes)
Bush to talk to God about why things are suckin' so much
Because God is no longer taking phone calls and personal prayers, President Bush begins climbing his official stairway to heaven to consult with our Lord and savior about why the US seems to be "sucking so much," Friday, Oct. 28, 2005. Bush is concerned about the fledgeling war on terrorism, rampant hurricanes, multiple party indictments, the rejection of his Supreme Court nominee, a polarized nation, and the Houston Astros losing every game of the World Series. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)
10/26/2005
Miers to return to home planet
President Bush listens as White House counsel Harriet Miers speaks from the Oval Office about her plans to return home to Sirius IV, in this Oct. 27, 2005 photo, in Washington. Miers withdrew her nomination to be a Supreme Court justice Thursday, Oct. 27, 2005, when it was discovered her true objective was to take Earth's water and harvest humans as food.
The president went on to assure America that her withdrawl had nothing to do with the stiff opposition, mounting criticism, and the fact that you, dear reader or I, dear writer, had more qualifications to be on the bench than she did. (AP Photo/Ron Edmonds, File)
The best thing is to let the Houston Astros die a natural death.
Chicago White Sox's Geoff Blum regretfully thanked Hitler for giving him the strength to defeat the jew-loving Houston Astros 7-5 in Game 3 of the World Series early Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2005, in Houston. The White Sox, named for their early 1900's rituals of placing white stockings over their head for pre-game lynchings, lead the best-of-seven games series 3-0 and have already begun heating up the ovens in preparation for the potential World Series winning celebrations. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)
Cheney loves to mug it up for the press
Vice President Dick Cheney shows his 'intolerance face' at the annual meeting of CIA Outters and Presidential Glee Club in this Oct. 5, 2005. Not shown, Cheney's rib tickling and completely tasteless impersonation of ex-president Clinton getting a blow job from ex-president Nixon. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson, File)
DMX's work boots show, surprisingly, little wear...
Rapper DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, pauses to take a dump as he leaves Queens criminal court in this Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005, in New York. DMX, who bears a striking resemblance to Lamont Sanford, faces 60 days in prison.
Sanford's son, Lamont Sanford
DMX plead guilty Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2005 to violating the conditions of his release, by gunning down fellow rapper, DJ Birdflu. The judge in the case criticized DMX by asking him 'what would your Great Aunt Elizabeth think, you big dummy.' (AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)
10/24/2005
Local man feels nothing about the sport he once used to think was 'just OK' to begin with
As Calgary Flames' Dion Phaneuf gets some air as he collides with Los Angeles Kings' Mattias Norstrom, local seat warmer, Jon Watelseyagot sits idly in his front row seat and wonders "I hope my DVR is recording Desperate Housewives for my wife." Mr. Watelseyagot's mind continued to ramble "if I miss out on recording another episode of that boring-ass show, I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it."
When asked by a local stadium vendor if he would like peanuts or popcorn, he looked absently towards the merchant and said, "Neither. But if you had an gun on you I wouldn't mind taking the opportunity to show my teeth what the back of my head looks like." Mr. Watelseyagot then mechanically went back to daydreaming about what he watched with his wife on 'Sex and the City.' (AP Photo/Danny Moloshok)
Houston Pitcher Feels 'Just Terrible'
Houston Astros pitcher Brad Lidge, bottom, feels 'just terrible' about throwing his now regrettable 'slow-right-over-home-plate-giving-the-ball-the-illusion-of-being-the-size-of-a beachball' pitch in the bottom of the ninth inning for a 7-6 win in Game 2 of the World Series Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005, in Chicago. After the game Lidge lamented, 'what really steamed my vegies is that the umpires got into the celebration.' Lidge then excused himself to fashion a makeshift noose out of his shoestrings before entering the locker room. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)
Kicker punks ball holder! BOOYA!
Detroit Lions' Nick Harris did not expect kicker Jason Hanson (4) to punch him squarely in the testicles following his game-winning 50-yard field goal in the fourth quarter Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005, in Cleveland. "I guess I sorta asked for it," said Harris, holding a back of ice on his nether region "moments earlier I had commented that 'being a kicker and having the last name Hanson qualified him to be a total super fag.'" (AP Photo/Tom Puskar)
10/21/2005
The Dangers of Viagra
Workers from Pfizer quickly work to load a man with an emu shaped penis into a temporary holding facility on Thursday, Oct. 20, 2005. A spokesperson from Pfizer stated Wednesday that, "this grotesque anomaly is not a common side effect of the drug and that users of Viagra have had great success in achieving blindness...I mean boners."
I'm 14 years old, sonny...I mean, j00 r0x0rz
"How about we 23 skiddoo it down to the local sarsaparilla shoppe for a phosphate?"
While that is the conversation you'd expect, it was hardly the case with local assisted living resident, Emma Wogajew. Using the name "OlGrL14," Wogajew phished the 'Young Goths for Jesus' chatroom to 'intentially soil the minds' of children. The Bluefish Retirement Center's IT department intercepted her racially charged chat room conversation on Thursday, Oct. 20, 2005.
OlGrL14: what nat are you?
r3zn0r_rox: mexican
r3zn0r_rox: you like mexicans?
OlGrL14: eww
OlGrL14: sorry
r3zn0r_rox: why?
OlGrL14: cholloz
OlGrL14: pUhaHAa
r3zn0r_rox: we got big ones
OlGrL14: they start shit wit us
r3zn0r_rox: we good too
r3zn0r_rox: what shit?
OlGrL14: uh huh
r3zn0r_rox: what u talking about?
OlGrL14: alwayz trying to fight
OlGrL14: with koREans
OlGrL14: but they alwayz get their azz beat down anywayz
r3zn0r_rox: fight about what?
OlGrL14: juss fight cuz they thinki they so hard
OlGrL14: always want to rumble with us
r3zn0r_rox: don't korean girls love mexicans?
OlGrL14: fuQ no
Charges were dropped, however, when investigators found out that 'r3zn0r_rox' was actually local resident Albert Stringem (79) who was sitting two terminals over from Ms. Wogajew. (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)
While that is the conversation you'd expect, it was hardly the case with local assisted living resident, Emma Wogajew. Using the name "OlGrL14," Wogajew phished the 'Young Goths for Jesus' chatroom to 'intentially soil the minds' of children. The Bluefish Retirement Center's IT department intercepted her racially charged chat room conversation on Thursday, Oct. 20, 2005.
OlGrL14: what nat are you?
r3zn0r_rox: mexican
r3zn0r_rox: you like mexicans?
OlGrL14: eww
OlGrL14: sorry
r3zn0r_rox: why?
OlGrL14: cholloz
OlGrL14: pUhaHAa
r3zn0r_rox: we got big ones
OlGrL14: they start shit wit us
r3zn0r_rox: we good too
r3zn0r_rox: what shit?
OlGrL14: uh huh
r3zn0r_rox: what u talking about?
OlGrL14: alwayz trying to fight
OlGrL14: with koREans
OlGrL14: but they alwayz get their azz beat down anywayz
r3zn0r_rox: fight about what?
OlGrL14: juss fight cuz they thinki they so hard
OlGrL14: always want to rumble with us
r3zn0r_rox: don't korean girls love mexicans?
OlGrL14: fuQ no
Charges were dropped, however, when investigators found out that 'r3zn0r_rox' was actually local resident Albert Stringem (79) who was sitting two terminals over from Ms. Wogajew. (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)
10/20/2005
So he did wear a wire!
Recent advances in digital enhancing technology reveal that U.S. President Bush was wearing an earpiece during last fall's debates with Senator Jim Kerry (it was Jim, right...John? John Kerry? Wow, how soon you forget, huh?). "I knew it" stated Francesca Crateral, who runs the website 'www.BushWasWiredInTheDebatesWhyCan'tAllOfYouSeeThis.org.' "This is a big win for us and should show America he's not fit to be president."
Unfortunately, we had to inform Ms Crateral that Bush was, and has been President since November 2004. Dispondant, she turned away from our interview and went back to watching 'In Search Of: Big Foot' on her 10" kitchen television. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)
Soccer is gay...PERIOD!
Now that hockey is back in business, I can officially state to the US and the world that soccer is gay. Not just gay; Super Gay!
Seriously, when I express this viewpoint, I always seem to get the arguement, 'I'd like to see you run up and down that field for three hours and then call those people fags.' Well, I'm not calling them 'fags,' but I am calling soccer a sport for ultra fags. If these 'players' choose to remain in this sport, then so be it.
Soccer is full of girls that cry over cherry burns and fall apart at the sign of a red card. I remember watching a football game where the quarterback's leg splintered like a piece of kiln-dried bamboo and he didn't cry about it. He made the official fashion a make-shift splint from the legs of the opposing team's bench and went on to throw a 60 yard touchdown pass three plays later. That's a man.
Not this! Holy crap! This is as gay as a day in May!
I was in the UK and was invited to a football game. Imagine my amazement when I saw not a bunch of grizzled men banging against each other, but a group of little boys in short pants frantically trying to get their bangers in eachother's mouths! Disgraceful!
As a father, and a man, and an American, I can honestly say that my daughter isn't going to be brought up around a bunch of perverted, ball kicking, Queen Mary's that prance about on a field that was meant for good, ol fashioned, man banging football.
10/19/2005
How do you think it feels?
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, repeatedly karate-chopped himself in the testicles after being asked how it felt to lose a 4 billion dollars on the original Xbox at the "Mastermind" conference held at the Gartner Symposium in Orlando, Fla., Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2005. (AP Photo/Bill Perry)
Ars Technica, I think I love you...
Where do I begin? Well, how about with, "Thank you Ars Technica and, more importantly, Ben Kuchera, for posting a link to this auction on your site."
Good lord, with their assistance, the auction has shot past 20,000 viewers and my site has seen record traffic numbers. Even the advertising on Fark I did over the summer hasn't yielded the amount of traffic I have received from my link on Ars Technica. Simply incredible and I can't thank you all enough.
Neal Bauer
a.k.a. Lieutenant Awesome McSuperBalls Jr.
The scarriest rollercoaster ever!
Saddam Hussein, front, Abdullah Kazim Ruwayyid, center, and Barzan Ibrahim sit in Cedar Point's newest attraction, 'The Baghdad Ball-Kicker' before their trial gets underway Wednesday Oct. 19, 2005. Saddam Hussein commented that, "[this coaster] is an awesome ride! It is the ultimate airtime machine in steel coasters, with lots of speed, height, hills, and laterals, all packaged together on one long smooth ride. I would give it a perfect 10/10 if there were a blade that came down and cut people's heads off periodically. You know, something for the adults as well as the kids." (AP Photo/Bob Strong, Pool )
Mommy, make the bad man stop!
Comedian Jerry Lewis poses backstage after being honored with the Governor's Award at the Creative Emmy Awards in this Sunday, Sept. 11, 2005 file photo. Lewis' latest role has him playing the part of an infected zombie that refuses to die in the Universal Studio's feature 'Doom' which will be in theaters this Friday. (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian, FILE)
Ashlee starting to looking more and more un-fuckable
This photo supplied by ABC shows Ashlee Simpson staring at a plate of Bavarian Creme filled donuts (off camera) while performing live as part of the Women Rule Concert series on ABC's "Good Morning America" in New York Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2005. She is promoting her album, "I Am Me and Not My Sister" which hits stores Tuesday. The album is expected to be in the $.99 dump bins by Friday. (AP Photo/ABC,Heidi Gutman)
10/18/2005
DJ Birdflu looks over tonight's playlist
DJ Bird Flu and his sidekick Passenger Shotgun Frontseatenstien sit in their rented Uhaul before their concert in downtown Harrisburg, Tuesday Oct. 18 2005. This will be DJ Bird Flu's first tour since his number one song 'Brown cloud; Air Pollution is for Sucka Chumps' hit number 73 in the charts last month.
"We're looking forward to getting our message out about, Power generation, vehicle emissions, incineration, industrial effluents, smog, acid rain, feral dogs and cats, agricultural chemicals, pesticides, fungicides, herbicides, insecticides, radon, poverty, civic responsibility, cultural identity assimilation, overconsumption, alternative energy sources, urban renewal, Natural Habitats and Endangered species preservation, Noise Pollution, recycling, fishery and wildlife management, fossil fuels, water supply and conservation. We are also looking forward to getting laid...a lot." The dynamic rapping duo then left their Uhaul running for a half an hour while they unloaded box after box of gold chains before double-parking in front of the concert hall. (AP Photo/Srdjan Ilic)
10/17/2005
Ears boxed!
Columbus Blue Jackets' Francois Beauchminachov, left, takes a shot to the head from Los Angeles Kings Tom Kostopoulosovichatrov during a fight over who had the more rediculously long last name, Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Matt A. Brown)
Lehigh University biochemistry professor to speak on behalf of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Lehigh University biochemistry professor Michael Behe is scheduled to testify Monday Oct. 17, 2005 in a landmark trial in Harrisburg that will determine whether a school district can insert a reference to intelligent design in its biology curriculum. Unfortunately, the Professor rolled a '1' on Charisma so he will have to wear that shirt when he testitifes. Let's hope for our sake he has a +3 voice of influence under his enchanted Cloak of Persuasion. (AP Photo/Rick Smith)
10/16/2005
Saddam can't believe his fuckin' ears!
Nearly two years after his capture, Saddam Hussein is finally facing trial for alleged crimes against fellow Iraqis including:
1) Invade a sovereign foreign nation on entirely specious grounds.
2) The decision to deploy chemical weapons in Fallujah.
3) Authorizing torture of POW's - a direct violation of the protocols of the Geneva Convention.
4) Holding so called "non-combatant civilians" for an indefinite period of time depriving them access to counsel and acess to family members who could plead their cause to the public.
5) Kidnapping "terror suspects" and sending them to countries like Uzbekistan who boil these untried unconvicted people alive.
6) Engaging in a massive voter suppression campaign to secure a second term by fraudulent means.
7) Covering up the involvement of Mossad in 9/11.
8) Engaging in a sytematic campaign of depriving political dissidents of their 1st ammendment rights.
9) Conspiring to rig the vote count and covering up the latter by passing legislation to prevent post-election examination of voting machines.
10) Illegally transferring $700 million from the budget for the war in Afghanistan for war preparations in Iraq in July 2002, without Congressional Approval...Wait a minute...this isn't the right list...
10/14/2005
Ye Olde Resume of Cap'n e'Bay McFaggotron III
COVER LETTER:
Avast and Yo-Ho prospective employers! Me eBay business at sea rests in Davey Jones' locker and now I'ze lookin' for honest land lubber work t' quell t' hunger pains in me belly.
Arrrr, I ain't ate nothin' but barnicles for weeks and with me bein' all barnicle intollerant, me crew be about t' keel haul me t' me own yard arm!
Sincerely,
Cap'n eBay McFaggotron III
RESUME:
Objective:
As t' old pirate motto goes, "No prey, no pay!" In other words, by outsourcin' me marketin' arm, I wish t' be ensurin' that all marketin' expenses be clearly connected t' profits. Oh, and a little rape and pillage action wouldn't hurt, ya-harr.
Experience:
Software Pirate
The Pirates Cove, San Mateo, CA
Responsibilities:
- Rape, plunder and steal software
- Brag about me booty over a mug o' ale on t' chatboards o' World o' Warcraft
- Transport code t' BitTorrent Island!
Reason for leaving:
A pirate be never in one harbor for long. Also, I was caught chokin' t' bilge rat too many times in t' Pirate washroom. Yar.
-----
Pirate of the Carribean #257 (scene deleted)
Disney Studios, Hollywood, CA
Responsibilities:
- Wear Pirate clothin' while millin' about sayin' 'Arrrr'
- Stay away from Mr. Johnny Depp while he takes his 'crazy sleep'
- Brag about bein' Mr. Johnny Depp's 'cabin lad' on t' chatboards o' Everquest
Reason for leaving:
T' siren's call from t' briney deep, I could resist no more. Constantly tryin' t' sneak into bed with Mr. Johnny Depp while he took his 'crazy sleep.'
-----
Pirates "CannonBall" Waterslide Experience - Ticket Collector (summer 2001)
Land of Make Believe off of Route 31, Great Meadows, NJ
Responsibilities:
- Brag about someday bein' a 'real pirate' on t' chatboards o' Ultima Online
- Take tickets for six PounderBall slide
- Doubled productivity by becomin' a part-time breast inspector and cockswain
Reason for leaving:
T' waterslide experience be a cruel mistress, plus I was caught propositionin' a 13 year old lass. In me defense, a thirteen year old lass with wet hair looks strikin'ly like an 8 year old lad. It's a mistake anyone could make.
Education
T' Davy's Grip o' t' Deep Blue herself
Community College of Allegheny County
References
Powder Monkey Picaroon
pmp@gmail.com
Jack Tar Freebooter
jtfreeboot@hotmail.com
Holystone 'Hempen Halter' Salmagundi
blowmedown@gaypirateforhire.net
10/13/2005
Billions feared dead by 'passage of time'
It's a chilling thought, but all of these people used to be alive. Some were shop owners, others were prostitutes, many were children of the Lord Jesus Christ. All of them now have one thing in common; none could escape this mortal coil alive.
"Death awaits us all," says local goth, Ian Soverigay. "I only wish I could be a vampire so that I could live forever," he continued. When we asked him how he would make the world a better place by staying alive indefinitely, he threw his cape over his shoulder and drove away in his 1993 Ford Escort.
10/12/2005
The Fucktard family welcomes their 16th non-aborted baby
In this photo we see the Fucktard children and their father Jim Bob Fucktard, top center, as they gather around their fertile and unchecked mother Michelle. Mrs. Fucktard holds the 16th addition to the family Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005, at St. Mary's Hospital in Rogers Ark. The girl Johannah was born Oct. 11, at the hospital and should look forward to a life fraught with nominal living space and occasional bouts of starvation. Local residents of an already overcrowded Earth sent the Fucktards this message; "Thanks a lot you selfish, breeding assholes." (AP Photo/Discovery Health Channel, Spencer Tirey)
10/11/2005
Local man hopes to not get fired
Wearing a hard hat and holding a hammer, Reemish McApplebright fears losing his job because of his similar appearance to President George Bush, in Covington, La., Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005. "The president's been accused of doing such a terrible job that it is starting to sway the perception of my foreman," stated Reemish. "I can't even use the Honey Bucket without everyone telling me not to 'Hurricane Katrina-up the John.'" (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)
10/10/2005
Three Indicted In NYC Terror Plot
Three men with suspected terrorism ties, already in Bronx custody, were charged Tuesday with a years-long record of attacking New York Socialites and other East Coast store fronts, leaving a trail of devastation in their wake. The suspected terrorist leader, 'Moe' (short for Mohamed, as in Mohamed Atta, the key figure behind the 9-11 attacks, issued a statement yesterday saying, "We was framed. We's a victim of circumstance."
A four-hundred-count indictment returned by a New York City grand jury alleges the men, all Brooklyn citizens, visited and conducted a series of terrorist attacks on local businesses and surrounding neighborhoods between August 1930 and April 1974. Ex-mayor Rudolph Giuliani stated, "These attacks covered all professions and spanned every economic class. Rich or poor, doctor or plumber, fireman or door-to-door sales person; these three would attack and dismantle each of these operations, leaving ruins for their victims."
Their latest plot was foiled when Prof. J.O. Dunkfeather dropped his pants off for dry cleaning two weeks ago. When he came back to claim his merchandise, he found one of the terrorists wedged in a pants pressing machine with iron marks on his forehead and rectal area. Another of the suspected was rubbing a pair of pants with shoe polish while Moe, the leader of the group ripped large chunks of hair out of his [Larry’s] head. Bronx authorities were alerted and arrested the three men on terrorism-related charges, Deputy Attorney General James B. Comey said.
The grand jury returned the indictment on March 23 but it was unsealed only Tuesday. Named in it are Mohomed Howard (Moe), 113, Nadeem (Larry) Tarmohammed, 116, and Qaisar 'Curly' Shaffi, 121. They could receive life sentences if convicted of the most serious charge, conspiracy to use weapons of mass destruction in the United States. The indictment lists those weapons as improvised explosive devices using gas stations and bombs hidden in cream filled pies.
U.S. officials claim the group has cycled other terrorists through its organization over the years including Shemp Barot, a senior al-Qaida figure, and Abu 'Joe', Eisa al-Curly-Joe DeRita.
Prosecutors in the courtroom accused the three of terrorist activity. When asked by the court bailiff, "Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" Curly remained silent. When asked why he wouldn't answer, Curly stated, "He's talkin' pig latin! I don't know what he's sayin'!" When the bailiff restated the question, "He's asking you if you swear...," Curly uttered the indignant response, "No! But I know all the woids!"
The court broke down when, without council, Moe shoved Curly's head into a letterpress during his testimony. Moe then held a baton and played a mouth harmonica, which Curly made him accidentally swallow when he said, "That was sure HOT Moe!" and slapped him on the back.
"They are indicted here and whether or not they actually ever are extradited here I guess is a matter of discussion," said New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly. "But I think it's important, both substantively and symbolically important, that you come here, you do these type of shenanegans, we're not going to forget. No matter how much you say 'woop woop woop'"
White House spokesman Scott McClellan, speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One as President Bush returned to Washington from his ranch in Texas, called the indictments "another significant step in the global war on terrorism."
"We're going to continue to go after and pursue those who seek to do us harm and those who seek to do harm to the civilized world," McClellan said "This indictment will also serve as a warning to the terrorist cells Ali and Chipmunks and the fopishly oafish, but no less dangerous, Laurel and Hindi bastards."
10/8/2005
Construction Begins and Ends on G.W. Bush Airport
On September 25th, Hurrican Katrina broke ground on Lousiana's newest Airport; The G.W. Bush Landing Strip and Car Parkery. The land for this airport was taken over by the U.S. Government on September 28th and the airstrip welcomed it's first commuter plane on October 7th, 2005. All 230 people on board were killed.
10/7/2005
C.U.N.T. Squad
U.S. Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers walks a tough beat on Capitol Hill. She's one tough gorilla cookie with a heart of gold. Her job; kick ass and clean up this 'shits-burg' we call America. With the help of her assistants Lez Bo-Joe Dikemunch and 'Styleless' Jane Facestopaclock, this team is a force to be reconed with.
Don't try to use your charm with these ladies as you'll only be wasting your time with...The C.U.N.T. Squad!
10/6/2005
Isn't this what all those Peter Gabriel songs were about?
I'm not saying that I have all the answers. Because I was educated in the American Public School system, I know very little about anything when it comes to politics and the world. Shit, I'm lucky if I can name all 42 states (Delaware's a state? No way! Get aht! Dere's no states called Delawares).
What I do know is that torturing people is pretty wrong and that if someone asked me if taking a pair of rusty hedge clippers to cut someone's Achilles tendon was something a civilized people would do, I'd say no way. In fact, I'd go as far to say, no fucking way.
The funny thing is the Senate has voted to back an amendment that would prohibit the use of "cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment" against anyone in U.S. government custody, regardless of where they are held. The vote ended 90/9 with 90 wishing to prohibit inhuman punishment and 9 saying, 'let's not be too hasty with the torture-elimination, boys.'
Now, being that I'm from the US, someone needs to check my math, but isn't that 10% of the Senate saying 'sure, drill holes in their teeth, apply pliers to their testicles and make sure to give them plenty of paper cuts to that piece of skin under the tongue?' Who are these 9 people that voted against this and why doesn't that raise a red flag somewhere?
Well, if no one will balk at this kind of activity, then I will just have to welcome our evil, torture validating overlords.
What I do know is that torturing people is pretty wrong and that if someone asked me if taking a pair of rusty hedge clippers to cut someone's Achilles tendon was something a civilized people would do, I'd say no way. In fact, I'd go as far to say, no fucking way.
The funny thing is the Senate has voted to back an amendment that would prohibit the use of "cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment" against anyone in U.S. government custody, regardless of where they are held. The vote ended 90/9 with 90 wishing to prohibit inhuman punishment and 9 saying, 'let's not be too hasty with the torture-elimination, boys.'
Now, being that I'm from the US, someone needs to check my math, but isn't that 10% of the Senate saying 'sure, drill holes in their teeth, apply pliers to their testicles and make sure to give them plenty of paper cuts to that piece of skin under the tongue?' Who are these 9 people that voted against this and why doesn't that raise a red flag somewhere?
Well, if no one will balk at this kind of activity, then I will just have to welcome our evil, torture validating overlords.
10/5/2005
Mick Jagger and why Pittsburgh is better than Cleveland
My sister, who works in the Phipps Conservatory and Botanical Gardens in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania has had the honor and privilege to escort a Mr. Mick Jagger around the compound.
I state this for two reasons; one, to brag on my sister's behalf, and two, to say that there are things that even cultured, world-renowned, leather-faced, artsy-types can do in beautiful downtown Pittsburgh.
Phipps Conservatory and Botanical Gardens is among the nation's oldest and largest Victorian glasshouse featuring lush tropical plants, palms, orchids and a miniature orchid collection, ferns and succulent plants, seasonal flower shows and butterflies. Phipps Garden Center conducts environmental programs, ranging from introductory and informal courses to structured programs for avid gardeners and horticultural professionals. Conversely, Cleveland, Ohio has the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and their river caught fire. Can you say 'craphole?' I knew you could...
Oh yes, that reminds me, they filmed Mr. Rogers in Pittsburgh; an icon of goodness and wholesomeness that will survive generations of children. Fred Rogers taught children of all ages to share, learn and 'make-believe' in a world of complete possibility and happiness. Cleveland has more rape clinics per-capita than New York. They also have a football team that moved to another state a few years back.
Again, Pittsburgh has so much to offer in terms of arts, pride and the humanities that one forgets about heritage of this great city. Cultural continuity in social attitudes, customs, and institutions are what define this town and its people. Cleveland has just recently opened its 10,000th abortion clinic and sponsors this behavior in their city's motto, 'come to Cleveland: We bring out the kid in you!'
Yes, Pittsburgh is a beautiful town. Sure, the Baseball team sucks and the winter here will turn your nuts into a pair of frozen peas, but, as my mother once told me, a city shouldn't be defined on balls alone. Come spend some time here in the fall, check out a Steelers game, drink some 'Iron,' and know that your anus will not be repeatedly sodomized like it would be in Baltimore on a daily basis. Shit, that place makes Cleveland look like Xanadu.
10/4/2005
Pope Benedict XVI stops being nice, and starts being real...
Pope Benedict XVI directs a question to Cardinal Masullo as he delivered his speech during the first day of a three-week meeting of the world's bishops at the Vatican Monday, Oct.3, 2005. In front of more than 250 bishops, cardinals, heads of religious orders and others from about 118 countries, Pope B slams the Cardinal for not wearing his headgear during the Q&A phase. 'So, look who thinks he's too cool to wear the skull cap? I didn't absolve all that pedophilia and turn my back on all that abuse to women in the Catholic Church just to have some shit-face upstart disrespect my authority,' said the Pope. 'You put that fucking hat back on before me and dis entire Synod of Bishops comes down on you like the God Damned apocalypse.'
10/3/2005
Is this Supreme Justice nominee human, or something more sinister?
Sure, we've heard it all before; humanoid aliens arrive on Earth from the sixth planet of Sirius in a fleet of huge saucer ships that they park over the major cities of the planet. They appear to be friendly and seek the help of humans to obtain needed chemicals to aid their own planet. In return, these 'Visitors' promise to share their advanced technology with humanity. The governments of the planet accept, and the Visitors will gain considerable influence with the judicial systems.
However, strange things will begin to happen. Scientists will find themselves facing increasing media hostility and government restrictions on their activities and movements. This will include confessions of subversive activities by noted scientists, who will refuse to say that God made everything using some kind of Intelligent Design.
The earth will then discover that beneath their humanlike covering, these aliens are reptilian in nature and carnivorous, preferring to eat live food. Ultimately, these 'Visitors' plan to steal all the water of Earth and harvest the human race as a food source, leaving only a few as slaves and as soldiers/cannon fodder for the Visitors' wars with other alien races. Scientists will be persecuted both to discredit the part of the population most likely to detect these 'Visitors' secrets, and to distract the human population with a scapegoat they could focus their fears on. However, there are numerous humans who willingly collaborate who either are ignorant or refuse to accept the truth.
Looking forward, past the ensuing race war and global sterilization campaigns, the earth will form a resistance movement that will strike against the Visitors. This motley crew of renegades will eventually team up with a small group of Visitor dissidents who are opposed to their leader's plans and will attempts to help the Resistance by any possible means.
This series will then be cancelled to make way for Fox's new Reality TV series: Bonerville Academy.
9/29/2005
John Roberts Celebrates his Judicial Confirmation with Pride
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Glover Roberts Jr. won confirmation as the 17th chief justice of the United States on Thursday, charged by the Senate with the responsibility of leading the Supreme Court through turbulent social issues for generations to come. Justice Roberts celebrated modestly with a group of close friends who were quoted as saying, "Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?"
Justice John Glover Roberts Jr grew up in Long Beach, Ind., where he earned the nick name Bon-Bon Jovi. He spent his summers in the same steel mill where his father spent his 'permanent shore leave.' After graduating with honors from Harvard University, John spent several years driving the wrong way up the turnpike as a clerk for Supreme Court Justice Rehnquist.
You go Girl!
First Screenshots of Grand Theft Auto on the PS3!
Rockstar's new-fangled racing game has been located.
September 29, 2005 - While it's a much bigger phenomenon in Europe than in North America, the Grand Theft Auto series is nonetheless a big deal for a small faction of gamers around the world.
In this scene it looks like the main character, Anthony 'Biggie-Stereo-T' Brown is shooting hoops while taking a break from working for some underground crime organization. Our guess is that his job in this game will involve selling drugs, stealing cars, having sex and delivering packages around the Big Easy.
Our inside insiders on the inside tell us that the new GTA story will revolve around inner-city poverty, the rampant crime problem and how 'those people' do things that are simply outrageous to affluent suburban mothers, church officials, and American attorneys who have gained popularity by chasing ambulances and attacking popular media.
Environmental Damage
With the recent popularity of floods and hurricanes, Rockstar has repurposed the Havoc engine and added 'Enviro-Damage' to the game. Players will now have the opportunity to completely saturate an area with random acts of God including; volcano's in Dallas, tornados in Portland, and bowling-ball sized fire-hail any where the players choose. What's even better is that NPC's will blindingly attempt to rebuild in the wake of these disasters, but, if Rockstar knows its audience, the player will never allow this kind of reconstruction to happen. It's like burning ants with a magnifying glass using a $400 console and a $2500 HDTV. Oh yes, you read that right, this game will run in 1080i, baby!
Dynamic Lighting Effects
With the processing power of the PS3, environments can begin to take life like never before (except in real life). Notice the reflections of the residents in the water and how the depth of field blur adds to the atmosphere. In typical GTA fashion, you will be able to gun down these two and they will actually float on top of the water, bloat, and be picked apart by the various creatures (Rockstar's new 'Vermin Engine') that reside in the sewers of the city. We can't wait!
Our Initial Takeaways
From what we've seen, this GTA looks to be utilizing the PS3 hardware to its fullest potential. We hope that Rockstar has taken the feedback from it's users to implement new gameplay elements like kidnapping, pig burning, drawing and quartering, and other insanely taboo actions that will create a negative campaign against the video game industry. Dooming this business to basements and 12-24 year old, angst-ridden sexless types that can only get out their racist and pent up aggressions by taking control of an 'urban' man to kill, burn, and blow up as much as conceivably possible.
Building upon the marketing success of the 'Hot Coffee Mod/Hidden Code' campaign, Rockstar has informed us that the first 250,000 copies of GTA for PS3 will be passed through a decomposing corpse before being shrunk wrapped and sent to your local game store.
(all photo's courtesy of Comcast.net Slideshow)
In this scene it looks like the main character, Anthony 'Biggie-Stereo-T' Brown is shooting hoops while taking a break from working for some underground crime organization. Our guess is that his job in this game will involve selling drugs, stealing cars, having sex and delivering packages around the Big Easy.
Our inside insiders on the inside tell us that the new GTA story will revolve around inner-city poverty, the rampant crime problem and how 'those people' do things that are simply outrageous to affluent suburban mothers, church officials, and American attorneys who have gained popularity by chasing ambulances and attacking popular media.
Environmental Damage
With the recent popularity of floods and hurricanes, Rockstar has repurposed the Havoc engine and added 'Enviro-Damage' to the game. Players will now have the opportunity to completely saturate an area with random acts of God including; volcano's in Dallas, tornados in Portland, and bowling-ball sized fire-hail any where the players choose. What's even better is that NPC's will blindingly attempt to rebuild in the wake of these disasters, but, if Rockstar knows its audience, the player will never allow this kind of reconstruction to happen. It's like burning ants with a magnifying glass using a $400 console and a $2500 HDTV. Oh yes, you read that right, this game will run in 1080i, baby!
Dynamic Lighting Effects
With the processing power of the PS3, environments can begin to take life like never before (except in real life). Notice the reflections of the residents in the water and how the depth of field blur adds to the atmosphere. In typical GTA fashion, you will be able to gun down these two and they will actually float on top of the water, bloat, and be picked apart by the various creatures (Rockstar's new 'Vermin Engine') that reside in the sewers of the city. We can't wait!
Our Initial Takeaways
From what we've seen, this GTA looks to be utilizing the PS3 hardware to its fullest potential. We hope that Rockstar has taken the feedback from it's users to implement new gameplay elements like kidnapping, pig burning, drawing and quartering, and other insanely taboo actions that will create a negative campaign against the video game industry. Dooming this business to basements and 12-24 year old, angst-ridden sexless types that can only get out their racist and pent up aggressions by taking control of an 'urban' man to kill, burn, and blow up as much as conceivably possible.
Building upon the marketing success of the 'Hot Coffee Mod/Hidden Code' campaign, Rockstar has informed us that the first 250,000 copies of GTA for PS3 will be passed through a decomposing corpse before being shrunk wrapped and sent to your local game store.
(all photo's courtesy of Comcast.net Slideshow)
9/28/2005
...In other news...
Fashion designer Vivienne Westwood displays her limited edition t-shirts with the legend "I am not a terrorist, please don't arrest me", themed around the defence of human rights in the face of the UK government's plan to introduce new anti-terror laws.
And in other news, there is no way in hell that the carpet matches these drapes. (AP Photo/ Andrew Stuart)
Excuse me while I trudge though this shit one more time...
Dear Diary,
Whoop de freakin' do! Look at me! I'm gettin' on another helicopter...AGAIN! I thought this would be the coolest thing about bein' president, but it really is kinda crappy. The noise is so noisy and the cabin was definitely not made for people in $5000 suits (come on!).
Plus, I'm tired of the captain telling us that the smell that fills the cabin is from the fuel exhaust. From experience I know that those are egg and alcohol farts we're being subjected to!
9/23/2005
I'm sorry for the absence, but in all fairness, I died.
...or more accurately, through a tragic accounting accident, NealBauer.com was killed for a little bit. With the Visa payment server under water, renewal notices could not be addressed and my access to the site was removed for a while. Today, I am no longer a deadbeat blogger and have resumed our normal satirical operations.
The good news is we are back up and operational. The bad news is, I am back up and operational you fucking son of a bitches.
9/22/2005
Weatherman sexually harasses hurricane
Ed Rappaport, deputy director of the National Hurricane Center, asks how Rita likes it as he violates the eye of the hurricane with his callused man-fingers Friday, Sept. 23, 2005 at the National Hurricane Center in Miami. Rita was obviously saddened after being told she was "nothing but a cheap, Category 3, floozy of a hurricane." She was expected to come ashore early Saturday, but Rita was quoted as saying, "after being treated to poorly, I'll be lucky if I come at all." (AP Photo/Alan Diaz)
9/2/2005
Save Something Awful
Something Awful is Gone With the Wind
As of right now Something Awful is temporarily down due to Hurricane Katrina's abuse of New Orleans, where are servers are located. Our real site is either underwater or strapped to the roof of a stolen vehicle that is also underwater. The guys at the colocation center have a website here, but we have absolutely no idea when anything will be back online, and we can't get ahold of anybody there. Hell, according to this Wired Magazine article, SA is still online!
We will be coming back as soon as we are able to with all kinds of unfunny crap and forums full of anime poop references. For now we recommend you do something productive or consider helping out the thousands of people now living under the sea by donating some time or money or dry land.
In order to aid the relief effort, David Thorpe will be listening to Juvenile's hit "Nolia Clap" on repeat until New Orleans is rebuilt.
Thanks for your understanding!
9/1/2005
SPECIAL MESSAGE: temporary hosting needed
SPECIAL MESSAGE: If you have temporary hosting you can provide Something Awful, please contact them at lowtaxico@gmail.com. Additionally, they are looking to permanently move their servers to a colocation facility near the Kansas City, Missouri area. If you have any recommendations, please contact them at lowtaxico@gmail.com.
Directly from the SA source:
Most of you probably haven't noticed, but the SA servers finally had their plug pulled Thursday afternoon despite the heroic efforts of the people at DirectNIC. While I appreciate what they did for us, their devotion to some websites seems a little misguided in the midst of what is happening. That "what" is hell on earth in the greater New Orleans area.
Rich, myself, Livestock, and probably some of the other writers have been watching the hurricane aftermath with nothing short of dumb shock. There is a disaster going on right now and it is manmade. The disaster is three strangers in Mississippi, together because they're all that's left and alone in a town without buildings, drinking floodwater polluted by corpses, shit and gasoline. The disaster is a woman wading through waist deep streets holding her daughter and wondering why the trucks won't stop to get her out of the city. The disaster is ICU patients dying one after another because diesel didn't flow and order couldn't be kept. It's an uninterrupted chain of personal disasters. It's inept triage on a national scale.
It's unbelievable that this is America. It's hard to comprehend that these repeating images of herds of people without food or water or medical treatment after nearly a week are happening on our soil. They're our fellow citizens and while the politicians, directors, planners and generals congratulate each other at press conferences they are suffering and dying.
I have seen some efforts in the media to pressure officials to accept responsibility. None have, because in public office the buck stops nowhere. The only person I have really seen come close to capturing the raw fury of the people trapped in New Orleans or forgotten in Mississippi and Alabama is CNN's Anderson Cooper. He confronted Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu on live TV, chiding her with a voice cracking with emotion that he couldn't believe the politicians were patting each other on the back over a job well done when he just saw rats eating a woman's body in the street of Biloxi.
On the Internet I've seen people blatantly placing blame on Bush, FEMA, Congress, the National Guard, and even Homeland Security. Who is responsible? Who should be blamed? All of them. This is a colossal failure of our government to care for and protect its citizenry on every conceivable level.
The heroes are the men and women on the scene doing their utmost to help those in need. Coast Guard rescue workers plucking people to safety and Red Cross workers feeding people from emergency kitchens are heroes. The man who commandeered a bus and got people out of New Orleans when the government was woefully impotent is a hero. The woman who smashed the glass on a convenience store to loot bottled water for fifteen kids who should have been absolutely inundated with supplies by then is a hero. The doctors and nurses hand-bagging ventilator patients 24 hours a day in dark hospitals are heroes.
In the ineloquent but true words of the Mayor of New Orleans: "Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here. They're not here. It's too doggone late. Now get off your asses and do something, and let's fix the biggest goddamn crisis in the history of this country." CNN was better prepared to deal with this disaster than FEMA was.
I am ashamed of my country's government in a universal way right now. Republicans, democrats, opportunists, it doesn't matter; they're all guilty in this situation. In a magical world where justice is actually served most of these people would not have jobs in a month or two. Instead the people without jobs will be the millions who have lost everything and found their government with its back turned. Remember that people are still dying because of this incompetence. Remember that when each and every one of these fools appears on TV for a photo op or complains about "placing blame later," because placing blame now is the only hope America has to change the situation.
Chuck Norris wouldn't allow this bullshit to happen.
- Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons
Chuck Norris wouldn't allow this bullshit to happen.
- Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons
8/29/2005
Chevy unveils 'The Brick House' line of SUV's
Your family’s safety is important to us. Whether it’s a short errand around town or a cross-country road trip, Chevrolet is committed to keeping you and your family safe — from the start of your journey to your destination.
That’s why Chevrolet designed their new line of vehicles with a comprehensive safety and security barrier to help give you peace of mind. Tested by the US military in Iraq, Chevrolet has stumbed upon a vehicle that is both powerful and formidable.
"In nature, there is no substance more powerful than brick," said Chevy spokesperson, Davey Martin. "Covering the entirety of this SUV will go a long way to protecting your family in an accident that will undoubtably occur in one of these vehicles due to our terrible quality standards here at Chevrolet."
Quick question: Does any one like Green Day?
Egyptian intelligence chief Omar Suleiman, left, talks to Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, also known as Abu Mazen, right, about how awesome it was that Green Day won seven (7) MTV music awards, Monday, Aug. 29, 2005. he photo in background is of the late Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat. (AP Photo/Adel Hana)
I started this article off with a funny picture and thought I'd do some research on how Green Day fans converse with each other. What I found is that there are very, very few fan sites for Green Day and even fewer of them actually working.
GreenDay.com was down. I can only imagine it is due to the traffic of all of the 12-18 year olds watching last night's MTV awards show going to the internet to answer the question, "Green Day is what now?"
The other site was GreenDay.net where they have a one line editorial of last nights show(classic short-attention-span coverage for the young-hipster viewing this site from her Sidekick). When I went to the forum section to get into the minds of these rabid, site-crashing Green Day fans, I see that the forum is currently under contruction. Huh?
Hi, I'm Billy Jo and I'll be your Caldwell Banker representative. How can I best serve you today?
What this tells me is that on the biggest night of their MTV lives, Green Day sweeps up seven awards and then fades completely into obscurity. With fans like this, good riddance:
Green Day!
Saydee - Jul 18, 8:45 pm
omg! i love Green Day...and Billie Joe! He is SO flippin hot!! lol! well talk 2 ya's lata!
Hey
Sondra - Apr 20, 8:46 am
I just joined and I just wanted to let everyone know I love Green Day, well Music in general so if you ever want to chathit me up My e-mail is princess11...@hotmail.com See Ya, Sondra
GREEN DAY OWNS YOUR SOCKS!
devilguy@gmail.com - Apr 28, 8:52 pm
green day owns your socks......and my socks. my screenname is badgerx911 and my website is [link]
[no subject]
Jeb W - Jul 8, 9:44 am
um...does this thig work?\ ok this is so kool! omg i love green day and im a rock!rocks have ears u know!aiee! mommy wow i feel special now! i koined a grpup. and its a green day group...SWEET! and guess wat?!?!?! im listening to them rite now! yeah for me!!!!! *dance*
nuthin much
greendaylover - Jul 17, 6:28 am
uh...i wonder wat this does stupid!!! u suk by da way green day rox
billie joe
greendaylover - Jul 27, 10:59 am
i'm okay... omg! i love billie soooo much 2!!! my friend rebecca... aka phil the rock likes tre cool the best cuz she's so much like him... lol!
My Friend is so weird!..............but cool at the same time .....oh just shut and read this!
I wnat to be an american idiot!...Wait....arent all americans idiots? - Aug 13, 6:49 pm
My best friend nicknamed me tre`. i was really happy to finally have a nickname, but.... IM A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I JUST DONT NEED A GUYS NAME!!!!!! Sure i like having a nickname but .... i need someting eles. i fany one has any suggetions, id really like to hear from u. I just need something more .......i dont know girl like.
For all of you thinking that George W is the one destroying this country, take a look at a core sample of who will be running this place in the future. Pleasant dreams!
After Viewing Katrinia's Aftermath, Bush to Wage War on 'Aquas of Evil'
Why the oceans must die
US President George W. Bush announced Monday afternoon that he has ordered military strikes against any and all Hurricanes that enter the US. Poseidon, Oceanus, and the Kraken prepare for US air raids.
"At this hour, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to eliminate the deadly threat created by Hurricanes across our globe," Bush said in a nationally-televised address. "On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of military importance to undermine Poseidon’s ability to wage war," he said.
"Even if this person had insurance, there's no way they could collect anything for this piece of shit car"
Bush continued stating that "these strikes are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign against the ocean."
He vowed that the US-led forces would fight until victory, noting that the war against the sea could be longer and more difficult than the Iraq war, the Philippine Insurrection, and the Crusades combined.
Bush was speaking two hours and 15 minutes after his ultimatum for the Oceanus and his son Chronos to leave the ocean or face a war expired.
Hurricane promises to punch America in it's 'nards'
The White House confirmed after the raids began that the United States had launched a military action to disarm Poseidon and retrieve his spiked trident, which has been a symbol for the ocean’s tyrannical unpredictability. "The opening stages of the disarmament of the Hurricanes regime have begun,"
White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters minutes after air raid sirens were heard over the Atlantic.
Hurricane has been blamed for bouts of incompetance
US warplanes raided the Atlantic Ocean about one and a half hours after the expiration of the deadline set by US President George W. Bush for Oceanus to leave the ocean or face war.
Big explosions were heard, the ocean was lit up by flares and sirens were heard throughout the cities of the deep, home for some 500 billion sea creatures.
For God's sake! Look what it did to this girl's umbrella! How long are we going to stand for this?
Coral reefs of the mermaid kingdom were attacked in the three rounds of US air raids on the ocean, leaving several thousand floating, bloated casualties, but it remained unknown that any top ocean officials were among the injured.
The war was declared after the US failed to win support of majority in the UN Security Council for their draft resolution that would have authorized a war on Tsunamis, waterspouts, whirlpools, and rapids that have plagued humanity for centuries
"This is bullshit if the Hurricanes think they can get away with this!"
Three permanent members of the Security Council, namely China, France and Russia, opposed the US-led military attack on the ocean and insist that inspections and talks with the deadly element of water should continue.
The United States started the war on the ocean in its second preemptive strike in the US history. The first being the Iraq war, which ended up being a tremendous success against terror and for the US’s perception to the world.
Don't worry 'bout nuttin, Bi-otch! Says Bush
Earlier, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan warned the United States and Britain that "under international law, the responsibility for protecting civilians in conflict falls on the belligerents. But this is the ocean, so fuck it, all bets are off.”
8/28/2005
This just in; Sensationalist headlines makes things appear to be worse than they actually are.
...In other news; Duhhhhhhhhhh
Louisiana Headline:
Superdome Roof Ripped As Katrina Slams New Orleans:
Copy from the article:
Water is dripping in and people are being moved away from about five sections of seats. However, Louisiana's governor said it isn't a "dangerous situation."
California Headline: California Wildfire Thrives in Erratic Winds: Copy from the article: No homes had been destroyed and there were no injuries reported. Residents in the Northern California town of Manton began returning to their homes Sunday."
Pennsylvania Headline: Tractor-Trailer Full Of Drugs Stolen From Truck Stop: Copy from the article: Police are searching for a tractor-trailer loaded with aspirin that was stolen from a Cumberland County truck stop Thursday morning."
Utah Headline: Teens Sentenced To Jail For Gun Shootings: Copy from the article: A Superior Court judge sentenced three teens to a year in jail after they were convicted of causing damage by shooting out windows with BB guns."
Louisiana Headline:
Superdome Roof Ripped As Katrina Slams New Orleans:
Copy from the article:
Water is dripping in and people are being moved away from about five sections of seats. However, Louisiana's governor said it isn't a "dangerous situation."
California Headline: California Wildfire Thrives in Erratic Winds: Copy from the article: No homes had been destroyed and there were no injuries reported. Residents in the Northern California town of Manton began returning to their homes Sunday."
Pennsylvania Headline: Tractor-Trailer Full Of Drugs Stolen From Truck Stop: Copy from the article: Police are searching for a tractor-trailer loaded with aspirin that was stolen from a Cumberland County truck stop Thursday morning."
Utah Headline: Teens Sentenced To Jail For Gun Shootings: Copy from the article: A Superior Court judge sentenced three teens to a year in jail after they were convicted of causing damage by shooting out windows with BB guns."
8/27/2005
Those crafty Mexicans...
David de Forjador, a human cannonball daredevil and janitorial services technician, sails across the U.S.-Mexico border, Saturday, Aug. 27, 2005, in Tijuana, Mexico. Ironicly, de Forjador was killed when he overshot the landing pad and landed in a McDonald's french fryer that was manned by his brother, Jesus de Forjador, who managed to escape his home country last week by catapult. (AP Photo/Michel Redondo - escaped 3 weeks ago by hiding in an elephant's anus)
8/26/2005
Mary Tyler M-Oh MY GOD!!!
Walking zombie, Mary Tyler Moore will return to the soundstage where "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was filmed when she guest-stars in three episodes of "That '70s Show" playing the part of E.T. (AP Photo/file)
8/25/2005
Hello, I'm your Mayor, James E. West...
...but can call me Jim.
I was sworn in as the Mayor of the City of Spokane on Dec. 23, 2003. I was elected to a four-year term in November 2003. As Mayor, I have been the City's Chief Executive Officer, directing the activities of the City’s more than 2,000 employees and managing a $409 million annual budget.
I was here to work for you for a better community. With positive leadership focused on getting things done and by caring more about what gets done and less about who gets the credit, we can accomplish a lot. We can go from being a good city to a great one.
That said, has anyone seen my 12" anal penatrator? I had it with me after the last Children's Hospital ground breaking ceremony, but seem to have misplaced it. I really need it as I have a meeting with several other gay Mayor's this week and don't want to look like I'm mooching some other city's 12" sodomizing instrument.
If you find my penatrator, or would like to talk to me about getting a job with the city, please contact me:
Mayor James E. West
808 W. Spokane Falls Blvd.
Spokane, WA 99201
Phone: (509) 625-6250
Bush supporter has a lot to say
President Bush supporter Mark Voss chants for Cindy Sheehan supporter to take down the crosses along Prairie Chapel Road that leads to Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, Thursday, Aug. 25, 2005. His ensemble went on to say that it loves Jesus, blue blocker sunglasses, 'I'm a Mad American Eagle' T-shirts, (Wal-Mart's patriot shirt of the Month for August), Jacksonville Jaguar wristbands and buttons that declare that 'Jammin 95.5 Rocks.'
If it weren't for his garb, I just would have said: Bush supporter and Crawford resident, Mark Voss, throws like a girl. (AP Photo/LM Otero)
8/24/2005
Katrinia and the Waves are Walking on Florida's Sunshine
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - Flooded streets resembled canals, sailboats sat on the sand and a highway overpass lay in ruin Friday in the hours after Katrina and the Waves, 1980's Euro Band, started their 'Killing Seven People' reunion tour across South Florida late Thursday. Katrina reached number 8 in the UK charts back in 1985, and former MTV VJ's, now nursing home residents outside of Mercury, Florida, said they could be a major splash should they ever reunite.
8/23/2005
Hello, this is God calling...yeah...um....is Pat there?
GOD: I'm going to need to talk to him for a minute. Could you put him on?
Robertson: Oh crap! Tell him I'm not here.
GOD: Hey Pat, remember that whole omniscient thing that I've got going? Yeah, I know you're there.
Robertson: God! Hey! What's up! I was just getting ready to go talk about your supreme awesomeness and...
GOD: Dummy up, Foo' and prick up your ears! My son Jesus did not instruct his followers to kill others. If I recall, he said something about loving even your enemies and to do good to those persecuting you. You've got some s'plainin to do.
Robertson: Yeah, but that sounds kinda gay and you hate them fags as much as I do, right?
GOD: What in the name of ding-dong? Have you gone completely coo-coo-bananas? Proof of my ultimate patience and forgiveness is that I don't evaporate you into nothingness right now.
Roberson: That sounds like the Jew in you tryin' to escape so that you can spread your Commie germs all over the righteous and pure.
GOD: What the? Sweet son of mine, you ARE crazy.
Robertson: If loving you and Jesus so much till I can't understand what the principles you were founded on in the first place makes me crazy...
GOD: Well here's what you can do for me. You got a pen and paper? Good, here's what I want you to do: Keep calling for blood in the name of Christ. By all means, keep demanding Creationism in our classrooms. Make sure you insist on the death of Roe v Wade. You might also want to keep viciously assaulting the characters of bereft mothers, the families of 9/11 victims, and patriotic civil-servants. Also you might want to keep pouring 200 years of goodwill down the drain by pumping fanatical propaganda to the weak of the flock. Just keep all of that up and people will start loving you for it any day now.
8/22/2005
Aren't mothers supposed to be martyrs?
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now, though" mum confides.
"Oh so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21.
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
when he was born."
"He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me .," says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she
whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first
started school."
"He's a martyr, also" says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Place phallus between slot "A" and insert "B"
Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., who received two Purple Hearts and other military honors for his service in Vietnam, unintentionally, yet regretably makes a 'blow job jesture' while referencing how America is handling the war in Iraq. This kodak moment should be enough to cripple Hagel should he become a spokesperson, consider a run for office, or just to be taken seriously about any subject he is passionate about. (AP Photo/ABC, Terry Ashe)
8/21/2005
EA's Latest Abortion for Sale on eBay
Madden NFL 2006 (Xbox) Blight of the Videogame Industry Hello stupid! Yes, I'm talking to you, the guy interested in buying this piece of garbage game from Electronic Arts for the 800th time so you can have updated rosters.
Last year's version of Madden*
This year's version of Madden*
Goodbye farce, we hardly knew ye!
Madden NFL 06 (released last week)
NFL 2K5 (released last year)
SATIRE WARNING: Actual in-game dialogue from Madden NFL 06:
Keep in mind this is LAST YEAR'S VERSION OF 2K5!!!
In Madden NFL 06, numbers unrealistically squash and stretch with the polygons instead of with player's movement. Also, players appendages, like arms, are out of proportion with the body. This guy wouldn't have to bend over to tie his shoes.
In NFL 2K5 numbers on the jerseys don't distort when a player stretches or turns and, what's this, actual definition to the player jerseys?
If this is how McNabb throws, I'm sorry. Seriously, if you follow his arms to where they would actually meet his torso, his neck would be nearly 18" long. Also, Number 83's arms are thicker than his legs.
The closest I could find on the web to that McNabb image was this Farve image from NFL 2K5. While not the most dynamic image, take a look at the definition on his arms and how Terrell Suggs' arms are more realistically proportioned for his body.
EA Sez: "Go (your team)! We disgrace video gamers by paying no attention to detail and force-feeding them garbage every year. The buyer's of our tripe disgrace the gaming community by continually not caring. $59.99 please!"
ESPN NFL 2K5 makes games between the 49ers & Bears look good!
The Girl from Beetlejuice Grows Up
Former brooding child and summoner of the demon Beetlejuice, Lydia Maitland, listens as the charges filed against her are read by the judge in Kingston, Tenn., on Monday, Aug. 22, 2005. "He said he could give me the power to keep my beer cold, but all he did was give me beer-cozy fingers." (AP Photo/Mark Humphrey)
8/20/2005
Kurt Cobain's killer to appear in court, fatter than ever
Actress-singer-husband-murderer Courtney Love wipes away tears as she appears in the court for her parole violation hearing in Los Angeles, Friday, Aug. 19, 2005. Earlier this month Love was apparently hit in the face with a pineapple that prompted a severe depression. Love satiated herself by "gorging on large quantities of everything she could get her hands on," said local eyewitnesses. (AP Photo/Nick Ut)
8/19/2005
Wisconsin's 'Big Pussy' tornado only kills one
The sky "just exploded" as a tornado damaged or destroyed dozens of homes, killing one person. Residents of Topeka, Kansas, dining at a local Dairy Queen were overheard saying, "One person? Who gives a shit, we lose hundreds every year and you don't hear us bitching about it to CNN. Quit your waa-waa, hissy fit and get back to producing whatever crap Wisconsin provides us...which is probably nothing, ya big whiney babies!"
8/18/2005
Governor Asshole McCrazy from Ohio has the floor
Governor says there's room for evolution criticism in classrooms
Fresh off his recent charges for four ethics violations for failing to report dozens of 'contributions', Ohio Gov. Bob Taft says he supports the introduction of analytical criticism of evolution in classrooms.
Taft, a Republican, says, "I can't say whether the concept of intelligent design is science, but fuck that, anything I can do to take the heat off of me for something that I did illegally on behalf of my party is totally credible in my opinion."
Fresh off his recent charges for four ethics violations for failing to report dozens of 'contributions', Ohio Gov. Bob Taft says he supports the introduction of analytical criticism of evolution in classrooms.
Taft, a Republican, says, "I can't say whether the concept of intelligent design is science, but fuck that, anything I can do to take the heat off of me for something that I did illegally on behalf of my party is totally credible in my opinion."
8/17/2005
So bored, bored, bored...
When am I going to jail so I can start having fun again?
Confessed serial killer Dennis Rader wonders to himself "Did I leave the iron on that woman's face" as he listens to testimony in the sentencing phase of his trial Wednesday, Aug. 17, 2005. (AP Photo/Pool, Bo Rader)
Confessed serial killer Dennis Rader wonders to himself "Did I leave the iron on that woman's face" as he listens to testimony in the sentencing phase of his trial Wednesday, Aug. 17, 2005. (AP Photo/Pool, Bo Rader)
8/16/2005
What's with all these plane crashes?
I mean seriously, what is the deal?
I thought the whole idea behind airplanes was for them to stay in the air, am I right people? When I get on a plane, I just want to sit down for a few hours and get to my destination...ALIVE! Is that just me? Am I alone in this?
And what is with the little bag of peanuts they give you? It's so small, it wouldn't even feed someone who's really little, are you with me on this? Also, what's with the movies on these flights? Could the movies be any lamer? And the headsets, don't even get me started on those!
Any what's with all these plane crashes in crazy places? Seriously, who knew places like this even existed? Cracas? Venezuela? Martinique? These places all sound like made-up-jibber-jab to me! Give me a good old plane crash in America or Canada or even Alaska, those are places that I know something about.
If you liked that piece, then be sure to order funny man and corporate comic, Scotty McRoberts (comic #752113), for your next team building leadership conference.
Scotty McRoberts Bio:
Scotty McRoberts one of the best deadpan comedians around.
His unmistakable style has led him to the top of comedy. Wonderful comedian with "clean" approach - "I suppose if I could teach an audience anything, it's that they have the capacity to laugh more than they ever knew."
He has shared the stage with Wayne Cotter, Mike Veneman, and Scott Novotny. Scotty has also appeared on A&E's An Evening at the Improv, Fox's Comic Strip Live, and has guest starred on Empty Nest, My Two Dads, and Too Close for Comfort.
Mark has made many corporate appearances, among them: Foodland, Hollywood Video, and 84 Lumber.
What They Say
"...Who is this fucking asshole? I thought that we ordered a comic from that shitty-ass agency? If I wanted a fuckin' schmuck, I would have asked one of my employees to do this shit..."
- Larry Plottery
CEO of Nutbusters Nut-Bustery and Family Fun Eateries
I thought the whole idea behind airplanes was for them to stay in the air, am I right people? When I get on a plane, I just want to sit down for a few hours and get to my destination...ALIVE! Is that just me? Am I alone in this?
And what is with the little bag of peanuts they give you? It's so small, it wouldn't even feed someone who's really little, are you with me on this? Also, what's with the movies on these flights? Could the movies be any lamer? And the headsets, don't even get me started on those!
Any what's with all these plane crashes in crazy places? Seriously, who knew places like this even existed? Cracas? Venezuela? Martinique? These places all sound like made-up-jibber-jab to me! Give me a good old plane crash in America or Canada or even Alaska, those are places that I know something about.
If you liked that piece, then be sure to order funny man and corporate comic, Scotty McRoberts (comic #752113), for your next team building leadership conference.
Scotty McRoberts Bio:
Scotty McRoberts one of the best deadpan comedians around.
His unmistakable style has led him to the top of comedy. Wonderful comedian with "clean" approach - "I suppose if I could teach an audience anything, it's that they have the capacity to laugh more than they ever knew."
He has shared the stage with Wayne Cotter, Mike Veneman, and Scott Novotny. Scotty has also appeared on A&E's An Evening at the Improv, Fox's Comic Strip Live, and has guest starred on Empty Nest, My Two Dads, and Too Close for Comfort.
Mark has made many corporate appearances, among them: Foodland, Hollywood Video, and 84 Lumber.
What They Say
"...Who is this fucking asshole? I thought that we ordered a comic from that shitty-ass agency? If I wanted a fuckin' schmuck, I would have asked one of my employees to do this shit..."
- Larry Plottery
CEO of Nutbusters Nut-Bustery and Family Fun Eateries
What do you mean we don't have a can opener?
An unidentified elderly man from Mutare, 280 km, 175 miles east of Harare, brags to his friends how he got his hands on a couple of 'shiny ass American cans.' (AP Photo).
8/15/2005
Pump yer own gas, fatty!
Do you think these gas prices will stop people from sitting at the drive thru, with their SUV engine running for 15 minutes, instead of parking their car and lugging their fat asses out of the vehicles? Yeah, I didn't think so either. (AP Photo/Eric Risberg)